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Thursday, October 31, 2013

Ghost Rail, Records, Regret, Release, Replenish, Rejoice aka been quite a week




So I did not get the record for running 100 miles with a log, but I think 55.7 miles with a log is pretty darn ok dokay...I will tell you that running that long with a log, switching from shoulder to shoulder gets mighty painful and the overnight was somewhat difficult as you must be aware of your surroundings while running slightly out of step to keep the log balanced on your shoulder...I feel though that another record attempt is possible if I work on strengthening my shoulders and back and I run more races with log.  Truth is the only races that matter to me in 2014 are the PEAK snowshoe 100 and PEAK 500.  Unlike last year where I signed up for too many races and went in to race them this year every race I do is only for training...and if I am tired or need to recover I don't go....I see 2014 after PEAK 500 as being a year of pacing as I will not do any 100 for time only for fun or to pace someone.

Julie and I knew from the start of Ghost rail that we would run together...I had a goal of doing 3.3 miles per hour and never under but with Julie's mathematical brilliancy and Doc's Garmin I realized we could easily do 12 minute to 15 minute miles and not conk out....so we did the first 50k in 7:30 which with log is pretty darn speedy....we were doing really well till night fell and we started on mile 45...Julie's tummy went south pretty quick and Log was starting to be excruciatingly painful to my lower back...I had run 37 miles with log at Stone Cat last year and that took me 11:30 I believe that was the longest distance to date...When Julie's tummy went south and she started to feel severe pain and nausea I was very worried...our pace went from 12 to 15 to 17 to 22 minute miles....still we would have been fine slowing our pace from 1 am to 6 am and still had manage a 100 mile finish in 30 hours...the problem was Julie threw up at mile 57 and there was blood in it...I had thought when she described what was going on with that it sounded like bleeding ulcers...we are both severely anemic..I have suffered from anemia for a long time...mine has been iron deficiency anemia which means that I don't have enough red blood cells and so I am exhausted and sometimes have a real difficult time with fainting and I have very very low blood pressure...Julie has never had an issue with anemia and when we were discussing her latest blood tests and the sever pain and nausea she has experienced which led to a real tough time eating and holding down food it sounded to me like she was bleeding internally and it sounded to me like bleeding ulcers...bottom line was she was done at 60 miles...

I was not going to go on without her and since log was causing some severe pain I dropped it with Steve at mile 55.7...the focus after that was just to pace Julie to her first 100...if Julie wasn't healthy enough to continue there was no need for me to continue as i ran totally to see how far i could go with log...without log and with little training last year I managed 25 and change hours at Ghost Rail so it was not an issue of whether or not I could finish but whether or not I wanted to...and to be honest without Julie I just didn't care enough to get a 100...

Julie is the person I most enjoy running with...I love running with Doc and KZ but with Julie it is just really different ..we both want to protect and care for one another...we are so similar in everything from our health issues to our eating issues to how we see the world and what is important to us...she is honestly more of a sister to me than my real sister...She is my sister form another mother...she has been there for me through some of the most difficult things i have done..she has supported me at Two DR's and paced me at Peak 500...Julie and her kids have been a biog part of the Stone Stairs and her children have become very dear to me and to Doc as well...I want to be the person who paces her to her first 100 finish...it means more to me than most anything...it is an equally important thing as finishing PEAK 500....

We discussed what happened after the fact and we have plans...plans to help one another finish a 100 and finish a 500...

Also during this week I have ended a friendship...one that I thought was truly important to me, but turned out to be a false friendship ...a friendship that was causing problems with Doc and I...a friendship that was one sided.....

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately...So I think of Doc and I...we are VERY different...he is shy I am outgoing...he is rational I am often irrational...he is very grounded and I float around like a milkweed puff....he is quick to anger...and I avoid conflict...he stands strong in the face of an issue and I turn tail and run away.....I can turn my emotions from sad to happy in a nanosecond...he does not.....I am not afraid to live loudly and he is more reserved.....sometimes we clash...but the bottom line is...neither of us want to CHANGE the other...we just work on trying to ACCEPT the other...the key to a relationship working I realize is that one person does not change for the other whether they feel they need to to keep that person or whether that person is forcing them to change to keep their love...EVERYONE has baggage....and just like running for a plane at the airport sometimes you need to help someone carry their baggage if they have an extra carry on......

