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Thursday, July 11, 2013

Peak 500 2014 aka nothing else matters?

well lots of things actually MATTER but in terms of my racing...PEAK 500 is the only race I have on my radar for 2014 (well that and the PEAK snowshoe 100 which I will not only finish but dare I write it?...yes I dare.. I plan on winning it).

This year I made the decision not to push for the 500 due to a variety of things....the TARC 100 and DR being two and three weeks out from the 500's finish, my health issues, my inability to clear my mind and focus on the task at hand.  At PEAK I broke down on the trails in front of Willy and Nick and just lost it...I talked with Matt B and was like "I can't do this I can never do this"...then I talked with Andy and said crying "I can't Andy I just can't" Others believed in me...I just failed to believe in myself

Andy left me a note in the barn on day 5...written on a paper plate...it said something to the effect of "you can do this but it will be the toughest thing you do". I read it and smiled because it meant a great deal to me that Andy believed I could finish..but too much mental baggage played a mind fudge on me...add to that the emotional toll of being bullied by our very own Rosie Ruiz and I was a total basket case....to do what Nick did I would have to be able to clear my mind of all the baggage I have stored there...to be bigger then the petty shit.... to be above it all.... clear minded and goal oriented...I was none of these things...

Little did I know that while I read that note, with health issues looming I had already destroyed myself for those other two races.  In hindsight I should have gone into PEAK with nothing else on the horizon and had my focus on only that race.  I was in no way mentally prepared to sacrifice myself to that race...and I am not in any way being dramatic using that term.  I fell apart at TARC 100 pacing Julie I was barely holding on and when Michael took over for me after 50 miles Doc drove me home and I crashed and crashed hard.  I have never felt like that and it was really scary...Doc said after the fact he was very upset by what he was observing in terms of some wacky neurological crap I was displaying...so after only 380 miles I was a toasted marshmallow imagine what I would have been like had I pushed those last 4 days to get the 50 miles a day?

well next year I will know....because I signed up for PEAK...and nothing I mean NOTHING will stand in my way from giving myself 100 % to that race.

I had to drop from Vol State due to surgery but I would have dropped anyway to avoid seeing a late entry to that race....I will NOT be around individuals with no moral code..individuals who cheat and lie and bully...life is far too precious to ever waste a second of it in the company of a person like that and to be honest I would not feel physically safe...so although I am sad about Vol State....I know now I need to focus on my health.  I have two weeks after surgery to recover enough to be able to run Speedgoat and I will go to that race and walk it if that is all my body can do : ) as it is not about the finish.... it is about seeing Kev and Margaret and meeting someone special in Kev's life...

I can honestly say that I have never been happier as I am right at this moment I think because I have some clarity...I have thrown out a lot of the baggage that has clouded my head.  I realize I can't be everything to everyone.... I can only be true to me.... hopefully that is enough for those that truly love me...