TARC Spring Thaw or The Yeti almost made me pee my pants

Sunday was the inaugural running of the TARC Spring Thaw... RD Em "Kitten" Trespass did an amazing job putting on this race...as you can see from my prerace smile I was so very much looking forward to getting back out there with the Trail Animals. I had a pretty red flower in my hair, my new Salomons on and I actually took a shower BEFORE a race...that was a first for me.

After a tough Friday (what with being sick Thursday night and feeling like crap all day Friday and on top of that having to go to the doctors) I gave myself a pretty relaxing Saturday (just an am hot yoga) that included sleep, REI, school work, and reading my new book....so when my alarm went off at 5:30 I felt ready to take Log for a run.  I made a smoothie with my new fav "greens" powder, almond milk, greek yogurt, chia seeds, flax and dark cherries and packed a Greens Plus protein bar and my vast array of pills : ( I tried out a new powder for my recovery bottle this FRS stuff (did not like it) and I had my handhelds filled with cold water all of this in my cooler with a change of clothes, socks and my new minimalist trail runners I got at REI (I will wear them to the gym but not run in them as my monkey feet like support and cushion) and I was off to Andover.

RD Em and TARC volunteer of the year Bill

When I pulled into the school parking lot there were a good number of runners milling about.  I saw Paul L, Deb and Scott L(with their two cuties),  Jeff L, Justin, just to name a few.  The runners were getting signed in and the aid station was starting to come together.  It was so great to see so many familiar faces...it was like coming home and I was pretty much on cloud nine.

I was so happy to see Bill and Em and Steve so I got my number and my art work (Em (an artist) made these gorgeous prints of the TARC yeti for every runner) and spent some time yucking it up  with those three and then I saw Streph which was AWESOME as I have not seen him in ages and then Rob ran up and we had a bunch of the original Tuggers there so I knew it was gonna be a good day.  I talked with Clint about Nipmuck and t-shirts and then headed to grab my stuff for the start.

I had not spent a great many miles on trail with Log as I have been focusing more on Tree and hiking as of late.  Running with Log is very different than hiking with tree and it is not just the weight.  It is the hiking versus running.  Running with a log on your shoulder makes you run differently as you need to compensate for not having the use of your arms to aid in your forward movement.  Log eventually comes to "burn" your shoulders and back literally (I have scabs after a run) and not so literally but a more beneath the surface of the skin muscle burn that keeps you sore for a few days.  The course was a 3.3 or so mile loop.  I ran the first four loops pretty quickly and took plenty of time between loops to gab and take pictures and just chill.  I wanted to get in at least 6 loops for the day and enjoyed this race as more of a training run than competitive race...even when I run "competitively" it is only against me.  There are some races I like to try to go for a PR like Speed Goat in July, and there are some races like McNaughton that I am obsessing about (in a good way) and I want to finish come hell or high water, but most of the time I see my races as training for the few races I choose as my personal competition races.  This race was awesome because I just went out there and had fun, gabbed with friends and worked pretty hard.

Me Em and the "Yeti" oh I wonder who was in the suit?

The day was just so well run and low key...I felt like I was running all day with a goofy perma grin on my face...at one point I was coming out of the woods near the start finish and the Yeti jumped from behind a tree and scared the living shit out of me..I screamed like a little girl....later in the race about 10' from the turn around start finish I tripped over nothing banged my chin with log threw log on the ground and twisted my ankle..such a horrendous display of goofiness and in front of quite a few people very typical of me as I am a huge dork.
Melanie was helping Em out at the start finish so I talked a bit with her before grabbing some chocolate covered almonds (the volunteers and the food were exceptional..they always are at the TARC races.  Back on the course I saw Marcy and she was running strong as was Brenda and so many G.A.Cers I can't even begin to name everyone (G.A.C. is another local (an most excellent) group of runners who put on the Stone Cat trail races a fav New England ultra). 

The highlight of my run was a loop with Rob where we had such an awesome talk...it made Kev not being there a bit easier because Rob and I talked about things I would usually gab with Kev about (Thanks Rob you Rock!)

.  He was great and we gabbed and come to find out he buckled at VT and did Stone Cat in like 8 hours!!! holy crap that is fast in my book : )  All in all it was a PERFECT day.  When i got home I actually went out for another hike in Callahan with my weighted vest just to stretch my legs..I met up with Keith and his friend Guy and we hit Halfway for drinks, popcorn and good (bad for you) food.  I slept like a baby and I am so excited that trail running season has officially begun : )

Mike Mark(won Biggest Loser) and I at the finish with Log

I once read the following...

I have no control over the things that thrill me...

I fell immediately in literary love with the author of those words....

I have been wondering about balance (as usual) as it is what I am seeking..what I yearn for...but I am realizing that my "state of balance" may just be very different in terms of how I define it then others...so  how do I balance my impulsive compulsive anxiety crap with what thrills me (in a positive sense) and my slightly off beat way of living my life and thinking about the world around me? Now that I have opened myself up to the people closest to me they feel more inclined to give their two cents about what is good for me...ugh and I have to admit I hate that..but it comes with the territory I guess...opening up = more scrutiny = more unsolicited advice.

