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Saturday, May 10, 2014

a day with Finny aka two steps forward one step back

alarms
I dislike them
3 am
yep
hate em
up
run my hand through my hair
brush my teeth
splash warm water on my face
did you know it is best  not to use any face cleanser  in the morning? 
just water
I didn't know
now
I do
just a bit of warm water...face serum and go
Finny is whining in her crate and May May is coiling herself around my legs while I pee..
feed us
give May May her shot
slip on my dirty pair of old Hokas
Finny and I are off..
driving to NH
we stopped in Groton when I realized I left my headlamp at home
I know the rail trail...12 miles out and back...almost marathon distance from Ayer to NH and back
I didn't need a headlamp
we just ran straight into the dark...
5 miles out and 5  miles back by then its light
I change into shorts
and
drop my jacket
plan to run 7 miles out and 7 miles back....
its starts to rain
a man on a bike rides by
otherwise its just Finny and I
it smells delicious
I can't breathe deep enough...
I want to fill all that is empty
4 miles out Finn is tired
I can tell
so we turn back..
18 miles
she needs a break
I feed her snacks
she falls asleep on her blue blanket
I drive to Hollis
to Beaver Brook
one of my magic places
I run a loop of the pond
while she naps..
I return she is awake smiling
at least I see it as a smile
lets run mummy
I put on my lighter weighted vest
we run
we hit the hills
the trails that are difficult
I run
feel strong
she is happy
she makes me happy
around 6 more miles..
almost a marathon now
we drive to Evans
she naps
I buy my Hokas for McNaughton
I have two pairs now
for 500 miles
I am happy..
I buy a caramel
I eat it slowly
Finny licks my mouth
I drive home
we go to Upton State Forest
heavy weighted vests
Finny is slower but still runs ahead and then hides bursts out of the leaves when called
another 5 miles
she is my wonder dog
or is she my underdog....
I am happy
KZ sends me Kerouac from a used book store
I sit outside
storm coming
wine
book
yoga magazine
Finn eats grass
it was a long day for her
Bob prepares for a presentation
lecture
talk
it is for a conference he has had to put together
he will be in Florida
while I try to finish my race
he will rush back the last night straight from the airport
it may be my last chance
there will be no excuses
there can't be the moment I doubt my courage
it cannot happen
no
close my eyes
taste what Willy calls the beautiful pain on my lips
relentless
smile when it hurts
laugh when I feel like I am dead 

some say death is easy compared to living
I think those who believe that have yet to face death...
I think quitting is easy
it takes just a moment to make that switch
but
regret is a wound
that never heals...

I am a hypocrite
I try not to be
I strive to be my real self and not a self I create to please those of you reading this
but
I am not quite sure who I am
you see me
in a way
wholly different
than
I
see
myself
like a hearing my voice on video
I ask
who the hell is that?
how can I hear my voice so differently?
it sounds nicer when I hear it filtered through my thoughts
so very harsh when it is played back
virtual Mish
not real time
as is the virtual self
the social self
the self we portray to please others..
I have always been at odds with this
the need to have two selves
I want my authentic self
the hell with the one you like better
you will never be in my shoes
you will never be able to be ME
when it hurts
or I am sad, afraid, lost
YOU
can't help me
so why in hell
would I be
what
YOU
want me to be?
still
hypocrite I am
as Yoda would say
because
I posted on FB
then got mad
when people ignored it
while people loved poop or nose picking posts
I posted snippets of my students videos...
I don't put any crap on FB about me really
No one knows when I run where I run or why I run
why should they give a care
but education
our children
they should CARE!
why?
because I am constantly telling my students one way to live their life
and they are suspect
because
many of my peers are bullies and asses
no wonder 12-14 year olds think we are full of it..
we are the worst offenders...
we control the media
that shapes and influences them
we should be held responsible for every horrendous thing they do
we taught them
through our actions
or lack thereof


I want to be a do as I doer
not a do as I sayer
so I went on FB to post my kids amazing videos
and I got angry
that no one was excited as I was about he videos
so I ranted..
and my FB running friend C bu it perfectly
when he responded to my rant
"I thought you were off FB?"
that response meant the same thing as
shut up u hypocritical ass
and he is right
and that
is where I am wrong
I am a hypocrite...
I am being a do as I doer but
through bullying and jeering those of you that don't want to be...

it is a hard path to be true to your authentic self..
it is the early morning just woken up with a head cold self
not the just had a facial and my hair done self...
sigh

It ain't easy being green