How I spent my last day of summer vacation

yesterday was my last real summer vacation day as I start back at school Monday.  I was not sure how I wanted to spend it but I knew I was feeling a bit out of sorts.  I was supposed to go to a concert with Trooper D., I also had an invite to head to the cape for early dinner with an old friend to catch up (he ended up having to get his boat out of the water for the upcoming visit of Irene) or I would just do my own thing all day and then go for an easy run, watch a movie with R. and then get to bed early.
I had talked with Kevin earlier in the morning and had shared how I felt pulled in so many directions lately, and how I am mourning the loss of "quiet private" time that I had loved this past spring.  I decided to spend the day doing low key things. 

I started off by drinking coffee and enjoying my grapefruit and egg breakfast on the porch and reading my new MF hers.  I left by 7:30 to drop off my laundry as I have it done (my tiny studio obviously does not have a washer...it does not even have a stove or range!) by this great laundromat in Ashland.  Since I was already heading that way I decided to hit the Ashland Golds for an ass kicking back, bi and tri workout....I am in love with the Navy Seal pull up push up pyramid to warm up whenever I do any upper body training so started off with that and felt great. I  noticed how cut I looked and my stomach well lets just say this morning it was not causing me any physical or mental distress.  I had a shake after and headed to DD to grab an iced Turbo.  I have no idea why..but I felt the need to do some DIY projects in my apartment so I hit Home Depot and proceeded to spend over 150 on paint, tools, and shelves. The plan was to take down all the crap that was on the walls of my "under eves office nook" and paint and rearrange bringing the space clarity and clean lines so I can actually sit there and do work.  The apartment is TINY but I do love it....it is just right for me.  After I gave away most of my possessions this past winter I felt really light...and I realized today that I wanted to simplify my place and my life even more.  So I removed everything off the office walls and the kitchen walls.  I painted the office nook and tried to put my shelves up in my kitchen.  The painting was a great success but I needed to call on Trooper D. for help with the shelves. So after D. dropped off his son he came my way with an iced coffee and extra tools in hand. 4 hours later we had a gorgeous kitchen (minus the paint as I ran out of time) and a perfect office nook to start back at school.

It is amazing how a bit of DIY work can clear your mind and help to lift your spirits...now I need to focus on the inside DIY

Been a long time since I rock and rolled...

So I have not written in a looooong time.  Just have had nothing interesting to say and I have been a bit up in the air...felt like I was not "fitting" into my own skin.  Had to let go of the past to move forward but could not force that had to just ride the wave until I woke up one day and said "wow...it's all good".  Funny that I felt  today was the day that it is "all good" as I have been awake for like two days having done an overnight fastpack last night and having yet to feel sleepy enough to take a nap.  So when I got home this morning at 9 am from the Mid State trail head I updated my training log, made a delicious steamed kale with black sesame dish with grilled chicken, drank a gallon of water, and read through "silly" chick magazines in my baby doll nightie..until 12:50 pm when I decided to start up my blog again.  I feel like it is a good time as I am returning to school and a sense of normalcy...summer is like a fantasy time for me...I just flit and float around like a boob..training 2-3 times a day, going for adventure drives, traveling, reading books on my porch drinking wine in the middle of the afternoon..yep it is time to get back to it!  No more flouncing around like a twit...

I have Peak 500 and DR 2012 to focus my attention on as well as getting back into the shorter ultra distance races and losing the belly fat I have accumulated from too many buffalo chicken wings and beer!  I have also started to look into my PT license as I have had such a great time working with friends and coworkers helping them to achieve weight loss goals (upcoming blog post about Trooper Dave's transformation!) I have returned to keeping a pretty specific training log both online and in my Staples dollar notebook.  I have also returned to documenting my daily nutrition.  I am trying (and have some what succeeded) in gaining  mass...the good kind ie muscle mass...now as I alluded to earlier there is a bit more belly and hip chub as well ; ) and although I do not like the belly and hip chub I know that it is a good thing as it signifies I have made some really great strides in terms of my food and body issues : ) I mean now I actually eat ice cream and chicken wings...this time last year I would NOT have been able to do either.  Yes as my close friends will attest at times I do still beat myself up after having inhaled wings, ribs and beer, but I get over it now (well KZ may have something to add there as I can kind of...well sometimes talk a wee bit too much about my fat belly).   I kind of talk myself down from any BDD issues with a mantra that includes "tomorrow is a new day" where I remind myself that tomorroww will be a new day to eat healthy and get back on track. In the past I would have hit the gym for a three hour training session or gone out and run on a full belly..ugh or worse I would have laid in bed and cried...soooooo I am feeling pretty chipper about my new found "zen" attitude towards the occasional cheat meal. 