So I have to deal with the scrutiny as I brought it on myself...but at the same time how do I advocate for the specific things (those things I KNOW are not part of my obsessive compulsive negative side but are things I am passionate about, love, adore...things that thrill me and make me smile BIG) with S. or friends and family who deem them negatives or disordered just because THEY don't understand them?

One major example is DR  S and even R do not understand or like that I compete in things like DR.  R has told me he thinks I should just stayed focused on ultras. He thinks the entire DR thing is stupid and just a money making enterprise...he thinks the fact that they are making a reality show at DR this year (I had no idea this was the case until Keith told me the other day while training at Callahan as I thought this show was going to be located at some crazy remote place of the world and be filmed after DR) proves his point that I should not be doing it this year as it undermines the reason I do DR...I don't disagree with him as he has a right to his opinion....but what annoys me is that I have to try to explain to R (and S) that I can go to DR this year  even if there was some emotional and physical pain connected to last year's DR that does not mean that it is not a good choice for me.  Truth is I am enjoying my training and I am looking forward to seeing old friends there and have fun and challenge myself..  R keeps saying that filming a show will undermine the racers ability to focus on the tasks at hand and it will become a three ring circus.  My answer is as long as the filming does not effect the participants who want nothing to do with it I am ok with the fact that it is happening ....but if this show does get in the way? I will be pissed....of course no one will care that I am pissed, but still I will be pissed : ) When I sold my road bike to Julie to help pay for DR 2012 there was no reality show connected to it....I liked that bike....nuff said.

Now S thinks a repeat of DR is bad idea since she has heard the background from last years DR (the issues with T and our relationship, my ambulance ride, fighting insurance all summer and dealing with the money fall out from that) she thinks it is bad to go back to something that has such negativity tied to it...

So here is where I am having trouble..I should not have to explain DR to anyone but I have now set myself up to HAVE to explain DR when I invited people into my life to judge why I do what do (S and to a lesser degree friends).  This is causing me some trouble and I am NOT doing a terrific job balancing this.  In fact I am getting angry and annoyed that I now have to explain every thing I do. S was horrified by my Winter Beast RR....she feels that these kind of races are part of my crazy "obsessive-compulsive-anxiety-pts-eating disordered self" but I disagree.  This is actually part of my crazy "I march to the beat of my own drum-like to challenge myself-getting muddy and carrying heavy things up and down a mtn self".

There is "good" crazy and "bad" crazy in all of us....
I do not seriously believe there is a connection between me doing DR and my being sexually abused as a child...sorry I am not belittling my abuse, but just because lots of people think doing something like DR is crazy does not mean it is not "normal" behavior...seriously there are just some things that are hard to define as normal or not.

If I drank a botttle of champagne and binged on chicken wings and shit myself during DR well then that is not normal behavior and boy oh boy someone who does something like that has got some serious issues : )

I want to do DR because last year I had a blast with Jay and Dennis, I met great people like John M,  Johnny, Pete S.J., Erika, Jason and after the race I got to know the Tire Guys, Ryan B and Margaret and I have many people I am looking forward to meeting and or getting to know better (Grace she was just too fast to cross paths with last year!, Lisa, Kat, Joel and so many others). I want to do DR cause I will force myself to learn to swim without crying by doing the 12 mile swim, I have had to work on my wood chopping skills (I still suck) and I will be face to face all weekend with my own fears, inconsistencies and weaknesses and  I will get to know them intimately and by doing so I can find a way to over come them...

they say.
know thy enemy
in terms of DR the enemy is within me 
it is not there because of abuse
it is the fear we all have deep down inside of us
the fear of the unknown, the fear we are not good enough, strong enough
this is the enemy I must face...

So I guess the only thing I can say to S and R about DR is...

I have no control over the things that thrill me...

Breathe

I have questioned what I want to share on this blog..back and forth I go.  One moment I want to revert to what I was like before and the next moment I see the blog as just letting go of the past and putting it all out there so I can move forward...I talked with Kev last night and he reminded me that the writing of my blog is not really just for me...that I don't get many responses to what I write...I am not going to win any bloggie awards in fact most people who read it don't respond, but I have had a few responders and based on what they wrote and or emailed it has helped a few people. This journey is at times painful, embarrassing and most often silly and pathetic but those words pretty much describe some major experiences in my life..it does help me to share all this crap..it helps me to slowly peel away years of shame so I can feel lighter...so for now I am gonna share a bit more....I may pull back again who knows but for now it is time to open the door a little bit more...

I am learning new things about myself every day.  It is funny because I spent years ignoring any part of my emotional and or mental well being and focused only on the physical…..what my body was doing and or feeling in the moment….and now I am starting to take a new path...to look for a cause and effect in terms of my emotional and mental well being….