I have had relationships in my life and to this point every man I have cared for I have a friendship or mutual respect with...I have never caused problems with a past love... its just not my thing...truth is I have met good men that I could have settled down with but timing and my emotional, physical issues got in the way....Cappy D and I had a great relationship...I loved his children and I loved his company, but I was not at a point in my life where I could deal with not exercising and running compulsively so that caused problems between two people one who lived his life on the water fishing and the other who had to have her feet on dry land.....I ran away from that relationship and broke hearts..mine and his and two little ones I adored...I am not proud of that person I was, but he has forgiven me and understands where I was and we can text and talk and laugh and genuinely enjoy our friendship...I trust him because i know he would have my back....Dan was like that as well...I knew that I could count on him to be there for me even though I did not choose him...he was still my friend always.....

I thought I had that same kind of friendship with another man...but sadly I realized this past week after four tumultuous years of trying that you can't be friends with someone who cannot tell the difference between truth and lies....who cannot look in the mirror and deal with their own problems so instead put their problems on the backs of others...its funny because if you have been reading my blog for a few years you know about my past.....you know what a tough time I went through when I lost everything that I thought was important to me and I was really really sick...I hit rock bottom...and yet I was always open and honest and giving to the person who put me there...the woman who he loved and I believe now the only woman he ever loved or will ever love...she was at one time the person I felt took everything away from me...well now this person is a confidant and someone who I really like...she is funny and strong and like me wants to work on the things in her life that she can and she does so with humor and grace....she needs to know what a strong woman I think she really is...

You see I know now that this man pitted us against one another.....
I was used to make this other woman feel bad 
"why can't you be more like Michelle?  She is easy to get along with and there are never any issues with her" 
and to me he would say 
"I don't love her I love you...she doesn't take care of me and the kids she is all about work and friends" 
then he would talk with her and they would get back together and he would say to me
"I can't be with you as you just have so many issues and can't be trusted to be there for me and the kids because of your ED.  

sigh
foolish
we 
were
foolish

I realize now and I want to tell this woman that things were easy and there were no issues with me 
because I lost myself when i was with this man...
I did everything to make him happy and my own happiness became lost in the process...
I have no idea why I did this...
but the reason he fought with you  was because you weren't going to lose yourself to him...
So he was going to make you feel like less of a woman because you had a sense of self....

I would say to her I realize now my relationship was one sided...
I was not loved 
but instead i was just used 
a glorified babysitter 
chauffeur 
cook 
and maid....

I would say to her
you
you were the strong one....
and me
I was not...

the saddest part of all of this is when woman turn on one another because a man lies...
we turn on one another....
we fall for it...
sigh
we replicate the "mean Girls" of middle school behavior
at the age of 43...
we stop believing in ourselves
even though we do amazing things
we listen to his lies
and shame on us for doing so...

but no more...
I met a man who is strong
strong in the ways that matter
I met a man who is a good man a real man with integrity and honor

And I am strong
I don't need to keep friendships that are based on lies...
I know now what it feels like to be used and shame on me for letting it happen...
so that friendship
it is not needed
and that man
no anger
just sadness
I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM
he has destroyed so many things in his life and he will probably continue to do so...
and there will be another to take my place and her place...
and she will fall for it...
and I am sad...
sad for her as well  
I am sad for a woman who doesn't see the truth when it is staring them in the face 
because they would rather be with someone for the wrong reasons 
than be alone.....

at one time in my life
that was me...
never again....

Doc accepts me 
Queen of crazy town 
and all that comes with that title...

he does not want to change me
he would never lie to me
that is why
he is a man

and you who i know will read this...
you
are 
just
a little
boy.....

hows that been working for ya?


