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Monday, January 31, 2011

Here comes another cold fat ass

It has been so hard to keep up with my writing as I have yet to get Internet in my new apartment! I bring my computer to Starbucks but find that I am focused on doing my online bills and school work while there that I do not have the time to blog. School rarely affords me a second, but today I am skipping lunch and catching up.

I find that I am easing into my new life and finding that the quiet time has brought me much needed peace of mind during a time when I am struggling to make sense of things.  My health has  benefited from the shortened commute, less stress and anxiety that comes with wanting to be everything for everyone.  Since moving to Framingham I have focused first and foremost on my health of course, but in doing so I have found my way back to things that were important to me but had been some how lost to me: I have read over 20 books, returned to running (and logging my workouts) my nutrition plan is helping to keep my body going during the struggles of the past few weeks and will keep me strong during the next few months. I have reconnected with old friends and have tried to build bridges between those friends who did not understand my flight from running.

I struggle with returning to running...not the physical act but the mental aspects of returning to something that at one time became to me the only way of defining myself...an obsession if you will. I realized this past year that I am not Michelle the runner.... I am Michelle the teacher, daughter, friend, cancer fighter, voracious book reader, writer, maker of lists and calorie counter, tone deaf car singer, cat lover, silly twisted annoying little twit who wants to live each day as it is her last but a times crawls under the covers and cries because she thinks she is fat. I am so much more than an obsession....I am at once hard as a diamond and as cold as steel and the next moment I am crying over a humane society commercial. I am a woman who is more comfortable in a dive bar then at a restaurant with too many pieces of cutlery....oh and by the way I still love to run through the woods with reckless abandon.

I can do nothing now but focus on health. I have not been running in terms of serious training. I am going to run the frozen fat ass and will finish on sheer will power and not because I am in training shape...for now I will run with my heart as my body slowly catches up ; )