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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Rapunzel aka its better to condition your heart my dear aka tangle free

My hair has always been my one vice..
it is or was the thing that I thought made me feminine...
when it started to thin and fall out the last time
I was horrified...
I told friends extensions were fun
and acted like they were not important to me
but
that was not true...
they were in fact
my armor
they made me feel like a woman
at a time
when just being a woman was making me sick..
but my hair
always blond
and in signature piggies or braids..
my hair defined my femininity...
so extensions did the trick
it allowed me to keep up the charade
that all was good...
I was pretty and happy
how can someone with such beautiful hair
who wears pink hot pants
be tired
scared
sick...
I was bouncy blond and bullet proof

but
they cost so much
they take so much
time and effort
they are
just
plain
silly

they defined me
all right
they defined me
as
vain..
my vanity
for all the world to see
in  golden braids....

so
it is time
to again
deal with my hair
but this time
I have decided
to show my femininity
through my greatest asset
my smile...

I am going to the barber
I will sit in his chair
I will smile and say
shave it all off...

when he is done
I will get up
brush myself off
walk out the door
no different then when I walked in
except
maybe
a little lighter...



Tuesday, April 15, 2014

less than two months aka friendship

Time on feet
that is first...

second
disconnect from pain
get your head on straight..

No ultra or AR event or DR will ever get you ready for the 500...
the only thing that gets you ready
is doing it
failing
learning
and heading back for more..

or if you are Willy
suffering
succeeding
and finding
it has grabbed hold of you...
and HAVING to come back for more

Nick and I
we feel the same
as Willy

few people 
get me...
Nick and Willy
they do.

We have been through something together
that has us
forever
entangled
in one another's 
lives
I am so very thankful
for this...

If I could have one wish
only one
I would hope for Nick to finish..
even if I don't
why?

I finally realized
what I love about competition
about pushing myself to my limit
it is the people...
the people you meet on the journey..

the people you connect with
on a level 
that only people who 
have been 
"in it" 
get it..

Your "in it"
may be beating cancer
it
may be having a baby
it 
may be finally letting go
it
may be losing weight
it
may be finding love
it
may be giving up everything
to find
the one
thing
that
really 
matters...

whatever it is...
your 
"in it"
there will be those people
who were there
experiencing it...
the connection
honor it
it is the real gift...






Sunday, April 6, 2014

Shutting up and stepping outside the black line

Finn makes me happy
she and I
we communicate though our bodies..
we run side by side with the occasional check in
eyes down to her...eyes up to mine...
She sits on my lap when I drive
she actually puts her rather large paws on my steering wheel
she turns her head to me
as if to say
I have got this mum
She chews on my ankles while I
drink wine
read
when
I do nothing
but look
out
at the water...
and well
I love her for this....

We never
Talk
and this
Makes
Me
Happy

Doc says I am on this quest....
It relates to
fairness..
It relates to
balance of power...
I
am
all
about
the
little
guy..
I am about the ones that fall through the cracks...
The ones on the edge
looking in
a circle
that has drawn
them
out....

Maybe it is because I am a middle school teacher,
I see and connect with children
that
don't
fit
in..
They don't fit in with most of their peers
even sadly their teachers...

they are ignored
or disliked
they are suspect
because they march to the beat of their own drum..
and some
to their own tuba...
when you are different
really different
people
get
nervous..
don't rock the boat
don't move to far to the left
or the right
don't turn upside down and look at things from that direction...
don't
question...
it is power
it is beauty
it is not necessarily brains..
but it is smarts
being smart enough
to know
you
don't
question
it has always been this way..
just take your square little peg and
by damn
shove it into this circle
and if it hurts
don't show it
just keep your mouth shut
smile
and
fake it...

It's fake
and to fit in
it requires you to be someone
You
Are
Not
and we'll
I suck at that....
it makes me angry
and so I lash out
don't tell me that I need
to
fit in
that I need to drink
the kool aid
BS
I hate artificial drinks

I want real interaction
Or
Like I used to be
No interaction

Caught up in so much
that does not matter
so much artificial sugary tooth rotting crap
I am so damn thirsty
I just want a glass of water
please

I am losing touch with what matters
Being
Quiet
Shutting my big mouth...
hearing myself
Breathe......
I have nothing to say that makes any damn difference
So my voice
Just adds
To the noise

Sigh

I feel like me
when I am with Doc, Finn and May
when I teach
run trails
climb mountains
do Bikram
hit the gym
hang with Jules and the fam
the Tuggers
run trail races and ultras
read A LOT

I like
MOTION
or absolute
STILLNESS
I am a river
in winter
frozen surface
look closely
torrent inches under..
that is me
and I am sick of apologizing for it
I take nothing from you
therefore I owe
nothing to you
most certainly not
my soul
it is all that really matters
the rest?
well
the rest
just rots...

There is beauty in
wrapping your arms around
the nothing
life is not real
nothing matters
but suffering
because
YOU
make your own suffering
you
embrace it..
let it in..
hold it close
close your eyes
while it
devours you..

instead
I choose
to stand tall

I say
STAND TALL
close your eyes
let it beat at you
scream in your ear
rip at your flesh
close your eyes
breathe
what is the worst it can do
kill you?

It is all a lie
an illusion
once you accept this
as truth
you
find that
you
just
don't care
and
it is at this point
you can
commit your life...
to what really matters
commit yourself
to others
to those who do not have the strength
to stand tall...
you stand in front of them
you take the brunt of the beating
what IS real
is giving yourself
to another
knowing
you
do
so
not
for
recognition

STOP!
please
just
stop
letting us all know
just how
good a human
you are...
you
who
stands on the MOUNTAIN
and screams
 for all to hear...

I
AM
SELFLESS
LOVE 

ME


I realize
I cannot
force others
to see what I see
I have
no control over you....
that was my problem
why I have come to this point
why I need to shut up and step back outside...
I can't change anyone
I can only choose
to
live
by
my code
my ACTIONS
not
my WORDS

so
I will
simplify....
focus only on
what I have control over
me
and in a way
my students
every
single
one
I can show them
through my own actions
it is not the  accolades
of others that defines you...

spend more time
looking in the mirror
than looking out the window
or
looking at the tiny screen
waiting for
a sound
that you have come to crave
much
like Pavlov's dog
to salivate
when you hear
ping...
oh 
I am loved.....