Maya Angelou said
There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you

that story is told
and so I say 

REJOICE 

you are now

able

to 

be

free.....
.







Thursday, October 17, 2013

Once a runner....aka I think today I will lay on the couch and eat frosting : ) aka balance is good

So I was looking for some information to share with my doctor when I stumbled on my cache of "Pride in Education" date keepers....These free education date keepers have for years been sent to my school by a company hoping that our school will buy them for the students..we never do...but the secretary knows I love them so for the past 6 years she has saved them for me...I looked through them and I realize I now have 5 years of data about EVERY thing I EVER did since I am anal and write everything down...


I grabbed one of the books from my first year really doing ultra distance....August to August here are just races I ran and it does not include training runs or gym....

8/2 People Forest
8/9 Oxford Dam
8/17 Savoy
8/24 Mt Toby
8/30 Woodland
8/21 Wapack (marathon)
9/6 Wrenthem
9/7 Curleys (marathon)
9/14 Pisgah (ultra)
9/20 Beaver Brook
9/28 Vt50 (ultra)
10/5 Breakneck
10/11 Diamond Hill
10/12 Monroe Dunbar
10/19 Groton
11/1 Jack London
11/2 Busa Bushwack
11/8 Stone Cat (ultra)
11/29 Fells trail (ultra)
12/27 Fatass 50k (ultra)
1/10 Fatass 50k (ultra)
1/25 Log cabin
1/31 Cape Cod frozen fatass (ultra)
2/14 bandit Martha's Vineyard 20 miler : )
2/28 Colchester
3/28 Fells Ultra (ultra)
4/5 Great Bay bandit
4/11 Northern Nipmuck
4/19 DRB (ultra)
4/26 Muddy Moose
5/3 Seven Sisters
5/9 Morfun Wapack
5/10 Mothers day run
5/17 Soapstone
5/24 Pineland farms (ultra)
5/30 Nipmuck (run for my Time)
6/7 Nipmuck Pace Kelsey
6/13 Northfield Mountain
6/21 Greylock
6/28 Cranmore
7/12 skyline
7/18 VT 100 (ultra)
7/26 Escarpment
8/1 Peoples Forest

my later years date keepers were even more packed...it seems as if I ran a race every weekend and some back to back....wow
I ran
a lot


I sent a message to Willy the other day asking him some advice about finishing the 500...
he said he couldn't really give me training advice
as he runs...well....just because he loves to run...

I need to remember why I want to finish the 500
I truly love running
when it is me against me
but
when running is about competition
I DO NOT LIKE RUNNING....
I do not like it when people do things like the 500 as a "bucket list" item
I dislike the term "bucket list"
People who want to do the 500 without ever doing a 50 or 100k or 100 first well
its a free country
but if you sign up to run 500 miles
it must mean you LOVE running
like Willy
like Nick
that is what you do
YOU RUN
you chose that over all other activities...
I know people who want Barkley
or Peak 500 as part of a bucket list
that list  includes finishing
Boston,
climbing Denali,
Gorucks,
WTM,
DR,
Badwater,
Ultra Beast,
rim to rim
Iron man
and whatever the top 10 toughest races are that year
or whatever is written up in Outside magazine as the ultimate things to do...

PEAK 500 is not sexy
no one is there cheering for you
you are usually cold and wet and constipated for 8/10 days you run
if one of the athletes is an asshole your stuck in a smelly horse barn with them for days
you get one meal a day brought to you otherwise you are eating bars and cold cans of spaghettio's or if Willy is there... a huge bucket of buttered stale movie popcorn which is surprisingly yummy or if you are lucky enough to be friends with big Mike P you will have two huge boxes of assorted dark chocolates given to you which you will eat 2-3 pieces of said box after every loop licking the smudged chocolate from your dirty fingers..

sigh
nope it ain't sexy
you are unshowered matted hair acne face smelly bum wet footed raccoon eyed age 5 years in 5 days
UGLY

then again
Willy
Nick
and me

we aren't sexy in the traditional sense ; )

and we love this kind of thing....

you have to be willing to break yourself down with absolutely no promise of kudos and notoriety....you have to do it because
you love it...

