log

How I LOVE to list

2012-01-30T14:09:00.000-05:00

I like to keep lists of things..
things I need to get done
things I need to buy
things I want to buy
things I need to clean
things I need to fix
I have a calendar just for all the races I am running (circled in blue clouds) but I also write in the races I plan on running..I check them off with a "paid" when I commit to them...

I use the FIT day website to list all the foods I have eaten each day as well as the foods I plan to eat that day
I document my workouts in a binder I carry around with me at the gym and then I take all those handwritten details and add them into my daily mile online and sometimes I even add them into the FIT day just so I can see how much of the day's food intake I have burned

Every month I list bills including rent, cell phone, car payment, insurance, my REI credit card and my school loan for my doctorate

I have kept a diary from the age of twelve chronicling each year up until about two years ago when I just started to use my blog as my diary. I have every one of those diaries in a box in the back of the closet in my tree fort....some day when I am snowed in maybe I will crawl back there and open one up and try to see where I was at 4, 5, 10 years ago in my thinking...If I ever keel over I pray that the box is thrown away before my mum gets a hold of it : )

When I first met Roy and he moved from Massachusetts to his farm in Ohio I would write 20 page letters to him sharing everything I did each day. I would sit in my bed at the end of the day with a glass of wine and some thin lined writing paper and just "talk" to Roy through the page...now I just call Roy (but he brings up to me that no one has written letters to him like I did and he saved everyone of them).

I am a also a voracious reader... I have boxes and boxes of books in the eaves of my sisters garage attic...I have stored them there since I sold my last house back in 2003 and started living a nomadic renter lifestyle.
I am probably one of only three people who keep Annie's book stop in Marlboro in business. Instead of television (don't have one) I read each night to wind down and relax... I go through 2-3 books a week easy. If you have not stepped into an Annie's I suggest you do....it is a great business model and they will buy back books and give you a credit for new books. I keep some of the ones that I know I will reread or share with a friend or if I find a first edition otherwise I sell them back and buy more.

I live a pretty simple lifestyle and I have said that if my tree fort catches fire and I lost everything I would only be sad about the pictures I lost of my mum when she first came to America....she was and still is so beautiful. So it is not things that fill me but actions. Some of the actions that make up my day to day existence are due to a obsessive compulsive disorder (listing things and cleaning) and other things I do help to relieve anxiety (getting a facial, going for a walk, hot yoga) while still other activities are my passions (trail running, collecting books and losing myself in their words, listening to music while driving my car to no particular destination.....slowly, fast packing new and off the beaten path trails, strength training, antiquing, refinishing furniture, gardening, or just daydreaming)

The thing is I have come to a point in my life where I have accepted who I am and what has brought me to this place (I have an anxiety disorder and I am pretty sure it is due to a three year period of abuse at the hands of a neighbor starting at age nine) It is surprising the number of children who have experienced some form of emotional, physical or sexual abuse..sadly I am just one person in a sea of who knows how many who have to live with this...I think in some ways I am lucky as I believe this abuse made me a stronger individual and probably directly resulted in my choice to work with children first as a social worker for sexually and physically abused children and then as a teacher. My abuse will never be chronicled in a tell all book or a made for TV movie...I will never be on Anderson Cooper sharing how my abuse brought me to the point in my life where I created a not for profit, or became a doctor and worked diligently for a cure for cancer....it simply made me want to work with children and it made me for some reason a very tolerant person. It also resulted in my need to list things, clean things a bit obsessively, run away from confrontation, experience bouts of disordered eating and exercise induced bulimia, shy away from getting close to men, and at times experiencing a quiet depression that causes me to eat an entire container of frosting and call KZ and cry.....but I am happy to say I am no longer scarfing frosting....I do not exercise to a point of hurting my body..I have put 7 lbs of muscle on my body and I am learning to trust and open my heart up to others...I am sure footedly moving towards a pretty nice state of bliss

I had some amazing conversations this weekend with my 'luvs" and I realized how lucky I am to have people who except me for who I am and who want to see me be the best me I can be. I have two camps now as to whether or not I should "talk" with someone about the abuse..I tried once to talk with an "expert" and she was NOT helpful in fact she made it far worse...but I have felt a great deal of shame and sadness that has built up inside of me and I agree with my friends....I do need to get it of my chest....so I decided to just share it here. I want to share the process of trying to deal with what is now out there and in the open with people who know me in person and just through this blog..and who knows..maybe someone who has had a similar experience will reach out to me and they will have some advice for me now that I am starting on this path...I think I had to deal with the health issues first before I could deal with the emotional issues...and so it begins...I want to find a way for that little girl to rid herself of the shame she has carried...I want her to be free of it...I want her to feel at ease and comforted...I help children every day find their voice..to learn and grow and be the best they can be...the least I can do is give the "little girl" inside of me the same chance...

I am NOT going to be intimidated

2012-01-29T10:30:00.000-05:00

into stopping my blog by a single person with an agenda that turns out to have NOTHING to do with me! So instead I am going to turn the tables on the individual who has threatened me and out her on my blog and then Monday I will go to my principal myself and show him my blog.

So many of you who read my blog know of Trooper Dave. He has become good friends with KZ and Julie. Roy knows Dave and thinks he is a nice guy as well (Roy, Dave and I enjoyed a (unhealthy) BBQ dinner this summer when Roy was staying with me (Roy's treat) and Roy only had the nicest things to say about Dave. I am happy to call Dave my friend.

We met over a year ago when Dave was at least 30 lbs overweight....yep 30 lbs!! When I met him he did not look very healthy. I think it was a combination of unhealthy eating, lack of exercise and his work schedule. Dave works the overnight shift 4 days on and 2 days off. He gets off at 7 am and is home by 8:30am to do whatever he needs to do and then sleeps until 2 when he wakes up to pick his sons up at school every day and then spends some time with them and drops them off to their mom around 5 pm. He has from 5 - 9 free and then is off to work at 9:30pm.

When I met Dave he had run a few races and decided to train for a trail race called Seven Sisters a really tough race held in western MA. Dave was really interested in overhauling his diet and exercise regime since he had never worked out with weights before and basically had no idea about healthy food choices. I told him I thought I could help as I have always been interested in becoming a PT as a second career. I took Dave shopping and showed him what foods to buy and to eat smaller portions but at more frequent intervals. I wrote up a meal plan for him and started to have him meet me at the local Gold's gym to work out at least 2x a week. He had never used weights before so it was a slow process at first to show him proper form and to figure out how to rev up his sluggish metabolism. The thing about Dave and this is what makes me want to get my PT certification is his desire and drive and the unwavering focus to tackle something new. Dave is very careful to think things through before acting whether it be words or actions and that is what I imagine makes him a good friend to have.

Dave ran Seven Sisters, got lost, and beat himself up but he finished it! He really found his own personal connection to running. I invited him to pace me at a few local ultras and by the summer Dave had run his first trail marathon and soon after his first ultra distance event. He is now an honorary Tugger : )
Now we all have our baggage and Dave is no different. He has a past...he has a older son and two young children. Dave's past is none of my concern and it does not play a role in our friendship and is honestly none of my business. I have my own concerns to deal with and truthfully the time Dave and I spend together is either running, strength training or grabbing a beer and some wings. We do not spend hours discussing our personal lives but instead just enjoy getting out for adventures and having a laugh.

When Dave and I hit a dive bar we each pay for our own stuff. Since KZ, my lifelong pacer, has moved to New Mexico Dave has stepped in to pace me for my last two 100 mile races.

KZ my "forever" pacer

He enjoys running, the action of the race and the people he meets...it works perfectly as Dave drives my car but I pay for the gas, lodging, and usually buy him breakfast and coffee for his driving and pacing duties....he does not pay anything as he is helping me out...everyone knows a racer needs to take care of their support crew and pacers and it is NOT the other way around.

