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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Tarc Spring Thaw AKA Happy Happy Joy Joy

RD Emily"kitten" and Yeti"Steve" and Michelle umm just Michelle or Lil Roy to the Tuggers
 
 
Last year the inaugural TARC Spring Thaw saw temperatures rise into the 80's ...this year the second anual THAW saw a start where runners were bundled up and jumping foot to foot at  trying to warm up.  RD Emily aka Kitten is well..just...amazing...not only is she:
 
a dear friend and confidant
a cheerleader to all who ever try to acomplish something important in their lives
a teacher
an amazing artist
a goofy glorious old soul
a person I am priveleged to say I know...
 
she is an original member of the TUGGERS  who like other TUGs including Steve, Dan and Julie became RD's : )
 
Her Spring Thaw, with the help of the most amazing TARC volunteers and TARC members, is seriously just an absolute joyfest to run.  I think of it as the first trail race of the season.  A time to run for a PR or just to get your legs moving afetr a long cold winter or just a time to gab with friends and nosh on delictables at the runner/volunteer stocked aid stations. 
 
I ran the day before the race with Julie.  She took me on part of her Badass Fatass course and we got in 14 fun (often snow blanketed) miles of paved/dirt roads, trails and a summit of Mount Wachusetts.  We gabbed the entire time but the last two miles where a insidious hill had me doing everything I could to not keel over.  I felt awesome and wanted my first weekend of count down races/training for PEAK to be a dbl.  So I went to the Thaw with the idea just to run it for time on feet so I dcided to run with the log...Emily and other TARCers are very kind to let me run races with it...
I always start dead last..I always step off the trail to let the faster people run by and I just make sure that my bringing this to a race does not in any way impede someones ability to run the course free of obstructions like dorky chicks carrying wood...
well I am there
and I am dorky
and I have the wood...
I just make sure to get my ass out of the way : )
 
The coourse was snow covered but the trail was walked /ran on so you were not postholing..as the day moved on though it got very slippy and running with something on your shoulder is awkward enough..add slippy trails and well it makes for a tough day of running.  seeing all the smiling faces and positive racers made up for any discomort though...I just always feel so blessed when I run trail races...they are just a different
 
So I ran for about 3 1/2 hours then I brought more water and cups t the midpoint aid station of the course and then i headed home to make a roast chicken for Doc and prepare for my Monday morning back at school.


stolen scales AKA I don't have enough room for your amount of crazy

So Doc drove me to the dentist's the other day and lo and behold my scale was in the back of the truck...
my
scale...

my
beloved
scale...

it was just lying there
amongst his climbing gear
play it cool Roy don't let him see your eye twitch with anticipation...

Doc took it from me in a moment of pure unadulterated craziness.....mine...not his...
He just grabbed it and walked down the stairs ignoring my pledges and pleadings...
"I will be good"
"I won't weigh myself at night"
"I will only do it on Friday"
"Pleassseee I NEED THAT SCALE"

and now there it was... laying in the back seat
calling to me..
You just ate that huge bowl of yogurt and bananas and blueberries and almond butter and hemp, chia and flax seeds... fatty fatty two by four...can't fit through the truck door... I wonder what that Buddha belly of yours weighs now?

Doc got the scale for me when we first met..he made me weigh myself and document my weight every day to prove that weight fluctuates.
I am not an expert on this..he is... so I will keep it simple.  I guess on a daily basis just due to fluid my weight fluctuates...I can expect a plus or minus 2% change in my body mass based on losing or hanging on to fluid...so just because one day I am 114 and the next day I am 110 and the following Sunday I am 108 (after a run) I am not gaining or losing fat....it is just water....well that and the entire bag of pistachios I scarfed while watching North Woods Law

After three months he took all my daily weigh ins and proved they fluctuate pretty much the same each month...
ok ok you proved your point...I never doubted you...this is your thing
but
I don't care what the hell it is...water, fat, air, aliens impregnating me with their seed...If my belly is bloated I lose it : )

So I had to promise a couple of things before he got me the scale...
1) I had to not be a freak
2) I had to promise not to weigh myself at the end of the day
3) I could not have a crazy breakdown when the scale said 113

or he would take it away

now number one...well umm..that's a tough one...but I kept my promise and number two and hence number 3 did not happen....until winter came...and I slowed down my training...and a few weeks ago it happened....
I hit 113 at 4 pm and freaked out...
I saw that coming people 

so now no scale...
but I have replaced that with...
wait for it...
the belly buster woo hoo...