I used to run so much because I was running away from scary things
things I did not want to face
now I am not running away from things
I am running towards things

I have decided I will run only when I want to
and only for me
not for anyone else
so
PEAK 500
I will keep going back
DR I will keep going back
not for a skull
or a buckle
or my picture in a magazine

I go back to PEAK because
it calls to me
it is my crack
it is the pinnacle of the internal battle I have raged within myself for the past 8 years....
it is
me
against
me
and I have failed
twice
I am 0/2
I want to be 1/3
and like Nick and Willy I will keep going back
PEAK
my drug of choice
it sucks in those who love me
Doc
Julie
Kevin
they know
they will be there
Jane
Big Mike
will you come Peter??? Mike and Crystal???
will you come to my intervention : )
help me to kick my habit of finishing
just
under
400 miles....
help me
kick this habit

: )












Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I say goodbye and you say hello...hello hello.....now why do you say good bye when I say hello?

When I young
I was
well
strange

There are no two ways about it
I was odd....
my parents will tell you this.....
they said I marched to the beat of my own drum
which is fine
except it was an invisible drum..
played by a giant polar bear
that no one could see
but me
sigh

I am sure it was not easy on my parents
to have such an odd child

with my facial tics
and a strange need  to punch myself in my stomach
with arms that I kept tightly crossed over my belly
I would grasp my hands
as if in communion with myself
and wallop the hell
out of my stomach
I told my mom I couldn't help it
I did it because I had itchy things in my tummy
sigh

my poor parents
dear god
what the neighbors...what my elementary school teachers.... what the pastors wife must have thought of me...
sigh

when I was a child
things were different
I was always wandering afar without my mom knowing where the hell I was
If I was not at the beach (making friends with everyone)
or bringing a family of little people home to use the bathroom (yep true story)
I was walking through towns via the railroad tracks
pretending I was a runaway...
or making a fort...
of tree branches
and rusty trash dumped
at the sandpits
I would hide
watching the teenagers drink beer, ride dirt bikes and shoot BB guns at cans...
again pretending I was a runaway...
or a polar bear
or a runaway polar bear..
sigh

I spent all day riding Tonto and Ebony the horses living on a local farm
we rode them bareback through the streets
me, Roy and his little brother Tony aka Boofies

We would ride Roy's dirt bike in the horse coral...
I remember crashing the bike along the barb wire fence and ripping through pants and then skin..
the oozing blood of no concern to me
only what my mother would do when she saw I ruined my Lees
or playing army in the big tent
dried horse poop grenades..
sigh

I am lucky I was not abducted
but not lucky enough to avoid being hurt
adults could do or say things then that would never be tolerated today...
as children in the 70's
it was our job to be...
not seen
not heard
not a burden
and that was me...
I was pretty much left free
to live in my strange little make believe world
right in the middle of the real one...
like a bubble
blown inside a bubble
blown inside a bubble...
till it stretches
and hardens
and you can hold it in your hand
a world inside a world inside a world
all inside my dirty pine pitched ten year old hand...
sigh


My fathers hair is all gray
my mother's colored a pale brownish gold...
her wrinkles
are many
her wrinkles
will be mine
her hands with long fingers bent and curled from athritis
I hold her hand in mine...
they are one in the same
sigh

When I was a child I was a strange reckless little thing
yet
my parents never hovered
my parents did not helicopter
my parents
acted like
parents of the 70's
and
I
felt
wrapped
in
a blanket
of comfort and contentment
and I was never afraid
sigh

Doc
you lost your mom today
your childhood
can only be shared through your perspective....your memories
as the two people who would be able to tell me what you were like
as a little boy
who could help me understand
why you became the man you are..
are gone...
sigh

You lost your mother today...
you went to board the plane to go see her
and your phone rang..
and within a few seconds
you knew
she
was
gone..
you texted me

I cried at my desk during my grade 7 section 5 class...
I asked them quietly
please shut down the computers..
please go to the other room and put the chairs up
sigh

I wept for you
but also a little for me
I would never get to meet your mom
sit next to her
hold her hand
and tell her this..