So this is what I guess has happened and resulted in her coming after me...his ex for whatever reason felt the need to "snoop" online and try to find out who I was. It all started back when Dave had invited me to Thanksgiving (as did Roy who I was stubbornly arguing with at the time) Julie, KZ, and others because they did not want me to spend it alone). I went to Jen and Ed's and that is another story in itself, but I guess when Dave invited me he mentioned to his ex I may be going. I did not know at the time but her response was to ask all these questions about me ...hello???? He just invited me to Thanksgiving.
I have learned from Dave this weekend that during the last few months they have been arguing about money and their past relationship....again I know nothing about this as he does not discuss her with me and honestly I don't care to know about their personal business..it has NOTHING to do with me. So she has been trying to find out who I am and has asked Dave and Dave felt it was none of her business to know who I was as I have nothing to do with her children. I spend time running, training and hanging with Dave but...for whatever reason this woman has taken it into her head that Dave is gallivanting all over with me and is spending all this money on me that should be going to her for the kids.....WTF!!!!!!!! I guess she wants more money and assumed when she "found" my blog that if Dave can stay in a hotel with a jacuzzi he should be giving that money to her....the kicker is I paid for the room, the gas and all the food...Dave bought his meals and trust me we ate at cheap places...I pay for all my own stuff and I am honestly pissed that she would suggest otherwise...there are plenty of women who have always paid their own way in life..and I am one of them...

She called Dave asking for more money and when they started to argue out of the blue she brought me up and started slandering me. Dave believes by going after me and threatening me she thinks she can get to him. Well she did horrify me and scare me and made me feel very unsafe with the things she said. She said nasty things about me and even brought up my cancer as if I thought I was the only person on the planet who had it....all of this was done to go after Dave for money that she thinks he has but in reality it is MY MONEY that is funding the trips and the rooms in terms of any races and not Dave. So this drama is NOT my drama and has nothing to do with me...I have my own crap to deal with. I have worked too hard in my life and NEVER have taken from another persons so I will not let someone slander me and take away my free speech because they have some misconceptions that need to be addressed with that person and NOT ME!!!!

Yes my blog has some swear words and yes it talks about serious subject matter but unless you are googling me and TRYING to find out info about me no one who is not an ultra runner or endurance athlete will just "stumble" on my blog. What I do on my own time and for an adult audience is my RIGHT...I don't know when "pooping" became a crime but the last time I looked...ummmm it wasn't.

So lets make this clear....stop and take a look at yourself..worry about your OWN self and try to make YOU a better person...don't spend time judging others as people in glass houses should not be throwing stones...do not read my blog..you are not an endurance athlete nor a runner nor my friend and if you read it is is solely because you are snooping on your ex...what he does in his spare time is HIS business...get a hobby ...there are a million single mom's and dad's out there trying to do their best to raise their children...you are not he only one...negativity in parents is spread to children they pick it up when mommy or daddy treat one anther badly and hate one another and it makes for messed up kids. Model kindness and openness and generosity to your children by being that way yourself and you will raise happy healthy children....say cruel things to other human beings, threaten them and act hurtful to others and you are only adding negative energy to the world....basically worry about your own crap and leave me to worry about mine...

ahhhhh I feel better already : )

Sadly a recent incident has caused me to

2012-01-27T18:19:00.000-05:00

for the present time, take down my blog posts from the public arena. I have had this blog for many years and it has helped me to work through many personal tribulations and to share many triumphs. This blog is for my running friends first and foremost. A threat this evening from someone I do not know personally to call attention to my school administrators to what she suggested were topics and words unbecoming a teacher. This blog was never created for an audience other than my running community friends all who are adults. I would never and have never called attention to my coworkers or students concerning the existence of this blog. This has hurt me tremendously as those of you who know me know I love my job as a teacher and have strived the past 13 years to be the best educator I could be. I will think through ways to still have my blog but I may have to password protect it so that I can continue to speak from my heart and be honest which is all I have ever wished to be. Short term if I post it will have to be just race reports and sadly I will have to keep out "me" from my blog posts....

Beast of Burden....or better title "Poopy Pants Roy

2012-01-24T11:38:00.008-05:00

So my trip to Lockport NY started off well. I spent the night packing up and enjoying chicken wings and wine..as Cappy D liked to say “maxing relaxing but never taxing” (I don’t know what the hell that means but it sounds old skool bad ass). I made sure to pack loads of warm clothes. In fact I actually PLANNED (that is almost like a swear word to me) for this race. I actually put on the clothes I had in my tree fort before I shoved them in a bin. I planned on three layers top and bottom and I wanted to make sure I had maximum comfort level (for me this is VERY difficult clothes are pretty much never comfortable…why can’t I live in a nudist colony or better yet a nudist state!!! I just can’t abide by clothes…well that is not totally true…I like loose fitting clothes or clothes with bands that I can roll down way past my tummy and hips but sadly you can’t live in hot pants, tanks, sundresses and flip flops 12 months of the year in New England and I am just too lazy to move some place warm…so I am stuck with being uncomfortable until spring.

OK so back on track...I was resting and relaxing before heading to Lockport NY to run the Winter Beast of Burden 100. Trooper Dave was going with me acting as both driver and pacer. It was an easy 7.5 hour drive to the town of Lockport. I made sure to drink so much water Thursday and Friday so I made Dave stop at pretty much EVERY rest stop to pee. When we arrived we went to the Lockport Inn to get our room…hello Jacuzzi!!!! Holy moley I was BEYOND excited…there was a huge flat screen TV right in front of the Jacuzzi. I don’t own a TV... haven’t for over 15 years so it was cool to be able to watch the Food Channel while eating food in a giant jacuzzi…basically I love to watch people make and eat really bad (as in unhealthy not yucky) food…I like that show Diners, Dives and something or other with that goofy blond haired dude… the problem was I was not there for vacation..I was there to run a 100 mile race in the dead of winter 30 miles from the Canadian border…the fact that I forgot that Friday night is directly related to the fact that my race clothes are in a plastic bag on my tree fort’s front porch, but I am getting ahead of myself.

So we checked in and went to the race start which was only 3 miles away on the Erie Canal. I just wanted to see where I would be running and check out the ground..snow and some ice but it looked pretty good. We went to find grub and stumbled on a BBQ place called One Eyed Jacks where I had the most delicious bowl of chili with one piece of home made garlic bread and a glass of cheap wine...ohhh heaven...we then stopped at a Walmart so Dave could get some gloves (he could not find his) and then he grabbed a cheap bottle of champagne (again bad choice before a 100 miles race). We then went to the grocery store so I could buy some healthy things to have as my prerace meal...of course I never ate said healthy food instead I drank half a bottle of champagne and ate 5 super sized chicken wings both in the jacuzzi and laying on the floor of the hotel as Dave and I watched show after show about yummy delicious fried food...by the time I finished eating my stomach was the size of a beach ball and I was tipsy...at this point I said "umm Dave I think I need to go for a quick run" I needed to try to get rid of some of the rolling bubbling gurgling mess that was inside of my belly. So we put on clothes and went for a sloppy walk run through the neighborhood's of Lockport at 10 pm...where I proceeded to fart and complain and groan and make myself a general nuisance and bother to Dave who could have cared less because he has an iron stomach and would only need to run 25 miles tomorrow...bastard....

So surprise surprise I had a horrible sleep ...up three times with diarrhea and burping up hot sauce I think from the chili earlier in the day...alarm went off at 7 and I pleaded with the almighty that if he just takes the bloating, pain and now constipation away from me for the race I would devote myself to a life without any joy...eating only bread and water and giving all extra income to orphans in Tchad...sadly god was not interested in my self induced problems and I then took to complaining and sticking my belly out to Dave...I tried to go to the bathroom..I gave it the old college try and I believe the result of that was self induced hemorrhoids...nice....my bum was on FIRE!! and I had to now squeeze into my sausage pants....I was wearing silk tights then these cool wool tights then my kind of bulky cross country pants..on top a Smartwool top, a Cloudveil top and then my waterproof-wind proof light weight jacket with a reflective vest for the overnight section...wool socks and my Salomons....I was a pathetic excuse for a human being as I stepped out of that room with my pants rolled down below my belly and my head aching from a hangover....Dave drove to the race start and I tried to put a good spin on how I felt...I knew that running usually takes care of any constipation (boy that turned out to be an understatement) and I talked myself into believing chicken wings and champagne are a great choice before a cold run...my body needs the fat to keep warm I kept telling myself and champagne well best choice of any alcohol to drink...christ I could be nursing a whiskey hangover....so yes I made a smart choice with my prerace meal...yay me!!!

Here is me 30 minutes prerace trying to put a good spin on my fat bloated fire butt self : ) nice try Roy

Now back to the main reason I was here..to start training seriously for McNaughton...all things lead to McNaughton.....there were 100 mile, 24 hour and 50 milers here. I saw Mike Menard and his lovely wife at the start and was able to high five him (he was ahead of me until he had to drop due to very painful back spasms). As we checked in we got a wicked cool bag filled with goodies....gloves, hat, food, lip stuff, and other sundry race swag...awesome. I went in the car with Dave and relaxed for a bit....then headed out to the starting line.