The first thing I am realizing is there is a relationship between the seasons and my emotional states as well as female hormonal fluctuations and my emotional and physical states. Now I know this is nothing new and most of you will be like "uh duh Michelle..you mean people feel sad and tired on rainy days and women are known to become slightly manic or lunatic like when they have their period? That explains sooooo much…thanks for your genius insight….gosh your brilliant (said very snidely as they knock me over)”   I know that those things are common knowledge but me taking the time to try to understand how they effect me....why I react the way I do to these outliers or how  hormones or weather or stress do play a role in terms of my disordered eating 'moments" can help me to be proactive and try to stop them from occurring. I know that is a tall order... to try to have control over my disorder.. I am asking myself to control something that is by definition out of control... For those of you reading this who experience your own "out of control" moments (whether it is due to drug use, alcohol, food, sex, shopping...whatever) well you know it is easier said than done in terms of controlling the freight train that is bearing down on you and usually over takes you and then just runs you the F over....it is hard to try to stop that train, but I believe anything that is worth doing in life should be kinda hard... ya know?

So you see giving myself the opportunity to slow down and think about how I am feeling in the moment is one of the biggest things I have taken away from my time with S.  It is funny that one of the first things she said to me was “relax, slow down and take a breath”…I have always HATED being told to relax and I guess I am beginning to realize why it has always been a pet peeve of mine. I understand now that I have been told that since I was a child from family, friends and even strangers.   I am just starting to be aware that when I am feeling stress my anxiety gets a bit over the top and I start to talk fast…REALLY FAST....one long run on sentence kind of fast with a bit of manic thrown in for good measure.  I also do not breathe and although I am unaware that I am doing it…everyone else must have been VERY aware of this....as looking back I have heard over and over again from childhood on..."stop holding your breath Michelle...or take a breath Michelle".   It kind of embarrasses me to think about it now.  When people tell me to relax or breathe or whatever the first thing that I always felt is shock as in "why are they speaking to me like that?"  and then I always felt hurt and then finally It would make me feel angry.

As I talk more with S I realize I need to be more "in the moment" and this will help me to pinpoint when I become a bit manic in my conversations.  This only happens with the few people I truly am close to (family, and a handful of others) but with everyone else I interact with I don't feel the need to be understood..I don't really care if someone thinks I am strange or doesn't get where I am coming from..  It is only when I really care about someone and have shown my real self that I want them to truly see me and hear me and know where I am coming from otherwise I just bop along as my silly little twitty self and don't really share much of anything. 

So I guess I am learning that when I open myself up to loving someone it is very important for me to have that person truly LISTEN and HEAR what I am saying and finally to UNDERSTAND.   S explained yesterday that this is common for abuse victims.... to be emotional loners and to put up walls with the majority of people but if you do let someone in you have to feel understood.  I remember many times Trooper Dave staring at me funny when I was talking and him saying in a real calm voice "relax Michelle".   R tells me on the phone that I constantly repeat the same point to him over and over as if he never heard me the first time...

So my goal now is to "realize" when I am doing this and to just stop talking and breathe.  Breathe until the need to explain myself passes by.  It doesn't matter if the few people I truly love misunderstand me...they still love me and that is all that matters in the moment.  I need to focus more on understanding myself.

So to do this I have been trying to get a better connection with myself….trying to become more aware of triggers and or outside influences that lead to episodes of anxiety, disordered eating or just that sense of overwhelming sadness I get once and awhile.  Yoga was the first step in this process and that has helped me enormously. This has helped to remind me to breathe…I have always preferred to hold my breath as it is a way to combat anxiety...I have always found comfort with this feeling..I imagine that when I actually take the proverbially "plunge" and put my head under water I will be able to hold my breath for ever.  Yoga has also helped with my running.  I have always been comfortable with ultra running as my cardio endurance is pretty strong, but sprinting and or explosive stuff has never really been my forte. Yoga is helping with this so that is an added bonus : ) 

I realize that I take more time to just be "in it"... to be in the moment.  I have been told that I sometimes "go away" as in one moment I am there interacting with a person or people and the next moment I am just gone..zoned out so deeply lost in thought that I am unaware of what is going on around me.    R has told me that there have been numerous times when we are talking on the phone that one moment I am in a conversation with him and the next I have drifted off..that I do not say goodbye but just kind of end conversations in mid stream as if I  snatched away..he jokingly states that I am an alien and I need to periodically return to the mother ship. I think it has something to do with being an introvert as I find comfort and energy from within, but S also thinks that this place that I go to was created when I was a little girl and it is my safe place....my place I went to when I was being hurt..and the adult me sometimes goes there as well, when I feel anxious.  I do not do it consciously but I do it nonetheless.  So I am trying to be aware of when this happens as it seems to me a slightly bizarre behavior that I would be better off not having : )   I mean I am pretty comfortable with my own foibles and my own special brand of "crazy" but zoning out in mid conversation and or not saying goodbye on the phone.. not so much ; )

So to do list for today
breathing and living in the moment
check