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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

finally...

finally...
after a very long time
i wake up
happy
: )
what is different?
why now?
why the struggles for so long
with no end in sight
and then
I just realize one day
wow
I am happy
things are good
I am thankful
I am lucky
I feel blessed
and
I am not waiting
waiting
for
the
other
shoe
to drop

nope
I am barefoot
: )

dreamed of downsizing
we only need a small space
to
be
comfy

I don't like spending a lot of money
on
a
roof
I don't even know the Joneses
let alone
bother
chasing after them...

before I met Doc
I lived in a tree fort
no real kitchen no insulation scanty hot water
it
was
good

no tv
no internet
just a gorgeous view
wine
books
and nightly talks with Kev

it was nice
but
I was not happy
I was broken

now
we found our place
our space
our place in this space

we were not looking
really
but
when you find your bliss
grab it!

so we have 30 days to sell our house
: )

It is a bit crazy
good kind of crazy

it is a cottage on a lake
it
makes
me
happy
it is far cheaper than our house now
smaller
sweeter
magical
it makes me happy

I am healthy
: )
no ED
no BDD
the c is quiet
it may just be dormant
hibernating
but
I am still
happy
I am training
running
I feel
strong
I feel
a sense
of the old me
when I won things..
I don't really give a care about winning
but I do care about FEELING capable of winning
no anxiety
no stress
just
floating
laying on my back
blue ocean
salt
buoyant
I
am
floating....

I don't know how to swim
and
I
don't
care...

lift me up
caress my back
I will close my eyes
carry
me
carry me
away...




Wednesday, January 8, 2014

hypocrisy aka wow that elephant is HUGE

Changes would never come about without people who stood their ground
and said..
Hey what gives with that elephant in the middle of the room?
I can't believe people are naive enough to believe that inequality between humans does not exist...
so they must be
short sighted
or
far sighted
or
color blind
the rug in the room is grey...just like the big elephant...

so if they have trouble seeing this elephant
someone needs to point it out for them
kind of like those visual illusions...
where most people see two vases
but a few see a face....
once it is pointed out
all the vase people
see the face..
they just needed to be shown that there is more than one way to look at something...

People say politicians are elitist, greedy and feel that they are "above the law"
Paul Tsongas was none of these things....
is he the exception to the rule?
or are there others?
people who take their commitment to serve seriously...
who consider it an honor
to serve their fellow humans
they want to change things
so that their children can grow up
 in a
safer,
kinder
world

but not all humans feel this way...
in most instances
they start off feeling this way
they really want to...
but then
well
they change
power can be intoxicating
it can bring a sense of euphoria
that nothing can touch you
that you are above the law
it can bring
prestige
that is not necessarily earned
but bought and paid for
and its done for the
perks

the
power

it can give a person a sense of entitlement
a sense that they know best
and if you disagree
they know and understand
fear
how to use it
and can use it
along with
lying and stealing
they can then
degrade
dominate
bring about
death
genocide
and
destruction
Hitler
     17 million deaths
          Stalin 23 million
               Pol Pot 25% of his people...genocide
                    Idi Amin 500,000 deaths
                          Mao Zedong 49 to 79 million deaths


                                                                             Power

power
over
others

what lies do they tell themselves to explain their beliefs...
when they went to bed
did they feel a fleeting moment of
doubt?
regret?
fear?

What do you tell yourself to make you believe
you
are
more
important
than
another?

How do you justify it?
Does the rhetoric ever make
you
sick?

when I get angry
my stomach turns...
I have to stop
and
breathe
and remind myself
it is not worth it...
let it go...
the anger
let
it
go...

but
pick battles...
yes pick battles and
fight
fight when it is important
when you are fighting for someone who can't
when you are fighting for someones freedom...equality
fight
when you see hypocrisy..
fight
especially then...
speak up...
call it out
name it

say

WHO THE HECK BROUGHT THAT ELEPHANT INTO THE ROOM IT JUST POOPED ON THE CARPET

because if no one speaks up...
hypocrisy will have a forever home
like a mutt
that nips
if you ignore the nips
it may become a dog
that bites....










Thursday, January 2, 2014

"Out there"

This will be one of those longer ranting type posts that will probably be all over the place in terms of my thoughts...
soooo
nothing new

Things that I feel the need to call people out on ( some are my own behaviors some are not)

1) Is it is starting to bug me when people I care about or respect go on FB and act snarky towards the large percentage of the population who have no idea what GORUCK, TM or DR is...who think the idea of running an ultra is absolutely insane and beyond their grasp ...who join Planet Fitness to get in shape...who think crossfit is something they sell at Michaels..or who eat a donut after running  30 minute 5k...
who
gives
a flying
fadoodie?!