I showed it to Doc last week and he just shook his head...
I realize he does that alot when he is around me..
he said if it makes you feel better babe then that is a good thing...
that was until I tried to wear it to bed...
at that point he kind of put his foot down...

I guess I understand where he is coming from...
my night time attire is already less than attractive...his way too big sweatshirt and a pair of way too big pj bottoms both of which are usually covered with dried yogurt...my hair is usually in greasy lopsided braids due to the fact that I only wash my hair like um mm 3 times a week...umm even after hot yoga I don't shower : )
sooooo a big black band that wraps around my entire torso may be taking it a wee bit too far....

until he falls asleep that is...
and I wake up at 2 am and sneak it on....
it is like a glorious Velcro and stretchy fabric cocoon
I even wore it Saturday when Jules and I ran...I showed it to her... she laughed..with me not at me and then we ran 14 miles...my tummy was a sweaty mess when I was done...but a happy sweaty mess was I...

I know it is just a band aid for the real issue I have...
my belly...
the belly buster is my six year old Hello Kitty I have a booboo mommy band aid...
and I know I need to work on the underlying cause of waltzing around in a velcro  torso band...
trust me
I am
I am...

but for now I just have to keep the belly buster from turning into another scale debacle...
Doc's got a lot of crap in the back of his truck..
There is NO WAY there is enough room back there for all my absurdity...
hmmmmm
maybe he needs to get a trailer hitch ; )


Friday, March 22, 2013

If you do something interesting...and you don't put it on FB...did it really happen? Aka nobody loves me but I have a flat belly so who cares...

I have just a wee bit more to say about FB and then I am done...I promise...
so since I may piss people off...I will remind them not to take themselves so seriously with a confession of my own absurdity:

I bought the Belly Burner today at CVS...

I am wearing it as I type this...
I love it...
seriously
I am sooo happy
for someone living with an ED and specifically with BDD that is tummy focused..this 19.99  purchase is a godsend...
I wrap it around my stomach and I can wear it while doing chores, watching TV...running or exercising...
why I love it is it holds in my tummy and it is really comfy...and I can't see my tummy stick out and I don't have to suck it in!!!!! It hides the thing I hate the most : )
I know it may seem like just a band aid but.....
I have had a tough week in terms of my BDD...
so if it makes me feel better....
I will admit wholeheartedly to my absurdity..
and proudly announce I am a satisfied customer...and if they want to sponsor me...well just drop me an email....

Now down to the nitty gritty
I have removed myself from Daily Mile and have been trying to ween myself from FB.
Ween really means I am trying to make it a priority not to post anything that makes me look like
a(n) insert word here
ass
self centered numb nut
idiot
self absorbed, braggart
basically I am focusing on not beating out Gwyneth Paltrow for the douche bag of the year award...

I am still doing some fun things and still training for the 500.... I just don't feel the need to always announce it to the world...or in my case my few friends on FB : )

I do not miss DM and logging my training...I mean it wasn't as if I EVER went back and used this information...in truth it made me feel a bit strange telling people (most of whom I have never met) "hey I ran 10 miles on my treadmill today yippee skippy".  I know for some people it is very motivating to share their training with others, but I never really read what other people did so I kind of wrote in my training and then...nothing...I mean who the hell needs to know how many miles I run? It's not like people knowing I ran an 80 mile week is gonna help me finish the 500..and people knowing I ran a 20 mile week wouldn't motivate me either...you would think in theory admitting I am lazy to the world would hold me more accountable to get out and run...but nah...not so much. Since I don't run for anyone but me....there is no "Sally Field" moment when it comes to my running..I don't care if I am ever listed as a finisher again...maybe its time to start registering incognito...
I always wanted a cooler name....
Tish Rad
Lexie Bolt Jenkins
LaLa McGurkshy
(all very cool names..I made them up just now...wouldn't it be neat if these people really existed?)

Back to FB....well the quiet on my FB page has always been kind of deafening...you can hear the crickets...chirp chirp

To be brutally honest I usually get only a  few likes when I post something....funny thing is in the past  when I posted pics of me running or sharing a race I did I got way more likes...go figure...but I always felt a little stupid posting it...I guess.I am not really that interesting..and or my posts at most times are a bit too strange for peoples tastes...I find all my posts about poo to be like the Great Expectations of my FB posts...did I get lots of likes? no..not so much...well there is no accounting for people's tastes...poo is not that widespread of a daily topic (though it totally should be!!!)
My friends give me sympathy likes though...much like they give me "fake laughs" when I try to amuse them...friends like Julie, Margaret, Jane and Emily and other ultra runners I know "like" the stupid stuff I post, but they are so sweet they would "like" a picture of my left nostril...