I started out in the way back..I think there was like 10 people behind me. I waved at Dave and said I would see him later and off I went. It was around 20 degrees with a light wind. I was actually very comfy in terms of the cold..in fact folks I was slightly sweating!!! That was excellent news as I never sweat..hence RMM's belief that I am really an alien life form sent to earth to drive him insane : ) The course was 12.5 miles out and then you turn your ass around and run back to the start..you do that 4 times for a total of 100 miles..seems easy on paper : )

There were 3 places along the course for food/water at the start (heated tent), midway(heated tent and outdoor fire pit) and at the turn around (an empty office space next to a laundromat that you got to by leaving the canal trail and crossing a bridge)

Each stop was very welcoming with warm and cold food choices. The mid point and final stop are run by the RD's "girls" (daughter(s) and wife) and let me tell you they were great..the volunteers at this race are truly top notch there was always someone ready to fill your water bottle, get you food and even give you a hug : )

I chose to eat 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich at each 6 mile mark. The first 25 miles I finished in 5:15 and drank 4 handhelds so I felt I was in a good place in terms of fueling. Back at the start Dave was nowhere to be found with my car and my tampon stash so I had to run around looking for a tampon which added to my race day troubles....all of the men just shrugged their shoulders and looked slightly uncomfortable but then some wonderful woman heard of my plight from her red faced husband and ran me to her car and handed over all the feminine products that were in her purse...so I was back out there.. Dave arrived just after I left and drove by on the road portion and said he would stop ahead to give me a sip of Starbucks coffee he drove miles to find...yay Trooper Dave..so he was waiting by the bridge that took me over to the other side of the canal gave me a sip of coffee and an encouraging word and I was off for the second 25 mile loop. This one was slower..around 6 hours for this loop. I met a really sweet young kid named Jimmy who happened to know Sherpa John really well...we gabbed for some time about races and then we hit the midpoint and I moved ahead and put my ipod on and just zoned out...when I reached the 36 mile mark I saw Dave and got some Advil and had some more peanut butter sandwich. Dave shot a pic and posted it to FB for my running peeps back home and I was back out there. It was getting colder and the wind was picking up but I still felt no discomfort in terms of cold. I noted my belly was rolling a bit so I decided to speed walk the next 12.5 miles and give myself a rest...I was doing a steady 14 minute mile pace and was still on target for a sub 24 hour finish I was worried though as I could not make myself drink any water or eat any food...just the thought made me sick to my stomach. When I got back to the start 50 miles in I was a bit nervous about the lack of food and water intake. I grabbed a sandwich and put it in a bag and drank half a cup of ginger ale which helped a bit. Dave was ready to pace me for this 25 mile loop. It was getting colder now and I was feeling kind of off so I told Dave I would be speed walking the next 25 miles... He said no worries as my previous 12.5 miles was done in 3 hours so I was on schedule.

It was not so bad that first 6 miles to the halfway point. I made a mental note that I had not taken a single sip of water for that 6 mile stretch and so when I got to the midpoint I took a sip of Ginger ale. When we left the mid point we were about 1 mile in and it was getting dark. My stomach was really rolling now and I felt very bloated and gassy...I told Dave to stop as I felt like I was going to fart...ummm not quite I actually pooped myself...

It is during moments like these...on a windswept canal in the freezing cold darkness with poop in your pants that you really have to say "wow man life is good". I of course exclaimed out loud to Dave "I pooped myself" to which he replied "oh!?" I mean what more could the man say? He showed his true colors when he said just move over here and try to poo more before we move on....that was almost impossible as there were runners coming up behind us...so I stepped off to the side pulled my pants down and wiped myself the best I could with a napkin I had..then cleaned off my hands in the snow and I was back at it....it is NOT fun to run with poop all over yourself but luckily the poop pretty much just froze on my butt and legs : ) I knew at the 12.5 mile turn around I could go to the bathroom and try to wipe up some of the mess...I was just focusing on a clean bum for the next 6 miles. When we arrived I went straight to the bathroom and to the best of my ability washed myself off...I could not get it off my pants and it was frozen and my butt was hurting from running 6 miles with crap on it...I washed my hands blew my nose and had a sip of Gatorade and some ginger ale and that was it..my stomach was officially shut down for the night....so we went back out for the return 12.5 miles. I was an absolute mess at this point. Very weak and the cold started to creep in...I had not had any fuel for my body to burn so slowly but surely I felt my core temperature dropping....we were now at about a 16-17 minute mile pace. At the midpoint after a tough six miles I stopped for 30 minutes and sat in front of the heater to warm up and try to drink some broth. The volunteers were so kind. I was freezing at this point and one woman gave me a vest and her winter coat...I now had 5 layers on and yet I was still cold. I dreaded leaving the warmth of the tent but I knew if we got back to the start finish we could rest a bit and I could change into clean pants which would make a difference. I was so ill and cold for these six miles Trooper Dave was getting nervous. I asked him to hold my hand as we speed walked the 6 miles....he kept me from falling over. With 3 miles to the finish I felt sick again and we had to stop in the middle of a parking lot I had horrific diarrhea and nothing to wipe myself with but my hand and snow....let me tell you in freezing cold temperatures chunks of snow do not feel good wiped along an already sore tush....I ripped off a bit of flesh in the clean up process...Dave was awesome he held my hand (not the one I wiped with : ) and got me the final 3 miles to the finish. I was freezing and sick to my stomach. I sat down in front of a heater and the volunteers and RD brought me a blanket and some broth. The RD told me to just sit and relax...I had plenty of time to go back out there and finish the last 25 miles as I finished 75 miles in 19:30...so I sat and shivered and drooled on myself for close to two hours. The sun came up and I decided to go into my car and try to clean up a bit and change my clothes to head back out. Dave warmed up the car and I stripped and used up an entire thing of baby wipes cleaning off my body..I put the dirty pants in a plastic bag and tied the top..I took my shoes and socks off and noted the glorious black toes and huge blisters that I did not even feel as I guess I was too focused on the upset tummy and pants crapping. My stomach was rolling and I knew I was not going to be able to fuel up at all. Dave had to work that night (he is a real Trooper) and so we had a 7.5 hour drive back. I knew I would need to sleep and rest for quite a long time before I thought I had a chance to get my tummy under control enough to eat. I decided to DNF rather then wait a few hours only to find out my stomach could not take it and Dave would be late for work. The RD was awesome and he said he wanted to see me back next year and seriously he will....it is a great race but it requires you not to be a bloody boob...so I need to take care of that between now and next January!

I am not sure why I am such an idiot...I mean my parents raised me right...I had a fine education and I have not hit my head too many times in my 42 years on this earth...and yet I am still making stupid mistakes in terms of my training and my running...I think it has something to do with my complete lack of a competitive nature...I have run races and done what I have done mostly to find a way to not think about my health issues and yet I do things that put me in harms way like drinking and eating crap before a 100...and truth be told I did not train at all for this 100...since September I ran Stonecat 50, a marathon at the Fells winter ultra at the start of December and another marathon distance at a fatass in Springfield and that is it for my outdoor runs...I train on the treadmill..maybe 10 miles a week if I am motivated...so here it is in a nutshell...my monumental failure at The Beast was the best thing that could have happened...I needed to cover my self in sh@t to get my sh@t together! I will fail at McNaughton if I do not start to take things seriously...I live life by the seat of my pants and it is getting old people...time to grow up and get serious.

It is time for poopy pants Roy to start wearing the big girl pants...

Steve "The Bard" Latour's new bookie wookie

2012-01-19T11:22:00.003-05:00

The Tuggers mugging it up

So here it is...hot off the press..Steve's book on Amazon (or at least out of my mailbox) Steve's second book and yep you got it right..the pic on the front is of the world famous TUGGERS...or trail ultra gang...so named by Steve? Em? Can't remember exactly but those there are my running peeps and a few of the best damn people on the planet...Julie in white, Em in pink behind me Kev, Dan in front next to me in red and Steve, said author, in blue...we are missing Rob and Streph from the original crew.

Steve and I at the Ghost Trail Rail

Steve is a pretty amazing guy. He and his wife live in New Hampshire and Steve is presently the RD of New Hampshire's only hundred mile race, the Ghost Rail Trail race in Brookline/Milford New Hampshire. He also RD'd the Fells races that were left RD-less after Bogie took off for Colorado a few years back. He is an excellent RD and an even better friend.