Those people are getting off their bums and doing something..why would you even waste a breath to call them out in a negative way? I am actually seeing human beings speaking of their fellow man in the most degrading terms because they belong to Planet Fitness over Golds?!? Are you serious? You actually think that matters?  That you are somehow BETTER than the others because of your gym membership? Because you belong to an OCR community because you have run a specific race or a specific distance?

Want to know why children bully?
because we adults bully one another ALL THE TIME!!!
Through FB and other social media...
through making fun of or laughing at people who are not as tough/in shape/healthy as we are...
by being jerks...why should children listen to adults when we only talk the talk...but fail miserably to walk the walk (and yes I have bullied someone once and apologized up and down for it..no excuse I did it and I can NEVER truly take it back I can only try to be a better person from that point on).

2) This entire idea of being "out there" meaning you are walking some sort of fine line between between life and death when you do a race...
is stupid

To believe that human beings who run a specific race have some exceptional experience that we mere mortals who have not run this race have NEVER had?
is stupid
and I am specifically speaking of Barkley
that on the list people actually said you can only know what it is like to be "out there" if you do Barkley....

seriously.....

I always wanted to do Barkley because the people seemed really fun and I wanted to hear the stories of what it was like before it became "big", I also  like to camp and well I like to run new trails....and I like to challenge myself...

but
to tell me I don't truly understand what it means to be "out there" because I have not done that specific race is just
plain
stupid
and
elitest
and it is just as bad as complaining about DR because it labeled itself as the "world's toughest race"...
yep
I think that is stupid as well

but who cares..

THEY ARE RACES PEOPLE
They are fun and the people you meet will make you happy and you will probably make friends for life doing races
and yes they will change you
But
YOU ARE NOT FINDING THE CURE FOR CANCER
OR RISKING YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR FELLOW MAN
you
are
doing
a
race....

sigh

The fact that people actually claim running a race puts you on a tightrope where at any moment you can fall to your death???? ummmm lets see...people who have put themselves "out there" include anyone fighting for our country, anyone battling a disease, anyone in jail for standing up for what they believe, anyone killed trying to help their fellow man...
people who have been "out there"
Mandela
Gandhi
Dian Fossey
Daniel Pearl
Ryan White
Martin Luther King

plug in "died trying to save others" on google
and see what you get..
sorry it will not include DR, GORUCK, TM, Barkley or any other ultra race....

You have no idea what it means to be "out there" unless your being...your self or your way of life or a loved ones life was in jeopardy

just because you run a long race on an unmarked course does not make you a better human being than the unemployed alcoholic man who loved donuts and never belong to a gym and died trying to save someone from a burning house...at that moment he knew what it was like to be "out there"

Now don't get me wrong..
A race can change you
Barkley can change you...
DR can change you....
and motivate you
and when you cross the finish line you may decide to be a better person
a better father
mother
sister
brother
friend
lover
partner,
whatever..
but a race?
no mater how difficult it may be...
is a CONTRIVED experience
made by another
whether it Barkely, DR, or Hardrock...
what ever race you do...
It is just a false sense of being "out there"
and in no way shape or form should EVER
be used to put a select few in a group that all others are kept out of...
whereas they are told
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO REALLY BE OUT THERE UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE....SUCH AND SUCH...

shame on us if that is what we truly believe!


NOW
let me make it clear
running is my bliss
and DR's helped me through some really tough times... DR like Barkley is about pushing yourself past the pain and fear and into a place you rarely get to see....
but
every day
millions of people go to that same place due to illness, or addiction, or mental or physical disorders...
do you think if you run Barkley or get a skull in DR you have been to a place that a paraplegic has found him or herself?
Or a soldier on the front line?
Or a mother saying goodbye to her 8 year old child because the doctors have done all that they can?

If so
I say....
shame on you..
shame on our society...
that we place the beautiful athletic people
in the same category as our true heroes...

I am proud of myself when I accomplish a difficult task...
but the real truth is
if I die doing a DR
it is about the same as someone choking to death on a ham sandwich...
people will say
gosh
what a shame...
not
wow
she made such a difference doing this race...

I make a difference being a teacher
I race for the selfish part of me
and for the part that likes fun and awesome people
and even sometimes I race to run away from pain
or to ignore other things that are far more scarier
than swimming in a river...

I pray that those of us who are "out there" right now
that they feel loved and supported
I pray that those of us who are "out there" right now
have faith and hope and can believe in something that will bring them a sense of peace...

I pray that we get our heads out of our tushes and realize
WE
are our children's future
make a circle
and invite
them
in...