I was thinking that much of what I used to do on FB and DM when you come down to brass tacks is well...
just bragging..
plain and simple..
I am tooting my own horn

I mean when you use FB to tell people what you plan on doing or to show a picture of your rock hard abs or your pics of your photo shoot well your BRAGGING..it is not fricken rocket science...if I don't ask you what you have planned for the weekend or if I am not asking you to post a picture of yourself in a bikini or shirtless holding a boulder over your head, but you feel the need to tell me or show me anyway.... it is because you want me to know...
because
well
you want me to be impressed...
duh...
your bragging...
There are worse vices though...say.... selling meth to children while kicking puppies in the face...that is slightly worse..so if I find myself bragging by posting a pic at a race (I have one Sunday) well...I admit I am doing it so you will like me...come on now people...I am still working on it... give me a break here...at least I don't make meth...sheesh...

Speaking of worse vices then meth....I have heard that there is a way for people to "buy" likes on FB..what?!
Are you serious? 
Yes my friends...it is true..
its like Pepsi Zero people...oh the shame of it all...

So I guess this is how it works....
You pay around 100 dollars to a Cal Tech grad who lives in is parents basement....he has at his disposal a plethora of developing nations who can use that 100 bucks.....basically you "buy" the likes of the people in this small nation (most of which are under the thumb of a dictator).  I guess the dictator makes a national holiday in your name and all the people line up at the dictators palatial palace to log in to his laptop (under an assumed name) and "like" your FB page....
I guess the more likes you get on your FB page/"fan" page you are one step closer to finding yourself signing a contract that now gives you the authority to proclaim yourself a "professional racer" which really means you get free entry into races..the people of the developing nation each get a hankie with the race logo on it...so as you can see it works out for everyone : ) 

Do I miss it now that my FB page is kinda quiet? hm mm well I must admit...it kind of always was quiet...
I am not muy popularie...
but it was always nice to post some cool thing I did and have my friends "like" me and my actions...
and yet it has become so second nature to post your exploits on FB
in a way it is as if something is not truly accomplished till it is documented on FB

hmmmm its kind of like that tree in the forest
the one that falls....
the one that if no one is around to hear it fall...
ya know that saying?

well...
I may just be more often than not...that tree....
and I am OK with that...

still the siren call of FB beckons me to post...
I am just trying to stop and ask myself
what is your goal for sharing this Michelle?
Is it just silly or funny..OK
Is it motivational like a cool quote you read? OK
Is it something about someone you admire or to help someone raise money or to celebrate something positive? OK

or
is it just tooting my own horn?
if so..
I am totally tone deaf..
so that is probably not always a good idea : )


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

FB Supastar aka who the heck has "fans" on FB?


OK this is one of those posts that could possibly annoy people or make them dislike me and that is OK..I am not trying to hurt people I am just "telling it like it is ".  Truth is I am only bringing to light something that many of us are probably already aware of and are not quite comfortable calling people out on.  This is especially true if you use FB and have been guilty of updating others on all the minutia of your life (guilty as charged) as if it really matters a hill of beans ( it doesn't).

This post is about a new and slightly ridiculous phenomenon I will call FBFP.

Let me begin by first addressing my own FB foibles...calling myself out on the carpet by sharing a few of my own idiotic/pathetic FB moments...
1. I was part of this Spartan calendar thing a while back...a black and white (no grey here people) selling of "sexy" to the cool aid clutch known as the Spartans.  
It was fun.
I got my hair done and make up done and the women around me tried to help me have some semblance of sexiness in my very unsexy poses.
I enjoyed myself and I gave a pic or two to Doc who has never.... nor will he ever... see me again wearing makeup (not even when I am dead as I plan to be cremated) so these sexy photos with me all pouty mouthed were enjoyed thoroughly by him.  
I was very willing participant in this sexy cavalcade and I have no qualms or issues with it...sex sells and pretty women doing athletic pursuits in the mud..well...it makes for a good calender...no issues with that....
My issue is that I totally put the link for my pics on FB : ) and truth be told I loved it when  a few exes messaged me to say I looked good : ) Damn skippy boys...it took forever to get that makeup off my fricken face...and the hairspray in my hair dear god...I best have looked presentable.  I put my link up...no one asked me to put it up...I saw the pics...Doc saw the pics...so why did I feel the need to put the link up?  Lookit me lookit me being all sexy like holding a Spartan helmet and a spear ...ohhhhh aren't I so pretty?  Look at the shiny lights in the sky ohhh so pretty...ugh...yep guilty as charged.