I have been reading a great deal about nutrition lately, both from scientificallyly backed research tomes to the women's health rags like Women's Health or Oxygen (and the occasional US magazine titled "(insert yo yo dieting starlets name here) Diet Secrets and How She Lost 10 lbs!"  I have taken to documenting what I eat, when I eat and how I feel every day in terms of my food intake.  I am trying to determine if I eat when I am hungry or eat when I am sad or stressed... at times I am checking to see if I have eaten enough based on the amount of training I do.  In the past I was skinny yep my belly was flat as a pancake but I was far weaker.  I was not eating enough...I was able to accomplish high levels of training for both ultras and in the gym by shear will....eventually though my body just kind of gave up..especially when I got sick again my body finally could not keep up with the determination in my head and my heart...and the poor thing just threw in the towel. 

It is true that I have been tough on this body of mine...in the past berating it for being ugly and weak.  I now realize that it is time for me to let this body know how much I appreciate it.  How it is strong and allows me to do cool and amazing things, how it is not like any other woman's body but is special and unique and therefore a gift to be cherished and not bullied or despised...this body is the vessel for my heart and my mind and those two things are not too shabby or so I have been told by one or two people ; )

So now I eat.  I eat often and I eat alot..and about 85% of the time it is based on smart choices:

GOOD DAY

6am coffee with stevia, grapefruit, boiled egg

8 am banana before Cardio

9:30 am Chobani plain with 1/2 c blueberries and 6 walnuts, med size skinny vanilla ice lattee from Starbucks

11:30 turkey sandwich with tomato, sprouts, tbl hummus on pita

1:00 pm weight training

2:00 pm whey protein shake (120 cal of whey powder ice and water)

3:30 apple with 12 almonds

6:00 pm 1 cup grilled chicken and 1/2 cup buffalo steak, cold beet salad with balsamic vinegar and dried cherries, steamed beans

1-2 glasses of wine (4 ounces each)

100 calorie bar dark chocolate

BAD DAY

A bad day always starts out good...some eggs and fruit followed by healthy snacks of yogurt and nuts and an apple and usually some 300 calorie sandwich....but then as the afternoon progresses I will have ordered 2 skinny vanilla lattes but this time the big size or worse a DD large ice turbo with toasted almond coffee and caramel syrup extra skim milk...then dinner is on the horizon...oh boy...

one of the following things will happen

I will eat bar popcorn at least 2 bowls then I will order 6 large buffalo wings or 12 small ones along with 3 or 4 ribs, wine and or beer (at least 3 glasses)

or I will eat chips and salsa and guacamole at least two baskets full of chips and a huge bowl of guac..then a steak then I will get two large scoops of ice cream with jimmies on it...extra jimmies and I will have drank 3 glasses of wine or a sangria and wine or a sangria a wine and a beer...then when I get home I will be buzzed (an important disclaimer I do not drive when I have these nights) so I will eat two 100 calorie dark chocolate bars or an energy bar saved for an ultra run because it will have chocolate in it or I will actually eat GU if it is chocolate or vanilla flavor...a few months ago I ate an entire container of vanilla frosting on a binge...

So one of my goals for this new blog is to obviously write more : ) to try for an every day at least snippet of what I eat and how I feel as it will help me I think to share with the three of you that read this how I am faring in this battle against negative body image...I don't talk much or in great detail about serious health issues in this blog cuz it is very personal but I want to try to work through a few tough choices I will have to make in the near future.  I am also trying to work through how women deal with cancer in terms of their sexuality...basically how they perceive their sexual identity...but that stuff is still being "thought on" and I can't yet put any thoughts to this blog. I want to continue to work through the never ending crazy saga that is my love life and how I am trying to grow and change in terms of relationships.  I also want to share my training as I am upping the intensity and changing it up for the upcoming goals I have in the spring and early summer.  I am also starting back at work and my Turnip is leaving me for the great wide west...so lots is a happening and I think I feel like sharing a few of things with whom ever is interested in reading...