I am far from perfect
When I met Bob I thought 
"there is no way he would be interested in me"
I am too silly
I have a lazy mind 
my body can't stop moving
so I let the one thing that can rest..
rest
so 
when Bob asks me
"Hey what are you thinking?"
and I answer
"nothing"
I am telling the truth.


I live my life loudly
I live it like a 6 year old
who has dressed herself for school
I take my favorite things and wear them all at once 
not realizing that they do not match

You see I started out having the best of my mother and the best of my father
and then
somewhere 
along 
the way...
this perfect combination of things
this balance of two perfect people
well
it broke.....
I broke

Up until I met your son
I had learned to live with these sharp edges 
and the blood that would spill
well
I would just look away

To be honest
there were times..
I looked on these cracks
and thought
"if I continue to feel this way
and 
if I do this long enough
I will just shatter"
I found solace in that thought

That was until I met your son

There are words that people bandy about
honor
integrity
humility

The truth is
I don't think I had ever met a man who 
embodies those words
honor 
integrity
humility 
as does your son

I have faith in him
so much so
that when I have no faith in me
his faith is enough for us both

The cracks are still there
its just Bob sees them
as prisms
your son
sees me as swirls of light
and not cracked at all

I am a patchwork of good intentions
honesty 
and kindness
I am that old worn quilt
and to your son it is worth far far more than the new perfectly stitched duvet..

Would you have seen my cracks?
or would you see my prism?
I think..
it would not have mattered
because you would have seen me look at Bob
and then you would have known...

I was sad last night that I could not come to CA to meet you
I texted my mum...
she wrote
"Oh Mishy she would have loved you the moment she set eyes on you"

When I asked Bob as we were planning a visit to see you
"Will she like me do you think...
you know I am kinda strange and silly?"

He replied
"she will like you very much...
just promise me....
"promise you what? I asked
"promise me you will just be exactly as you are..."

...no one has ever said those words to me

promise me you will just be exactly as you are

Thank you Mrs. Kenefick
Thank you for Bob
He makes me happy
I wish I could have said hello
instead of goodbye...












Thursday, October 3, 2013

skittles aka happy happy joy joy

I am sitting in the office typing
it is what I would describe as a hauntingly beautiful night....
I am here
drinking a glass of wine
and I am happy with what I have
I am happy....

I am...
after a very long journey
finding my way
home

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

There are still many things in my life that are left unanswered...
things I am concerned about
my health is one

but

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

I have not had a major BDD breakdown in over two months
I eat
I look in the mirror
and
I say to myself
It is so nice to see you smile

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

Every day I arrive at school and I think
today I will make my students smile
I will show them how special they are
I am no longer shrouded in darkness
barely able to keep myself afloat
I am light inside
I let it shine
it makes my students smile
joy is contagious

I am no longer afraid 
I am no longer angry

I sign up for races
sometimes I go
sometimes I don't
I finish some
I don't others
I find joy in the journey
and focus less on the finish

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

I will always be the Queen of Crazy Town
I will always be Never Not Broken
I will always be off kilter
I will always be searching for my bliss

yet
I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

I have to live with my past mistakes
I can't have children
I have loved children
A,S,V,A and K 
like they were my own
but my craziness
my fear
my self loathing
made me literally run away
from these little people I loved so much
I will never have the chance to snuggle
a little one again
to hold their hand in mine
and there is no one to blame
but me.....

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry

even though I have many failures
I believe I deserve happiness

I I now know what makes me truly happy...

it is to make people happy

I want to make people laugh
I want to live out loud...
but not be the kind of person
who loudly demands others attention....
I want to be remembered as being someone
who
leaves a trail of joy....
like Willy's skittles on The Peak 500 course
a rainbow of sweetness to follow
on the way to your personal bliss....

I am no longer afraid
I am no longer angry