2. I have taken the famous close up of my face with a lovely trail in the background pic which screams out "looky here everyone!! Look at me with my amazing ability to run on a trail stop and shoot a pic of myself wow I am so amazing I can run...on a trail...wow"  

3. Worse I have posted pics of me and Log...the fact that I call it Log with a capital L makes me slightly even more ridiculous than I already am..."hey everyone look here it’s me and Log on a run together oh wow I am great I can run with a Log aren't I an inspirational and stupendous human being".  
I run with a log for Dan...so if I run with it for Dan and he is dead why the hell am I posting it on FB??? I don't actually believe in a FB afterlife...

ugh ack yuck...guilty as charged

so I feel like I can be an authority on things that you do on FB that make you look like an ass...

And so here it is in a nutshell FBFP...at what point did people start creating persona's on FB where when people like or comment on their FB posts they are now known as their "fans"???? 
What? 
I understand if Jennifer Aniston has a FB fan page....
and here is the kicker
Jennifer Aniston does not make her fan page people....
if 
it 
is 

fan 
page 
it 
is 
made 
by 

fan!!!!

So lately I have noticed on my FB "feed" the following occurrence
People who run Spartan races (which is not even a professional sport)  create their OWN fan pages??? 
what?
umm FB is not a fan page..
it is just your FB page...
and FYI 
again 
fans create fan pages..
people do not create their own fan pages!!! 

Now I have no issue with OCR becoming a professional sport...and OCR athletes being sponsored and such...I love all sports....the more the merrier...one of my exes is a kick ass tuna captain...trust me tuna fishing is a sport if you have ever fought a tuna (Castafari Captain Damon Sacco call him if you ever want to fish with the best) so I have no issues with OCR becoming pro and maybe being an Olympic sport..I don't watch the Olympics so I could care less if chess is on there...but it is not a professional sport yet... so you can't call yourself a professional OCR racer and tell people how you did on your FB page and if people press the "like" button you now call them your fans...well you can do that if you want...but why the hell would you want to?

The other day I posted a picture of a roast chicken I was cooking on my FB page...maybe 5 people "liked" it and a few commented...that does not make me a famous chef whose fans adore my FB cooking show...ummm they just liked my chicken picture...they were probably just hungry...
its about the chicken and not about me....

a little aside here...I think Hobie Call and Margaret Schaltler are pretty much the fore father and mother of this sport..so if they call themselves professional I will give it to them..not like it matters a hill of beans to them what I think..but it is my blog so I guess my opinion counts only to me while others who choose to read it probably find my writing slightly amusing…like a squirrel trying to find its way into a squirrel proof feeder…

No one has done more for the sport than these two...and both work their ASSES off to create a brand that involves OCR...Hobie has won around 30 or so races.... for one race he ran tethered to his wife to celebrate Valentines day.. for another  he ran with the open heat helping others instead of running his own race. 

Margaret has created something that supports other women reaching deep into themselves to find their athletic potential...she is an ambassador for health and wellness and has a good head on her shoulders..she is the real thing so no disrespect meant to these two....and I know for sure that Margaret has NEVER used the word fans to describe the people she interacts with and the people who reach out to her for advice... these two are not what I am talking about......DIRT IN YOUR SKIRT has earned her fans...and they chose to call themselves that...she did not give them that moniker...

I get it...FB has allowed people to market themselves as actual commodities...or at least try..but unless you have something to sell me you are not a brand...unless I can "buy" you and put you to good use you are not a product...

All the power to you if you want to become a brand though...that's cool....kids need positive role models to look up to...
But as Charles Barkley once famously said "I am not a role model" and I think that applies to me.  

