another interlude.....

I am excited for vacation.   I am heading to western MA to Race Brook Lodge...I have ALWAYS loved W. MA and have fond memories of all the  WMAC races I have run there.  Race Brook Lodge  is one of my top ten favorite places in the world. 

I had an email from my friend Breakheart Dan the other day, one of the original Tuggers, he is suffering from a pretty serious injury that has made it very difficult for him to run at all...we talked about how we miss just running with friends and enjoying the scene...and that was when I realized how excited I am for the 2012 running season : ) I looked through my race calendar and it made me smile...100 m PEAK snowshoes March 3rd, the TARC Spring Thaw ultra March 18th, Em (kitten) T. is the RD and I am beyond excited to experience this new race.  April has the first Grand Tree race Northern Nipmuck on the 7th,  a tough course but loads of fun, then I have a back to back race weekend with the Traprock 50k on April 14th and DRB 50 miler on the 15th followed by another back to back weekend with the TARC Spring Classic ultra April 28 and Blue Hills Trail Run on the 29th.  I leave May 3rd for Vermont and spend the 3rd to the 13th running the McNaughton 500.....then depending on recovery I may do Soapstone on the 20th another Grand Tree race whose RD Deb Livingston is my trail running hero,  and possibly Pineland Farms 50 on the 26th.  June there is a new ultra, Nipmuck 50k, I will want to do and then the 14th to the 17th I am back to Amee farm for DR.  July I am leaving New England and traveling for the entire month...running Vol State the 12th through the 22nd or until I finish the race..then drive out west to Utah for Speedgoat and just some hiking and adventure time...back to New England for the first weekend of August for the TARC Summer Classic ultra and then really the rest of August has yet to be totally planned out, although I really want to pace Kev at Leadville so August will probably include a road trip out west : )

this afternoon I see S. for the second time and I feel there is some hope that she can help guide me along this path I have chosen to follow....it is good to feel hope...

Interlude...

Sunday afternoon.....I saw a boy, maybe nine or ten, with a large gold painted box on his head in downtown Framingham...he was right there on the sidewalk....and he was dancing...

as I drove further along I saw a bright red ball dance across the street...two minutes later a yellow one and then a green one... dancing with the wind ....

I was listening to a song from a mixed CD R made me.... the singer sang sweetly that when he saw her from afar he could not move until she had walked past....I cried...
Saturday night was tough..I txted Kev at midnight....told him to take down my blog....
it was all too much....how to explain it.....imagine lying on a gurney...your chest cracked open people stare at your body naked on the gurney...what are they focusing on....bruised and battered your body is no longer connected to you but you can some how see...you alone among all these faces...some fascinated others repulsed or filled with horror...some turn away....you see....your heart....it is still beating....

I know why I felt this.....Friday afternoon was my first therapy session...I can't even start to think about how to talk about that....but I know I like her ..she wore funky glasses and she smiled when I swore...she herself is not one to curse, but I could tell my swearing made sense to her...she said it was OK to be angry..and that was what I was waiting to hear....

I fear that what I share in this blog will be found by the "wrong" person and will be used against me...I fear that I will be seen as unstable because I am sharing where I have come from and what has happened to me..it is a real fear...

S. with her funky glasses on the end of her nose told me that I am a survivor...that she can see it in my body language and hear it in my voice..I tell her I already know this....I have been clawing my way to the surface for as long as I can remember....buried under sorrow and pain I refuse to let it smother me...but I am tired right now...so I need to stop and think for a bit...I put my blog posts back up because I am a fighter...I don't want to be afraid...and isn't fear just a manifestation of what we don't know or understand...I don't know what will happen from this point on because I have no place to hide....I need to take a step back and think....things will come when they are ready...for now I just want to find my own golden box put it on my head...and dance..

Numbers

7       the hours (between midnight and 3 am) I spent this past week WIDE awake thinking
2        the number of arguments over the phone I had this week about what was keeping me awake
2012 the year
2       the month
3       the day
it finally begins.....

5       the amount I need to pay to speak with a stranger
8       the number of hours I have to share 33 years of sadness

24     years ago i got my first ink
2       done by friends
3       done by licensed artists
1       done at a Hells Angel pig roast : )
6       total  number of tats as of Saturday

11,000   number of people who have *ever* finished a 100 miler in North America 

1       rank of lemon frosting on my fav food list

A hike in Callahan or "Rich Busa the manly tree fairy"

February 1....62 degrees...holy tomato sauce...I left school so fast yesterday I beat the kids getting on the bus..as I ran towards my car a group of eighth grade boys yelled "you going to train Miss Roy?" and I smiled....BIG...and said yep..I am sure they went on to say something about how kookie I was which is of course totally true : )

When I got home to my little tree fort I switched from my school clothes into my beater clothes grabbed my sunglasses to keep those wispy hairs out of my mouth and started off towards the end of my long driveway to where the trail head is for Callahan.  Although I answered yes to the boys when they inquired about training...my goal actually was the exact opposite.  I just wanted to go for a walk in the woods.  It had been a week of revelations and my emotions were pretty close to the surface and I was feeling the effects.  In many ways this has been a good week.  Excellent training, school has been awesome, and I have eaten healthy all week even while increasing my calorie intake for what I feel is the start of the serious training.  I felt physically balanced and since I had shared so much (gotten so much off my chest) this week I actually felt LIGHTER...but I still am not ready to jump back not the social realm and kind of feel like hiding out hermit like for a bit...so I kind of just wanted to walk alone in the woods and look around...see what was going on with the flora and fauna.....hopefully catch a glimpse of a deer or maybe a vole who would pop his or her head out thinking these temperatures were the signs of spring.