When I got the book in the mail Trooper Dave was over my place looking through some old design magazines I had collected over the years. He was sipping a beer and deep in "design mode" trying to pick out some kitchen designs he liked (Trooper Dave is planning on redoing his entire kitchen and bathroom on his own...more about that later) I was snuggled on the couch reading the book and drinking my wine. Kev called to tell me about a trip to see Garry in Colorado Springs he took with Deb and Steve..they ran a really cool fat ass and he was describing the trip...I was interrupting him every few minutes..I was listening but also skimming through the book. I would stop him mid sentence every few minutes with a loud guffaw or to read a passage out loud. You see Steve is funny as hell..hands down the guy is funny in life and funny on the page and very rarely do I laugh out loud...about anything...but I get Steve's humor. He is also a really great writer ...he has a style that is truly unique and makes reading his books a super enjoyable experience..even though I was there at some of these events and even when he wrote about me I was able to get a whole new perspective about things that I had never thought of...Steve also knows me well and he gets my sense of humor and my bizarre personality...spot on...it is nice when someone "gets you" it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside...Steve points out all my strange idiosyncrasies and instead of making me look wacky makes it really fricken funny.... I have always liked that I am different, weird, strange...and the great thing is..so does Steve : ) I love that Steve made quite a few references to my well known dislike of water and showering or pretty much bathing in general : ) Steve and I have a connection based on our love of strength training and we can kibitz about that when others in our running circle may not understand our gym rat mentality. The year I met Steve...the year we became "the Tuggers" was a really happy one for me...prior to that I always ran solo. I still like to be alone in the woods with my thoughts, but I have found that running with my trail friends ALWAYS brings me peace. They have been with me through thick and thin and I am always myself with them.

I know what love is....

2012-01-17T12:35:00.002-05:00

I have said it many times before and I will say it again.... I have had some of my deepest and very best conversations with KZ who is truly one of my dearest friends if not my best friend.

We talk on the phone almost every night. I am usually eating dinner and drinking wine snuggled wrapped in a blanket when we talk. Sometimes I am in a really good place and the two of us get very silly and our conversation radiates joy...other times I am neutral and may spend 20 minutes discussing what I ate that day and how I REALLY need to get off then chicken wings....and still other times I am lost and he just listens.....

When I got into work this morning and checked my email I had one from KZ..it had a link: I know what love is........ and the following written after

I'll never forget your having asked me once if I know what love is.. and I
may never stop sending along reactions to the question.

So I clicked on the link and relaxed with my misto and read........

The person of the one who is loved is a form composed of a myriad mirrors reflecting and illuminating the powers and thoughts and the emotions that are within you, and flashing another kind of light from within. No words or deeds may encompass it.

This is Adams explanation of romantic love I imagine.
It made me think more of a prism than a mirror because the different colors would represent the thoughts and emotions from within

A source of light from the outside shines in and is then refracted into a myriad of different colors. I am the prism my love would be the light. I think I am always surprised when any man I have cared for tries to explain how he SEES me... because I believe you never truly see another person as they see themselves.. What I send back out onto the world in the form of my thoughts and emotions of 'my love" well it can be a revelation to that person...both positive and a negative....

How I see them (both their emotional and physical self) how I have come to understand them (their motivations, dreams, fears, hopes, strengths, weaknesses) are often framed by past experiences....that is why "first love" can't be replicated... it is the closest to pure refraction because there are no other prior loves (except possibly the love they witness between their parents) by which they can frame things...that is why we often think back to our first love with fondness and for some regret....

Adams shares
Friendship is another form of love — more passive perhaps, but full of the transmitting and acceptance of things like thunderclouds and grass and the clean granite of reality.

I have often been given a very hard time about my friendships... KZ has experienced first hand the brunt of this. The thing about my friendship with KZ is his acceptance of me...he has NEVER wanted to change me but loves me in spite of all my foibles....I have yet to experience a romantic love that has not at some point wanted to change me or worse has made me feel bad about being me....yes it is easier to "love" a friend when the romance is not a factor but I know first hand that a friendship between a man and a woman can be a very deep thing that brings much to the table.

So my quick post today KZ is to say thank you for being my friend....and to share with others what you share with me....

A weekend of things I love....

2012-01-15T10:30:00.008-05:00

I have made the focus of this past weekend things I love...I took Johnny's advice and I thought about Carrie and Julie and others who I respect and realize they have gone through trials and tribulations and they keep on truckin.....so in honor of those people that get it done...I will too : )

So the first thing I did was to remove myself from every FB group that did not involve ultra running. Now I almost did it for the Spartan page as well but they use that page to give you info you need to know about DR and I am going there to get me a skull so I stayed on, but I will only read posts that are put up there by Andy or Joe....it is funny because I just did my "rant" last week about the hoopla and white noise surrounding DR and a few running peeps sent me emails Thursday about a new show called "Unbreakable" based on the Death Race or some such nonsense....I fricken laughed out loud as I read the emails as they jokingly said you should try out...first off "I am never not broken" so I could never be on a show that is called unbreakable (I am so cracked I can barely keep together as it is) and reality shows are trashy and silly..so there it is in a nutshell..something I loved....the Death Race..something that had a great deal of meaning for me last year and helped me to deal with my cancer and surgery...something I felt was very pure is now officially turned into a fucking money making television show. They of course have the right to do that..it was never truly "my race" I guess.....but the thing is it should have been...DR should have stayed for the Racers and they should have kept that family feel to it...it was so fucking special...one of a kind and it brought me joy last year when I really fucking needed it...I bet if you ask the racers that have done the PEAK DR from the start I bet they would have called the race theirs...I feel that way abut the TARC races like DRB...created and carried out solely for the celebration and love of ultra running...no money made, great volunteers, everyone brings food, people cheer one another on, no prizes..just a good f'in time had by all....a family....how can the DR be a "family" when so much outside shit is brought in...it makes me sad...it makes something like McNaughton or Barkley and Vol State stand out thank god they exist.....this year is my last DR I will earn the skull and close that chapter in my life and move on....

The second thing I did was make a commitment to hot yoga two times a week for 90 minutes. I truly love it and surprisingly I am getting better at it...I am still the worst student in the class...the huge 6'4" guy that sweats alot is a close second but even he can do the back flip thing...so I pretty much ummm stink...but and here is the important part....I love sucking at yoga....yoga is a practice..I can go at my own pace and slowly work up to things like the crow and eventually maybe years from now one of the head stand thingies!!!

I rock any plank move and the low push ups...I am a super star at those...splits are a very ugly thing to watch me do....Jeff, the instructor, has to try to keep his face neutral but I see the winces and the eye rolling as I fall over and roll around in my little corner of the studio...and still...oh god I love it : ) Did a class Saturday morning and it was an amazing way to start my weekend.

Another thing I did was FINALLY go back to school...signed up for a course on blended learning http://accept.org/node/258 and I will spend the spring semester designing and building an online class for my face to face STEMs courses. I am excited I mean it was two years ago I walked away from Lesley with only half a thesis left and 20,000 in debt...I HATED my thesis. I had been in school nonstop since kindergarten with only a break for the Peace Corps all up till the age of 38....that is ALOT of school....three Bachelors degrees (Sociology, Elementary, and Middle School Education) a minor in Political Science, a masters from Fitchburg State in Science Education (Environmental Education and Biology) and another Masters from Lesley (Middle School Science Education) and my silly doctorate....I was burned out..I had taught as an adjunct faculty at Lesley in their grad program for three years and prior to that I was an adjunct faculty at Simmons all the while working full time as a middle school teacher and getting my own degrees..no wonder I just fizzled out...well the other day I got a spark back..a spark about work and a spark about education....and let me tell you it feels soooo good. I am one of those people who are lifelong learners...I will go back and get my doctorate...I am so close I just need to get excited about learning again and this is the first step : )

I also started my official search for my own home : ) I contacted an agent and she is searching now from my dream home (or dream shack)....yippeee I am soo excited. Although I love my tree fort I really miss not having a kitchen as I love to cook and love to have friends over for dinner..I also miss gardening and just DIY'ing around the house. I have bought, renovated and sold two homes for profit in my 20's and 30's and basically helped the douche bag fix both of his houses (painting and decorating and gardening)...it was fun and I am GOOD at it...this one is going to be more of a retreat a place I can always call home even if I decide to move away from the area and travel or do whatever...it will be a place I always want to return to....a tiny little cottage

not actually for sale....but I wish it was...my dream cottage : )

So I took Saturday after yoga and my run to head to Southern NH and go...Antiquing!!! I bought two of the absolutely cutest chairs for $70..for both!!! they are now in my tree fort and I am happy as a clam : )

These caught my attention right when I went into my fav place on 119 in Townsend

Now one sits in my rearranged tree fort living room

and the other sits next to my bed for reading

Now it is Sunday and I will be heading out soon for my run with Julie and Brenda at Leominster State Forest...been a while since I have been there...Dan and I used to go mtn biking there and rock climbing at Crow Hill so I know it will bring back memories of Dan and that is always a good thing...I think he would be proud of where I am going right now...I know he would have laughed his tush off over the unbreakable thing...he was special forces and the toughest mother fucker I knew...a bit of a lady's man and had a bit of a roguish streak in him...left broken hearts scattered over three continents...hehe... but god we had some fun....
Tonight dinner and drinks with a friend ; ) and Monday early yoga class, gym, course work and REI for some stuff for next week's Beast 100...

