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Saturday, May 10, 2014

a day with Finny aka two steps forward one step back

alarms
I dislike them
3 am
yep
hate em
up
run my hand through my hair
brush my teeth
splash warm water on my face
did you know it is best  not to use any face cleanser  in the morning? 
just water
I didn't know
now
I do
just a bit of warm water...face serum and go
Finny is whining in her crate and May May is coiling herself around my legs while I pee..
feed us
give May May her shot
slip on my dirty pair of old Hokas
Finny and I are off..
driving to NH
we stopped in Groton when I realized I left my headlamp at home
I know the rail trail...12 miles out and back...almost marathon distance from Ayer to NH and back
I didn't need a headlamp
we just ran straight into the dark...
5 miles out and 5  miles back by then its light
I change into shorts
and
drop my jacket
plan to run 7 miles out and 7 miles back....
its starts to rain
a man on a bike rides by
otherwise its just Finny and I
it smells delicious
I can't breathe deep enough...
I want to fill all that is empty
4 miles out Finn is tired
I can tell
so we turn back..
18 miles
she needs a break
I feed her snacks
she falls asleep on her blue blanket
I drive to Hollis
to Beaver Brook
one of my magic places
I run a loop of the pond
while she naps..
I return she is awake smiling
at least I see it as a smile
lets run mummy
I put on my lighter weighted vest
we run
we hit the hills
the trails that are difficult
I run
feel strong
she is happy
she makes me happy
around 6 more miles..
almost a marathon now
we drive to Evans
she naps
I buy my Hokas for McNaughton
I have two pairs now
for 500 miles
I am happy..
I buy a caramel
I eat it slowly
Finny licks my mouth
I drive home
we go to Upton State Forest
heavy weighted vests
Finny is slower but still runs ahead and then hides bursts out of the leaves when called
another 5 miles
she is my wonder dog
or is she my underdog....
I am happy
KZ sends me Kerouac from a used book store
I sit outside
storm coming
wine
book
yoga magazine
Finn eats grass
it was a long day for her
Bob prepares for a presentation
lecture
talk
it is for a conference he has had to put together
he will be in Florida
while I try to finish my race
he will rush back the last night straight from the airport
it may be my last chance
there will be no excuses
there can't be the moment I doubt my courage
it cannot happen
no
close my eyes
taste what Willy calls the beautiful pain on my lips
relentless
smile when it hurts
laugh when I feel like I am dead 

some say death is easy compared to living
I think those who believe that have yet to face death...
I think quitting is easy
it takes just a moment to make that switch
but
regret is a wound
that never heals...

I am a hypocrite
I try not to be
I strive to be my real self and not a self I create to please those of you reading this
but
I am not quite sure who I am
you see me
in a way
wholly different
than
I
see
myself
like a hearing my voice on video
I ask
who the hell is that?
how can I hear my voice so differently?
it sounds nicer when I hear it filtered through my thoughts
so very harsh when it is played back
virtual Mish
not real time
as is the virtual self
the social self
the self we portray to please others..
I have always been at odds with this
the need to have two selves
I want my authentic self
the hell with the one you like better
you will never be in my shoes
you will never be able to be ME
when it hurts
or I am sad, afraid, lost
YOU
can't help me
so why in hell
would I be
what
YOU
want me to be?
still
hypocrite I am
as Yoda would say
because
I posted on FB
then got mad
when people ignored it
while people loved poop or nose picking posts
I posted snippets of my students videos...
I don't put any crap on FB about me really
No one knows when I run where I run or why I run
why should they give a care
but education
our children
they should CARE!
why?
because I am constantly telling my students one way to live their life
and they are suspect
because
many of my peers are bullies and asses
no wonder 12-14 year olds think we are full of it..
we are the worst offenders...
we control the media
that shapes and influences them
we should be held responsible for every horrendous thing they do
we taught them
through our actions
or lack thereof


I want to be a do as I doer
not a do as I sayer
so I went on FB to post my kids amazing videos
and I got angry
that no one was excited as I was about he videos
so I ranted..
and my FB running friend C bu it perfectly
when he responded to my rant
"I thought you were off FB?"
that response meant the same thing as
shut up u hypocritical ass
and he is right
and that
is where I am wrong
I am a hypocrite...
I am being a do as I doer but
through bullying and jeering those of you that don't want to be...

it is a hard path to be true to your authentic self..
it is the early morning just woken up with a head cold self
not the just had a facial and my hair done self...
sigh

It ain't easy being green








Monday, May 5, 2014

Monday musings....aka odds are no one gives a crap about me either so its all good...

Next weekend is the Wapack and Back ultra
I could care less that it is a "race"
I will run it as a sweep and pick up trash
I am just looking forward to being on those trails...

I lost something...
I am not sure where it went...
or why I just don't care anymore
but it is gone...
the need to prove stuff
the idea of a legacy...
it
 just
  doesn't
   matter
    to
      me

If someone wants my advice
I will give it
for free..

