pre PEAK musings

In one weeks time I will be on my way to PEAK with my egg crates and sleeping bag, my earplugs and wet wipes, my bag of protein bars and my band aids.  I will be setting myself up in the barn at Amee farm for my ten day vacation and yes to me running for ten days on those trails without a shower and basically one "real" meal a day is my idea of vacation.

I am ready

I have trained far more this year then last year

and more importantly I have set myself up for success

head down and mouth shut

that is my mantra...

Do not worry yourself with what anyone else does

Peak 500 

is me

running

against

well

me...

I am the sole reason I will leave with a buckle

or a DNF
and it is NOT about the buckle....
I wear yoga pants what the heck am I gonna do with a buckle?

there is no one else that comes into the equation..

no one else matters

no one can help me on this one

a pacer is a great and wonderful thing

and I have had some of the best

but a pacer doesn't equal success

they can cajole

they can coddle

they can push

and they can try to talk you into going for the extra loop

but 

in the end

only you can take that first step forward
only you decide the extra loop

I have been surprisingly relaxed and focused and not anxious this week..
I know it has to do with me getting full throttle back into the early am gym training,
as well as no ED or BDD issues as of late (anxiety brings them on) and well...
I am not anxious..
I know cutting myself off from social media has been so good for me...
yesterday Doc and Andy were exchanging emails and (this made me feel really good) Andy was worried when he tried to reach out go me about something on FB and saw I was off..
Doc told him I was just trying to get away from all the white noise and focus on the 500 and DR....

what I have realized is...
the world keeps on turning
whether or not I am on FB reading or replying to the threads...
I may not know what the DR community is discussing at the moment
and I won't be privy to any of the others runners feelings and thoughts about the 500
nor the thoughts of others on who will or who won't finish..
and I realize...
although it can be highly amusing
to be in the thick of it..
it will not give me any edge over my own psyche..
it may just end up getting in my way of getting what needs to get done

I want to finish the 500
but I won't if I don't deserve that honor
I want to finish a summer DR
but as with the 500, unless I give myself freely
to the pain
to the self doubt
unless I go into both ready to face my weaknesses and fears
well
I will be the enemy that conquers me
not pain
not fear
nor self doubt
(or at times loathing)

nope I will be the reason I do not finish one or the other..
or both
there will be no excuses to make

head down
mouth shut

compete with honor
and
more
importantly
with grace

then and only then will I have a chance