I wrote a post about getting sponsors but truth is...my eating disorder is something I share openly and this is not really conducive to marketing ones self...

my bio includes:
Michelle used to abuse enemas and eat 12 powerbars late at night while watching infomercials for Insanity then cry herself to sleep....but look at her run this race...wow...you too can live with an eating disorder and run...not fast or anything..but maybe like 9 minute miles..on a good day so like you can become a kinda OK runner...just don't buy powerbars in bulk....

or maybe a wristband like Lance
enema strong

or  motivational sayings

Don't binge eat...run instead

enemas = bad  
trails = good 

ummmm not so much

I write of my ED because it is my hope that it helps other women who are going through similar things as me....truth is I like to be able to share how I feel with everyone and hope that sometimes what I say someone else says...hmm I was thinking the exact same thing..or I was feeling just like that....

I refuse to be a cancer role model...way more women have had it far worse then me besides eating disorders are way more funny...cancer is not usually a regular laugh riot...but enemas...well they just make me giggle : )

soooo another post where I try to climb on my soap box but miss and fall on my bum has come to an end...

Lesson of the day:
The only truly good people left in the world are those not on FB
the rest of us are destined for the hell fires...
good thing I say...
because I hate being cold...



Monday, March 11, 2013

Humility, Grace and Integrity aka fighting the good fight



It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles.  Then the victory  is yours.  It cannot be taken from you, not by angels nor by demons, heaven or hell...Buddah

I have been  working through things post PEAK weekend.  Doc and I spoke about it the other night over dinner.  He said he had read my blog...he doesn't always and sometimes long after I have published an entry, but I think he knew I was struggling. 

He said "I know it is important to you to conduct yourself with grace, humility and integrity.  You hold yourself as do I, to a high standard"

Doc is spot on...and the thing I have come to understand about having such a high bar for oneself ..
you are bound at times 
to slip and fall from grace
or you are bound to lose integrity
or you deceive yourself or others when you are only feigning humility
with what is really false modesty

The real challenge is keeping an internal dialogue going and pointing out your own foibles, your weaknesses your falsehoods, your vanity, your greed, your pettiness, your jealousy...the things that make you ugly and dark....these things exist within each one of us....
many deny their existence
while some have decided that it is the dark part of themselves that gets them what they want.....so they coexist in peace...
while a few...we call these dark things out...bring them into the light of day and say I will not allow you to win 

I am not sure when this decision was made or if it was made consciously, but at some point I decided that the only battle worth fighting is with myself....
I can't change anyone else I can only change myself

I have been giving a second chance at life and I won't waste that chance by living meekly or driven by fear...
I will confront what I am afraid of and the only things I am afraid of come from within and I find myself often asking questions internally
"Am I being true to myself?"
"Am I doing this with a pure heart or am I hoping to get something specific in return?"
"Am I angry because I am (insert word here) jealous or spiteful?"
"Have I put forth my best effort or am I making excuses for my failure instead of owning it?"
"Who am i doing this for? Me or for an audience...and if an audience why am I doing it at all then?"

It has been a strange week.  I am just getting back into "training" and I am doing it because I want to not because I feel like I have to live up to expectations outside of myself...I am sloughing off the dead layer of winter doldrums and emerging somewhat new...I think I am constantly trying to move forward in terms of self awareness...sometimes I realize something about myself that I am really proud of, but more often than not...it is something I am not proud of...something that I need to face and change...

My E.D. is somewhat under control.  I have had a few minor breakdowns as of late....but overall it is ehh ok...funny that this has caused me more emotional turmoil than cancer...it makes me a bit ashamed in truth...how could I deal so easily with the one that should be far more scarier and let the other rule many aspects of my life for so long?

Again..internal battles...they are the only ones that really matter...

My body is something that gives me strength one moment and makes me feel weak and pathetic the next...legs that carry me miles and a stomach that can bring me to my knees...it is so so silly
but then again many internal struggle in hindsight are silly...
but at this point I am far from hindsight
and that is ehh ok




Sunday, March 3, 2013

PEAK snowshoe 100 aka the good the bad and the ugly

I am sitting at Doc's desk in the office off our bedroom and he is lying in bed trying to figure out how to sign up for Ghost Rail...I am in my bathrobe and I am constantly shifting my feet around...they are three times bigger than they normally are and the back of my left heel is oozing something..it looks like a ripe juicy peach...
you get something like this from doing 80 miles in snowshoes...and doing the first 4 laps in the wrong snowshoes (big awkward Catalysts) because your Dions are in the back of your car and your car is with Doc who is off on some back roads of VT running a marathon to train for Boston...I of course forgot to grab them when he dropped me off Friday morning at Amee farm... I am a bloody idiot.