So I set off on the trail that leads up Gibbs mtn...about 3 minutes into my walk I noticed off the trail to the right a fallen tree had been cut into logs...the tree that must have fallen some time in the past month or so...the tree was chainsawed not cut with an ax and the logs were all pretty long 3-5 feet in length.  There were still branches with leaves on them.  So...I have a thing with logs....I saw this one log and it looked pretty promising... I had a great second log that I kept on top of my car in the basket rack.  I got it from the training at Monadnock with OuterLimits a few months back, but I had had to leave it on the side of the road to make room for furniture I bought a few weeks back from an antique place out in S. NH.  So I knew I needed a new "hiking" log to train with..my DR log is only around 20lbs and that is specifically to run marathon and 50k distance trail races...I wanted a big log..at least double the weight and triple the size to hike with for training.

I went off the trail and dug through the pile and low and behold I found me Tree (KZ named it tree last night when we were gabbing on the phone)

 He laughed his head off that I had found me another piece of mother nature to call my own.  It is funny but I believe that I have kind of started this strange thing of running with a log after taking log home with me from DR and running local marathons and 50ks with it.. In the last year I have had people email me and share with me on FB that they are "borrowing" my idea of running with a log and I love it : )  I did not start the running with something thing of course..I have seen marines run races with flags and full gear and rucksacks for their fallen brothers and sisters and it has always filled my heart with pride and respect when I see that. I run with log for Dan, but Tree...well I am going to train with tree solely for me...

So what was interesting was I pulled tree out from all the other logs and hefted it up on my back and just started hiking with it...on the day that I felt emotionally lighter I guess I felt ready to bear a greater physical burden..whatever the reason I knew the hike took on a totally different meaning for me.  It was not easy to hike with Tree..it is far heavier than log and I could only hold it on a shoulder for about 2 minutes before it really started to hurt.  I would switch it from my right shoulder to across my back and then my left shoulder..and then I would start all over again.  I thought I would use this hike to think but quickly my mind just emptied and I focused solely on the pain my shoulders and back were feeling..and it was wonderful...

I was about 3 miles into my hike when I heard a faint pitter patter of shoes on leaves behind me..I could not turn because tree was on my back and held my neck in a stiff position but the next moment I heard a hearty hello in my left ear and there he was!!! Rich Busa.  It was so nice to see Rich and he slowed his run pace to match my hiking pace and we walked together for about half a mile just talking about the Dion snowshoe series that Rich is a big part of, and we reminisced about all the WMAC races.  We talked about the Groton trail race, one of my first trail races over six years ago,  when Rich stayed with me and brought me across that finish line.  I felt like seeing  Rich was a sign.  We talked about our mutual love of running trails, how being last or first it does not matter what matters is being in the moment and the experience of the trails and the people and the freedom and lightness of being it brings to us....he shared that soon he will put a fav quote by Teddy Roosevelt up on his FB page as he felt it reflected perfectly what we were gabbing about...and then he was off to run "his trails" and I continued on with my my own burden.

I love these warm days in mid winter....especially when you run through pockets of warm air...it feels like  some one has set up a heater behind a tree for your momentary enjoyment.  It is really just the earth...the soil and both the living as well as the dying that warms your legs as you run past...the warmth comes from the breaking down and in a month or so new life will emerge.  It is both calming and exhilarating this balance between life and death...I continued on in my walk and the sun started to set and the cooler temperatures came rolling in.  I walked to the far edge of Callahan out onto a back road and walked that for a bit and then jumped back into the woods and continued on just hitting all the trails Acorn , Bear paw, Backpacker, the meadow and made sure I just looped around and about until it was getting darker and my shoulders and back were screaming.  Then I made my way back up the long driveway and climbed the stairs to my tree fort and placed Tree in a corner took off my muddy sneakers and socks and left them on the landing and went inside to pour a glass of wine and make dinner. 

I feel like I have made strives this week in my pursuit of balance.  I feel in a good place in many ways but I am still at the point where interacting with large groups would be like being hit by a train.  So I am removing myself from that for a bit and just going back to where I was before in terms of DR and that is training alone.  Today i go to get my hair cut and I want to go back to blond...I am not digging the multicolor rainbow that is my hair at the moment.  Friday I will take Tree for another walk and then have a nice night at home with a book and some wine.  Saturday early am hot yoga class then a long run.  After I am heading with Julie to  her tat guy..she is having work done and I am finally getting my next one...

Very excited : ) I think this will either be on my upper back/lower neck or one word on top of each shoulder or maybe both words on one shoulder...this will be number 6 and I LOVE each and every one... my first being way back when I was in high school...gosh...seems so long ago : )  My poor mother...a proper British mum with a daughter with a back full of tattoos... good thing I sent her to Florida for the winter lol : )