So Johnny... thanks for telling me to "get on with it" : )

I had a few people leave my blog following and 5 private emails to me about my blog post on the reality show and my comments on DR and one comment that was WAAYYY to offensive to post. All the opinions shared are cool with me...I can be all those things... everyone is entitled to their opinions : ) it is what I love about the blog universe : ) freedom to speak your mind...

2011 TRAINING RECAP and ramblings……

2012-01-10T12:23:00.008-05:00

1328 race miles documented

Pounds burned: 40 HUH?!...I added 5 pounds of something to my body during 2011

Miles by Month:

Jan 50 miles

Feb 98 miles

March 96 miles

April 118 miles

May 52 miles

June 130 miles

July 179 miles

Aug 105 miles

Sept 192 miles

October 136 miles

November 94 miles

December 93 miles

What this tells me…well the start of 2011 the low mileage makes sense as I was in surgery and sick…and this January I already have 50 miles under my belt and after running the Beast (100 miles) in two weeks and then the Cape Cod Frozen fatass (50K) or a 50k in New Hampshire Julie was telling me about…. I will be WAAYY over last year’s January totals…so I am back on track, but the truth of the matter is compared to 2008 and 2009 my running has slowed dramatically…

A big piece of that was due to the change in my lifestyle in 2010 and my illness in 2011. So here it is 2012 and my health is good… no major issues right at the moment and my lifestyle does not involve family obligations so if my mileage does not increase there is no reason that I can attest to other than laziness…..and I think my January training recap will show that is not the case.

So now that I have the time and the good bill of health to increase my mileage what things are standing in the way…because it has ALWAYS been tough for me to increase my mileage during the winter months..running when trails are covered with snow has been an issue in the past but I have DIONs now and the lack of snow makes it ideal for winter trail running, so what makes me cringe about winter trail running? It all revolves around comfort…I HATE RUNNING TIGHTS, I hate tight undergarments that are meant to be the base layer..they wrap around your tummy and add that to tights and I feel like a human sausage….everyone who knows me knows I don’t like tight things wrapped around my tummy….nor do I like to overheat…to bundle up to start a run when I am absolutely freezing then get ten minutes into the run and start overheating..I don’t sweat…I just heat up like a little furnace….ok now I know I am bitching and can I run with tight pants, when I am cold and or overheated ...I have done it many times during races when I am unprepared for the weather. I ran last year’s cape cod frozen fatass in a pair of hip hugger tights that fell down the ENTIRE time revealing my entire bum…I was so annoyed constantly reaching under my jacket to pull up my fricken pants it really put a crimp in the enjoyment of the course…..I guess the problem is I am VERY tactile..things that feel funny on my body well I can seriously perseverate about them…pajama bottoms that are too tight around the tummy…a tank top that is too long and tight..headbands are torture for me and they make me feel like my brain is going to pop out of the top of my head from the pressure…I would be happy running in hot pants and a tank top but living in New England makes that impossible unless I train solely on the treadmill for the winter months…I do a great deal of treadmill training during winter but it just can’t replicate the trails and my ankles are never as strong when March comes around and I start running races in earnest.

This weekend I got in two long runs, two treadmill incline training sessions as well as a killer lower body workout and 90 minutes of hot yoga. I ran Saturday in Upton Town forest (my old training grounds from way back in 2007) and then Sunday I ran with Trooper Dave and Julie from her house to the mountain and then up and over Wachusetts and back to her pad…Julie and I talked the entire run and it was awesome..she is my emotional mentor much like Nipmuck Dave was my trail running mentor and Dick Vincent was my WS mentor…and Deb and Steve are just the trail god and goddess I wish to one day keep up with. Total mileage for the weekend was around 30 miles which is good since next weekend I will be running 100 miles.

So I need to go to REI and find myself an outfit that can keep me warm, is not tight and has ventilation so I do not overheat…a lot to ask for I know and I am nervous I will NEVER find a pair of winter running tights or pants or whatever….that I can deal with…it would be so much easier to head out for a training run knowing that comfort is not an issue…

This week is really busy so I will do most of my week training on the treadmill: intervals, incline weighted vest training and 2 lower and 2 upper body workouts. This weekend I want to get in two runs no longer than 10 miles each to try out my clothes for the Beast and to possibly break in a new pair of Salomons in case the race weekend is snowing or rainy I can have a pair to change into if they get too wet. furniture…

I loved this past weekend and I am excited about this coming weekend…I was thinking about my last blog post..how I am searching for that woman I once was…I thought about it and I realized to find that part of me I need to do the things I was doing when I was true to myself. First off I needed to spend more time training alone. I dropped out of the Tire Guys camp at the last minute to give my weekend solely to me. I love the camp and I wanted to see Sheri but I also wanted to have the entire weekend away from all the hustle and bustle of others and I did not feel training like that would be beneficial to my 100 two weeks from away. Truth is I prefer training alone with the occasional (rare) group training. I have totally been overwhelmed by all the white noise surrounding DR 2012 and so I want to close myself off from that….I rarely read the DR FB posts…..I pretty much will not go back on there again…I do not have Internet at home and only use my phone to post pics to FB about running…if I miss some important info on FB about DR 2012 I can just ask Andy about it at McNaughton. Training with others is awesome but I don’t need to do it…I have years of overnights and fast packs under my belt, but I always did them alone just because I liked to be alone in the woods on the trails or in the mountains…I have had so many emails about Winter DR based on my blog post about it….where people are asking me advice and I want to be helpful but I am not sure what to share and what advice to give.. …last Winter I was sick as a dog and I did so well at that race just because I am tenacious not because I am some powerful Spartan chick..I am not a Spartan..I WILL NEVER call myself that nor make a reference where I use that word..it is a great business plan that Joe has laid out…my ex BF is one of the founding few he is a great guy…but this is about MONEY…when DR was under the radar and it was a PEAK race I just don't believe it was about being a money maker…but now anyone who thinks money does not play a role is naive....now having said that… I do not think DR makes Joe much money, but the IDEA of DR as the grand Spartan race does make the Spartan organization money..it sells and idea and it is an idea that people are willing to buy into...I LOVE my DR sweatshirt and I wear it with pride and I will also say I LOVE the Death Race itself and I am willing to fork up the dough to do the race and challenge myself...hell it is a shit load of money to put something like that on…and I say kudos to the Spartan founding few…. you got yourself a great product there and I imagine you work hard for it and I appreciate being able to experience the time and effort you put into planning the race..it is pretty fun...but I will not run around calling myself a Spartan cuz that is just silly…. I am a dorky 42 year old ultra runner who loves strength training and going out on her own running with her log or doing an overnight hike alone or with Trooper Dave

I am coming to realize something else I need to do to return to my true self and that is stop the FB posts from coming into my phone..it is really stupid the whole FB thing…stupid to me but I know not for everyone..some people are very extroverted and FB is just an extension of who they are, but it is not me I am really an introvert..Kev and I have that in common….some times I like to add something silly or irreverent or make fun of myself on FB but the posts where people share how crazy hard core and bad ass they are…yeah not my thing….I don’t have the time or the stomach to be barraged with that shit on a daily basis…I am just trying to find out what the hell is going on with me and get over this gosh darn depression… You may call me out and ask well smarty pants “how is your blog any different than people posting how bad ass they are on FB?” Hmmmm? My answer is…well….there is really not much of a difference. If I had to try to explain it I would say I guess FB baddassers come across as living their entire lives as cool as a cucumber ..never afraid of anything….never questioned themselves or their motives… never looking deep inside themselves and seeing something they possibly don’t like….. some weakness they want to cut out...it is possible I guess to be perfect, but me well I am so far from perfect….I am completely honest in this blog..to a fault…it has got me into trouble…in terms of men and friends and family and I am sure people who read this have their opinions of me..I put it all out there and some people may wonder why…they may think what I do is far worse than a bragger on FB…and they are entitled to think that…I have no issues with it at all…judge me all you want but if you don’t like it don’t read it…I don’t want people to stop being braggy on FB…I just want to remove that from my life as it is not really something I find fulfills me in any way…..it is like the anti-abortion people..they have a right to speak their mind and put up their billboards and their bumper stickers…it is their car and the side of the highway is shared by all…I have the choice to look or not..to take it in and be offended or not…to me I don’t care as long as they do not force me to change my belief I am cool with them having their own…I just choose to avoid their parties ; )

So what I think I need as a first step to getting back my bliss in 2012 is to increase my running mileage…in doing so I will be doing something I LOVE that brings me joy (as long as I find the right pants) and I will be doing it with the people I love the most...my quirky group of running friends who make me smile and laugh and always feel good about where I am and where I am going….