If someone thinks I have anything to offer up
they can ask
I will answer
and they can
take it
or
leave it

I no longer care what you think of me..
I used to
now
the hell with it..

I have wasted so much time
emotional energy...
heart
body
soul
giving a ....

caring what others think of me...
guess what...
look around you
what do you see?
odds are
glass...
a
 whole
  lotta  
    glass
best to keep your rocks hidden in your pocket

This is not me being negative...
interact with me in person
in REAL TIME
and I am all heart
be open
honest
have grace
have balls
have dignity
speak the truth
don't grovel
don't lie
don't cheat
don't be a fake
don't be a braggart

and we will get along just fine...

problem is
social media
is not a way I wish to know you...
or
have you know me

There is no real feeling on social media sites
it is only through interactions with people
face to face
we find real comfort

my true friends
I can count them on two hands...

I have acquaintances through endurance racing and FB who I really like..
and I imagine
they have their friends
that they can count on two hands...
and I am  98% of the time
not one of their fingers...

they like me when I am funny and silly and lighthearted
all of those things I am
I love kids, Legos, Star Trek, candy, and robots
but
I have another side
and this one is tired
tired of the BS
tired of the crap that
comes through the FB feed...
the amount of sweet cute posts are overshadowed by the vast majority of self congratulating posts
and the truth is
I don't give a crap how great YOU think you are
finishing a race and or doing a workout has nothing to do with who you are...
I can decide what I think of YOU all on my own thank you very much...
and it will have nothing to do with your max reps or PR

It is nothing personal
I hope when you RAN that race
or did that workout
while it happened you had fun
that you smiled
that your heart was filled with joy..
I just don't need to hear your excuse for not doing well or your false modesty when you do well...
I don't give a.....

Social media is making gods out of asses and goddesses out of hollow souled beauties...
I love many people who use social media to market themselves as athletes or trainers..
I love some of these people
but
they know how I feel about marketing the soul...
making a commodity of ultra running
it ain't my thing...
they are free to make money and fame from it
but
I am free to not like it
to remove myself from it..
I am finding that fewer and fewer people at races feel like I do...
maybe its time to go back to fast packing...



























Friday, May 2, 2014

carp or crap whatever

Just finished writing to my very first pen pal...R...
its funny cause I have been  following him for so long
at first because I, like him (or is it he?  awww who really cares)
have or has a special way of writing what we are musing on..
he and I or him and me...well we have vastly different styles...
he is far more literate and well more booked learned than me..
or at least he remembers what he has read
where most of the stuff i thought was gonna stay put
slips out of my noggin when I am sitting on the couch eating rice cakes  ...
I write with my heart
and he seems to write from his heart but by way of his head...
my head?
well is never where it should be to actually filter anything I write...
hence run-on blog posts with not much valuable content...

I like this man...
I respect him
not as a mentor exactly..
I consider Nipmuck Dave and  Bob Crowley running mentors
and
although they may be shocked to hear it.. Andy and Joe as mentors for fighting the good fight
but
R
not as a mentor
he is something else...
like someone I am supposed to meet
like
KZ, Julie, Doc, Margaret, Matt, Nick and Willy
I am lucky to meet other amazing people whom I adore and cherish their friendships
but
it was just a happy accident they are in my life
it wasn't meant
to
be...

so I have a pen pal
and its good.

Social media
I don't miss it
after the initial shock..
of going off FB
much like looking at my hair
while it was being attacked with
scissors and shears the other day
I felt
lighter
when
it was gone...

naked
but not afraid
stripped of any sort of daily affirmations
I don't spend any time living in the past or the future...
just in the now...
once it is over...
time to move on..
no one is there to prove
anything to...
its is pretty stinkin liberating..

I am present
in the moment
in the now
it keeps me honest..
it keeps me grounded
it keeps me out of trouble : )

Peak's coming up
I am not sure how I feel about it...
I want people I love to get lots of attention from PEAK
I want Andy and Joe to get recognition for this race
get more people here to try it
for Nick and Willy
to get the kudos they deserve..
but
that means
what I like about PEAK
will be lost
I liked running/hiking the trails for 10 days
pretty
much
alone
wrapped
in my own thoughts..
Julie said i would
probably go crazy
if I saw the PEAK FB page
and the
numerous
comments about gear, and training and
well
crap

I bought a new pair of Hokas
Margaret has an old pair she wore for I believe the Tough Mudder World series thingy ma bob
so I will show up
with
2 pairs of sneaks
old socks
trash bags
two pairs of long pants
5 pairs of shorts
5 shirts
5 tank tops
one handheld and one small hydration pack
poles
coconut water
bars (whatever was 10/10 at Stop and Shop)
water
Tang
rice cakes, pretzels and chips
ginger chews
I am hoping that someone brings me 2 giant boxes of chocolate
and
that is
it
oh wait
a toothbrush and tooth paste, wet wipes/hemorrhoid wipes
and a smile...
the smile is for Matt, Willy and Nick...

if Tupac was smart
he would stay
dead
and just enjoy the quiet....