The PEAK 100 mile snowshoe is going to be difficult for me to describe..on the one hand I am so proud of getting in the 12/15 loops for 80 miles..PEAK races are always my favorite DNF's!

But and this is a big BUT...something happened this weekend that was really hard for me to deal with and I was unable to separate it from my own race....

sadly this made me negative and cynical...which if you know me is NOT my personality...I am ALWAYS happy on the trails...except when water is involved then I am crying...but otherwise I am always pretty much happy and silly....

not so much this weekend...no this weekend there were a few times that I was in such a sad place.
I couldn't get my mind wrapped around something that was happening right in front of me and although it did not affect MY RACE...it still kind of affected my race....

The problem I am dealing with now is that I let someones unscrupulous choices affect how I felt about an amazing weekend and my own perseverance....I allowed this person's weaknesses to make me someone I never thought I would be...I was angry....I actually let the anger boil up in me consistently loop after loop and finally on loop 11 I did something awful....I yelled at Doc on the trail and I almost quit the race....

On loop 11 a friend I saw on the trail told me something and that was just the last straw in a series of things this person had done throughout the entire race...and I LOST IT...

Doc knew what was going on he had witnessed it first hand but he kept telling me to focus on my game on my race and not to care what anyone else did...he was right of course...
but instead of listening to him...on lap 11 in front of some runners I screamed at Doc and I told him to F off and I was going to quit the race because this person's cheating made the race tarnished for me....

yep I screamed at Doc...who is my BIGGEST cheerleader supporter my best friend and the love of my life....I screamed at him in front of other runners like a great big baby...

Why did it matter if someone else lied about their laps?  This did not affect my race in the least...

I know one aspect of all of this is I abhor cheating...and something like this has happened before......
I knew a person was cheating in a race but I kept my mouth shut..I worked my ass off and NEVER cut corners or took short cuts and although I worked hard I did not finish.....
the person who cheated...cutting the course and writing in loops that were never done..
well this person got their finisher medal...

it pissed me off then and it pissed me off now...
but the question I am trying to deal with now is WHY?
Why do I care? 
If I did my best and did what I could what does it matter if someone cheats and is "listed" as doing what I couldn't? 
Plenty of people can do what I can't do...it never bothers me...in fact I have so many ultra crushes...women who are far better then me like Deb L, Deb P, Amy L, and I just met Kristina F in person this weekend and she has smashed courses that I have struggled on...but I only amazed and inspired by these women...

No I am unsure of where this anger and lashing out at Doc came from...I think a part of me is more competitive then I ever thought....I guess I don't have an issue with people being better then me...my issue is someone who is NOT better then me who is "listed" as better then me because he or she cheats....OK so is it the cheating that bothers me?
Of course...
but it is something else...
and this part is what I am struggling with...
I care what people think...
I care that said group of people..most are not people I see on a daily basis and some people I barely know...
I care that when they see the results there is someone who did not earn it listed as accomplishing what I accomplished through hard work and perseverance...
I CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK....
UGH...
I am such a weak weak person at times...
if there is one thing I try so hard to accomplish in this life it is honesty and openness and being real...
so I need to admit it...
I let the idea that this person would be "listed" as doing as many laps as me almost make me quit a race...and I let this seethe inside of me so much so that I lashed out at Doc...
I am ashamed...
I swore at him
in front of people
all because I cared what OTHER people thought
when I should have been just focusing on the experience
and on Doc
who was by my side and supporting me through what was a really difficult race...
a race I did not get to really enjoy because I let the actions of someone else become more important than what was really important...
being on those trails and seeing people I have come to love
and pushing myself
as I have said before
it is all about the extra loop...
this weekend thank god I had Doc there to remind me...

This weekend I learned some things about myself
I am far from perfect..I care what people think when I shouldn't, I have the capacity to hurt people I love, and I said things to Doc that I am ashamed about....
I keep trying my friends...
to be a better person..
this weekend I took a step back...
and I was a jerk to Doc...

but I will wake tomorrow
and I will begin again
keeping the lessons learned from this weekend
close to my heart
if you are true to yourself
it doesn't  matter what those around you do
in the end you have no one to answer to but yourself.


I am # 15 : )...# 5 Justin ended up doing 12 and stopping...I ended up doing 12 loops in 35 hours