I need to continue to increase mileage and choose my training with a focus on McNaughton…DR will be successful or not based on me not getting hurt and me staying out of the hoopla and just going there getting what needs to be done done and then going home and taking a long hot shower… either you give up and quit at DR or you don’t..it is pretty simple…McNaughton takes real focus on my part and serious training you can’t fake 500 miles you can’t just wing 500 miles….nope there is no screwing around when it comes to McNaughton.

I will find a way to stop all the FB posts from Goruck and DR and Spartan Chicked (all great pages just not for me) that constantly stream through my phone.....it drives me utterly batty!!!! I waste so much time deleting all the posts. I can't access FB during the day from work nor at night as I don't have Internet..but the constant posts on my phone email is way over the top...so I need to get to Verizon and figure out how to make that stop..I will continue to post my ultra photos and the occasional stupid idea or remark to my profile and check out the Trail Animals FB page (my running club) but I need to stop all the other noise as honestly I don't care about how awesome and tough every one's overnights were or about patches and t-shirt designs or who built a really cool slosh pipe or every persons WOD of the day...damn I am having trouble just figuring out why I am so sad sometimes...I don't have the mental energy or interest....I do have to say though..I LOVE reading blogs...so much honesty and humor...I love to catch up on the blogs on my fav list during my lunch..I eat my sandwich over my keyboard and spend 20 minutes catching up on people's lives...I learn so much and I am often amazed at the strength people have....I learn a great deal from people who admit to their foibles.. who call themselves out and who live their life as imperfect beasts.....I guess I love the quirky, the imperfect, the ripped, the stained, the rough around the edges, the slightly disheveled, the dirty, the smelly, the unkempt, the disorganized, the dark dank and sometimes dreadful sides of life....cause when you face those things head on and make it through all the "good" things seem to reverberate to shine to spread their glory and you APPRECIATE it more you know...I appreciate my life having faced losing it..I appreciate bliss having lost it...humility, thankfulness, honesty, internal fortitude, inner strength and beauty...those are words I would have inked across my heart.....

A letter to self

2012-01-08T09:04:00.004-05:00

Dear Self,
Come home.....

You know I used to be a fearless, fun, irreverent, silly, giddy, potty mouthed pirate...never let anything stop me from moving forward..one of my tats is relentless forward motion.....it is a permanent testament to that...

but I lost you self....I let you be degraded and abused and the shame of it...well it has made me just a shell of who I once once....Dan I know is shaking his head right now looking down at me......I have an idea where you are..I see you you know..you can't hide completely from me...

The sad thing is I am finding it so hard to capture you...you flit about and you are shadow-like a movement just out of the corner of my eye....you are so fearful and weak now..where you were once filled with strength and joy...I want to blame that man for beating you down...I want him to feel guilt and sorry for all the lies and all the pain he caused you...the horrible damage that was done to something that was once so free and harmless really....but I know it will not bring you back...no one can find you if you don't want to be found....you are here somewhere..

I told you self...I catch glimpses of you from time to time..this weekend you came roaring out of your hiding place to help me make a tough decision but then you realized you were in full sight and you were gone before I could say " I missed you so much"...."I need you...."

Self I am all talk and no action without you..please come back and help me find my voice again....
I am crippling sadness...please come back and help me find my smile....
I am empty....please help me to feel something again...

I am numb...a body shot up with Novocaine and heart dark from betrayal....I experience small snatches of joy but they are mostly due to forgetting for a short span of time the pain and the hurt that has been with me for far too long....I need not to forget self but what I need is help to come to peace with it all and move on...

But I am in a tub filled with tepid water and I don't have the strength to stand up...I will sit there naked and shivering even when the water drains...I need you to hold the towel open and beckon me in to its warmth...

What is going on self? Why can't you let it go? You have been there hidden away but cognizant of the conversations I have with others about this past year, you know what I write in this blog as I try to work through it all, and late at night when I can't sleep I speak to you....I know you hear me...We have hashed this out over and over again self and you keep giving me signs that you are OK you are a fighter and you are ready to stand up and be counted again...you are back in it....but then you pull the rug out from under me self and I don't have time to break the fall......

or maybe I like to suffer? Maybe I am punishing you self...I mean you got me into this in the first place....you let your guard down and I put my faith in someone and gave my heart away...you should have seen it coming...you should have been there to catch me but you had disappeared and you left me to crumble...I hate you for that....but I need you self....

What do I have to do to bring you back? It is just me and you open and honest here...no bullshit self....no guilt, no remorse, just forgiveness....I forgive you self...can you forgive me for abandoning you?
I know he did not like you self...and I listened when he said bad things about you...I started to believe him even when friends tried to help as they slowly and painfully watched you disappear...but I was too caught up..I am so sorry I put our goals and dreams on the back burner......and I let you slowly die his needs and wants replacing yours..yes I chose him over you and I am ashamed of my weakness...in the end all the deceit caught up to him and that was the only way he would let me go...but I know self it should have been me to break the tie...I am sorry I let you down...please come back I can't do it without you..I know I lead you to believe that he was more important than you....I am so very sorry for that...I loved you all along even when I let you go without a fight I often thought of you with longing....I would sit and reminisce with K. and R. about you...they missed you too...please give me a second chance..

Self we have so many things waiting for us...the adventures, the people, the places and experiences...
touches that will make you blush....smells that will bring you back to childhood...tastes that make you sigh with contentment.....laughter that fills you with warmth....the sound of silence we enjoyed together when we ran....and not the lack of noise due to emptiness....I wish those things for you self and for me as well and I can't do them without you....

self please come home......

2012 off with a bang..or at least a trip to the salon

2012-01-04T13:02:00.002-05:00

Yep so 2012...a new year.... unlimited possibilities...could be a great year or it could suck..I could finish all 500 miles of McNaughton then last through the torture of DR2012 to earn myself a skull or I could get sick again and die ...I am hoping it is the latter...as I think most would agree dying ain't no fun..unless I could then be a vampire or something cool like that...is a werewolf dead or are they just like bitten and then they get like a werewolf disease? I would rather be a werewolf and run around the woods at a full moon then be a vampire what the heck do they do? I am claustrophobic as it is...and when dirt smells musty and wormy I kind of gag...
but I digress....

So I ended 2011 with a trip out west and did some amazing hiking in the Smokey Mountains.

I must admit I was horrified by Pigeon Forks or Pigeon Cove or whatever the hell the town was I had to drive through to get to Gatlinburg and the mouth of the Smokey's in Tennessee...then again Gatlinberg was slightly scary for me as well...I DO NOT like crowds and I DO NOT like crowds of very overweight people smoking cigarettes and blocking the sidewalks to all people who walk faster than .25 miles an hour....vegetables were very difficult to find in the restaurants but not so fried food...hence I gained like five pounds...but I did not take up smoking, loose any teeth, nor take to teasing my hair up and using an 1/2 can of hairspray to hold the gravity defying creation in place...nor have I become born again...God is great and good and all, but giant billboards exposing how he wishes me to suffer in the hell fires if I support a women's right to choose just didn't scream "hey come on down to church and join in on the fun"....

I burned the pounds off hiking the glorious trails but my first hike I made the stupid mistake of starting close to sunset and ending up at the summit right when the sun was going down..without a head lamp...

Here I am 5 minutes from summit looking up

Here I am 10 minutes later looking down into the darkness...

I also enjoyed just sitting in front of the woods stove making nice meals..my favorite was a Salmon grilled outside over coals and then I sauteed kale with mango and green onions...yummy...Every morning I started off with a Perfect Foods Vegan green shake with fresh berries...and every evening I sat in front of the stove with a book and a glass of wine...I slept till 8 every morning..It was like I was making up for all the sleepless nights of 2011 and there were quite a few. I had a great trail run in Huston Woods that made me yearn for spring....I did not push myself but just let myself...BE....I reconnected physically and emotionally and tried to focus on keeping my heart open...that is not always easy for me...

Then I came home...and it is 2012 and I feel..well how is it different from 2011..as it just feels the same..ummm a bit shaky, unstable...so I make a hair appointment and for the love of god I color my hair...dark..I am a blond..albeit a dirty blond..and now I am a brunette with red highlights...

I realize after sleeping late and almost being late for the final bell at school that coloring my hair..doing something so different on the outside is just the first step for me....I also realize that in this picture I look a bit like Tatum O'Neal..before her heroin addiction period though..I think her first years with McEnroe...but yet again I digress...

I am realistically thinking about a career change and a move as well....but I am still "thinking" I have not really felt settled back home...and by home I mean...me...settled inside of me....I am just kind of trying to figure out where I am at and what is important.

I am excited to get my tat done....Trooper Dave did the design..and it..well it just rocks......I have also been writing a book...so that is something very few people know about...but it plays a big part in my 2012...I think my theme for 2012 is to simplify...find balance...

Speaking of balance I am struggling a bit with balancing my McNaughton and my DR training...this weekend I have the chance to do DR camp 3 with the Tire Guys or to run the G.A.C. Fatass...of course G.A.C. is better for McNaughton and Tire Guys are better for DR...same thing the last weekend of the month...choose DR camp at Amee farm or the Cape Cod frozen fat ass 50k which is tough in and of itself and I LOVE running it... I have the 100 miler in New York the 21st and 22nd of January that is my big race of January and I want to go into that strong and healthy. I am not psyched with water training in these temperatures...and the Tire guys are asking us to bring our bathing suits....I don't know if it is the smartest thing in terms of my prior issues with hypothermia..I don't have a wet suit of any kind at this point and don't yet have the money to purchase one...I have been hospitalized 3 times in the last 5 years for hypothermia...do I really want to take the chance for a camp? I do not believe that I can "train" my body not to get hypothermia..I can suffer through it but it is a balance that could change from race to race...food and clothing play a roll of course and my immune system functioning at its best plays a roll as does adding some body fat...all this helps but it is a situation by situation type of thing...I have been hospitalized in early spring, summer and late but strangely enough never in the winter..I froze my bum off at Winter DR last year but did not suffer...but I was in dire straights in 2009 at VT50 in October and at the Wapack and back in March. I don't want to take a chance of not going into the Beast in perfect shape....

and so I realize that all the questions of 2011 have just come with me into 2012...some baggage you just can't get rid of I guess : )

Things you probably don't want to know about me....

2011-12-22T14:00:00.003-05:00

So I was gabbing with Kev last night...I was about an hour into my dinner...bison, roasted brussel sprouts, steamed cauliflower and beets with roasted onions and a huge dollop of horseradish....all cut up into teeny tiny bites and eaten with chopsticks and a glass or two of Chardonnay...it takes me over an hour to eat as I take tiny bites and read my book and relax...chopsticks make me a mindful eater : ) soooo back to the point...I was gabbing with Kev about what hundreds I want to do between now and McNaughton when the conversation turned to.. I don't remember... but my response was "I bet you did not know that I had waxed my bum" Now please note that A. I specified that I only do it like 4 times a year (more in summer) and it is not my entire bum but only a small part. B. I did it the first time because while wearing a skimpy bikini my ex BF D. noted "you have cute blond hair on your bum". He said this matter of factly and not with an ounce of bother or care....I on the other hand felt a moment of sheer horror..and I ran into the bathroom and bent over and looked at my bum and yep...I had some blond hair there and I was pretty immediately thinking to myself "umm yuck don't like that" so later I went to CVS and bought a little waxing kit....you warm the strips in your hand stick it to your bum and pull...and there you are a nice hairless tush...miracle of miracles : ) Now after explaining all this to Kev and him laughing at me I said hey "I bet that was something you did NOT want to know about me" and a light bulb went off over my head and I decided that the last blog post I make before 2011 comes to a close will be "things you probably do NOT want to know about me : ) hehe or subtitled: TMI Michelle wtf get a hobby and stop blogging....

so.....
1. I have and will again wax my bum...
2. I HATE when my eyebrows grow in...it freaks me out. Whenever I have a multi day hike or camping trip or multi day endurance event one of the first things I will do when I get home...even before showering...is to look at my eyebrows in a magnified mirror and pluck whatever stray hair has grown in. I believe this is a result of living in Africa in my twenties in a mud hut and not shaving any part of my body (except my head) and having no access to water to bathe...when I got on the plane to head to France and then from France to the United States I was looked at like a total bald hairy freak...I had a vicious uni brow...
3. I really love to pluck my eyebrows or anyone elses for that matter and have "groomed" many a mens uni brow to help them achieve a more enhanced and neat appearance for their lady friends whether or not I was that lady...so fyi if you are a friend and a guy I may try to attack you with pluckers if I see the need to do so...do not attempt to run...I will catch you...and on my return from Africa after I got out of the hospital I was in ecstasy plucking my eyebrows back into their normal shape : )
4. I love sugar but if eat just one piece it will immediately leave me crazing more....so much so that I have sucked on frosted flakes to get my sugar rush...
5. I like to stick my stomach out really far and say "ugh I am so fat" to anyone who will pay attention..and even if you ignore me I will continue to do so and probably come into your personal space in such a way that my protruding belly touches you..it is best to notice the belly right away and then make a comment and then I can move on to other things...do not ignore!! I will follow you around with a plumbers butt and my belly sticking out until you say something and that can be awkward when this happens in a fine dining establishment.
6. I crave chicken wings 24/7 and I could eat them EVERY night for dinner and have eaten them for 8 consecutive nights over one month ago....it was kind of gross but then again very satisfying...
7. I love dry shampoo...I wash my hair two times (max) a week unless I am trying to impress (which is not very often) then I may move to three times a week. I use deodorant every day but choose to shower a limited amount of time...again I will shower if the need arises but I have yet to be told by anyone that I smell and need to shower so I take that to heart and until I am told otherwise will only shower every other day at the most....I consider a swim in the ocean, a pool or a jacuzzi (of a known friend) to equal a shower...also a clean river but not a lake...I like to shower after a dip in a lake...I don't like smelling like fish.... now the truth is I can't swim so a "swim" really means up to my waist and at the most a floundering around splashing and or doggie paddling like a drowning rat...I DO NOT like getting my face wet nor will I put my hair in the water especially chlorinated water as it will turn it green and I have some TERRIBLE memories of green hair in ninth grade from over chlorinated town water and being teased by the senior football players who are now probably fat and bald and whose butts I could kick in most endurance events ( I am not bitter in the least : )
8. I hate cars and all things car related...I have anxiety attacks over changing oil, filling washing fluid...and if my car breaks down I lose my ever loving mind..it paralyzes me and puts me in an inconsolable state......I bought AAA and I feel slightly better...
9. If in a relationship I would expect my BF to be in charge of all things car, insurance and tax related...while I would clean, organize our gear, make sure the fridge is stocked and prepare the morning smoothies.
10. When I am single I do not believe in exchanging birthday cards, buying wedding presents (I decline wedding invitations), sending Christmas cards or even buying and exchanging presents, accepting presents of any kind and sending thank you notes (which I rarely have the need to even think about doing because I rarely accept presents) there are the few people I do like to buy a present for but it will be based on finding something that I think they will love and not adding to the mounds of junk that they may already have : )
11. I don't like wedgies and I often have them hence I prefer not to wear tight pants and or any pants if given the opportunity...which leads to the fact that I go commando not because I think it is "sexy" or "edgy" but because I am the wedgie queen....I have high hips..Peewee Herman pant look is often a factor unless i buy low rise pants....running tights...dear god they are horrible torture devices that reach up to my boobs...a body stocking..I look like a bizarre sausage.....
12. I pick my nose but try to be neat about it...and I try not to do it in public..sometimes though I forget : ) me bad
13. I never sweat while running and actually I sweat only when I have a nightmare and then I soak the sheets....
14. Kev and I can talk about stupid things every night for over an hour..I appreciate the friends and family network on Verizon...
15. I know I could use a bit more common sense but I am actually pretty intelligent...I am aware that I do not often come across as intelligent though..and I am totally cool with that.....
16. I really like to say "dude"
17. I want to learn to ride a motorcycle but I know within twenty four hours I will have maimed or killed myself because I am a really bad driver.
18. I still cry when I think about my cat Newmie...he is dead....obviously
19. Log is slowly ripping a mole on my neck off and I am too lazy to go to the doctor..I have been to the doctor far too friggen much in the last three years...
20. I am totally at peace with the idea of dying.....I just hope that there are chicken wings in whatever place I end up : )

See you in 2012...dude

Weight on my shoulders..physically and emotionally....

2011-12-20T12:25:00.003-05:00

if given a choice I would choose the physical kind hands down....this weekend as usual I experienced both...

So I had some big plans this weekend.... and it started off on the right foot with printing out my receipt for my plane ticket for my Christmas get away....then a night out Thursday at Wildwood with wine and oysters and great conversation at the bar...Friday a low key day at school followed by an easy work out at Gold's then off to Whole Foods for a prepared meal and a stop at Annie's for four new books to read. I settled down on the couch with a glass of wine, my book and dinner...and I was happy as a clam. Saturday I would be heading to Springfield for a fatass 50k with Log. It was my goal to run as many loops as I felt like doing...hoping I had 10 in me but totally fine with whatever I could bang out in the time limit. I knew that the road 50k would be an issue for me. I have road shoes but they have NEVER actually touched pavement I wear them solely on my treadmill training, and my trail runners are not comfortable on roads as they are big and clunky to keep my poor monkey feet safe...my arches are so abnormally high...seriously they are a sight to behold...so when I run it is pretty much on my metatarsals and roads hurt like hell...

So as I sat there Friday I had some thoughts floating around in my head. Thoughts about love and training and running...that seems to be the gist of my blog with a bit of existential angst and potty humor thrown in for good measure...so Friday night I was trying to wrap my head around a question someone posed to me the other day about the possibility that I repeatedly sabotage my chances for love with a good man.

My friend C. had this to say about me over a beer or two the other day, "Michelle I have never met a woman who has so many male "friends". I think they all start out as potential suitors and you in most cases immediately (whether they like it or not) make them into a "friend" because you have commitment issues.... you are attractive, smart, self sufficient, funny and relatively clean.... a real catch, and yet you sabotage every potential "nice guy" that comes your way by acting either like a "guy" and making them a friend, acting as if you could care less if they called or worse still you run away the moment you feel them getting too close".

Well umm thanks for the heads up C....just what I want to hear...I am a manly commitment phobe...lovely....

Actually I am tired of hearing that old song and dance....it is all bullshit.....I want to be happy and I want a committed relationship just like everyone else.....every guy, but one, that I have ever been serious with I can call my friend and this is because I am a good person.... when a relationship ends in 99% of instances they have fond feelings towards me because their children loved me or their parents loved me or we just had a friendship all along that was too good to let slip away just because we were not meant to be in LOVE. It has been a sore spot for some of the men I have dated....that ex's still call and email and check in with me....I would think that women who have crappy things to say about their ex's and or the ones whose ex's hate them should be the greater concern...but that is a topic for another day....I have never and will never be described as a bitch..it is not who I am..I am respectful and open (to a fault at times)...I do not manipulate or use men...I just do not commit easily nor do I stay committed to someone who is not right for me....bottom line is I have guy friends BECAUSE I HAVE EARNED their friendship and respect...so nothing personal C. but feck off to all the commitment phobe comments you or anyone else tries to hit me with in the future..I am way too quick for them and I will duck...if you don't watch out they may bounce off the wall in hit you right back in the kisser...

I will admit that I have issues that cause some problems when I am in a relationship but they are NOT relationship issues... I tend not to put my complete trust or faith in people easily...I will give them the shirt off my back but I am hesitant to accept their shirt when it is being offered to me...preferring to run around naked and cold instead of finding out that the shirt is really a 7.99 Walmart special that loses buttons after the first wash...I guess I just don't want to be let down.....

Saturday I woke up not necessarily with a clear head but I did decide to use my Christmas trip as a time to continue to think about all of this and to try really hard to be more open to the opportunity for love with a good man....I also woke up with a desire to run with log and physically tire myself out....hoping it would quiet my mind. I was up early and read a bit before heading out to Springfield with T. D. The course was laid out in Forest park and it was 10 repeats of a 5k loop (all roads) with one hill up and one hill down...the rest flat. T.D. and I arrived on time(barely) but not prepared to start the race..we still had to change and fill water bottles so we actually missed the start of the race..duh....but I snapped this pic....

as I was changing into my running tights (which I had to take off after the first loop because they were driving me batty). T. D. and I went down to the start to get directions (which we both thought the other person was listening too so when we started to run we got lost and bickered with one another trying to put the blame on one another for not listening...ugh). So we started late and we wasted at least 12 minutes running around in circles and then we saw runners who told us the way to go... so an 8:30 race start really ended up being 9 am for the two of us...once we got started though we both fell into a smooth pace Dave having decided prerace to stick with me for a few loops...I ran pretty fast for the first 5 loops..a very comfortable pace...by the end of the fifth loop my feet started to hurt and the loops after that... well...my feet were screaming...I made the stupid choice to add the weighted vest to the last 2 loops... makes total sense to carry an extra 40 lbs when your feet hurt...duh...

When we finished we headed to Northhampton spur of the moment to hit the Japanese spa there for a quick thirty minute jacuzzi...T.D.'s knees were toast and my feet hurt like hell...I managed only about 10 minutes before I got too hot and showered and changed into fresh clothes but T.D. stayed the entire time...we hit the Toasted Owl after for football, wings and beer and then stopped into a candy store for chocolate (three pieces each) then Starbucks for a coffee for the ride home.Overall it was a great day in terms of training...my shoulder are massive right now from holding log and the weighted vest...

Sunday was supposed to be a day of training..of carrying more weight on my shoulders but sadly it all got "F'd" up and the weight turned out to be emotional....not going to blog about Sunday as I am not sure why what happened..happened...all that I have to say about that is I drove all the way to Monadnock to hike and then returned home without ever stepping foot on the mountain...sometimes even I can't find the right words...

cheating....

2011-12-14T15:45:00.002-05:00

yep I must admit to my indiscretions....I have been cheating ...on LOG......hehe

Last weekend I headed up to Monadnock with Keith (another DR guy who lives in Framingham) to train with Bruce and Ryan. I had a LATE night Friday that included a really nice meal at Bullfinches and did not get to bed until close to midnight..the alarm buzzing at 4:30 resulted in me falling out of bed slightly hungover from the three glasses of wine the night before. I brushed my teeth, dressed and wiped the sleep from my eyes with the tissue that I blew my nose with the night before (save trees) and I was out in my car waiting for Keith. Keith brought a crap load of ...well...... crap..either he wanted to carry it up the mountain, or in case we had to build a shelter and survive a surprise apocalypse...to be honest all the crap in my trunk was actually very comforting as I miss KZ.... anyone who knows KZ knows that he does like him a bit of the gear : ) so with a packed trunk and happy thoughts of Turnips dancing in my head....Keith and I headed out to find a DD and grab some much needed coffee.

I like the ride to Monadnock it is about 70 minutes from my place and takes me on some nice back roads. As we drank our coffee and gabbed I felt pretty much pulled together to get my lazy ass up the mountain a few times. When we arrived we saw Bruce running along the parking lot...we realized pretty quick that the mountain was ummm covered in this white stuf...duh..what the hell was I thinking? I had yet to changed out my late summer fall gear in my trunk for my winter gear...so the trekking poles, crampons, micro spikes, Nemo winter tent, jetboil, booties and snowshoes were still in the attic of my landlords barn...(when I returned Saturday I went right to the barn and changed out my gear see below : ) now I am ready for winter...minus the Dions that I keep in the treefort so I can just head out my door into the woods when we get some fricken snow!!!)

(my next car will not have a back seat as it is always taken up by my packs and climbing gear)

Of course all I needed was the spikes and maybe some poles but nope I am officially an idiot and let it be known that KZ mentioned I should change out my gear as NH would probably have snow and ice on the mountain.. but noooo I was relaxing drinking wine after showering before heading out for dinner..the last thing I wanted to do was crawl around in the barn attic...so since I know myself (I have been with me for almost 42 years now) I knew that the icy top half of Monadnock would not be a place I would want to be in my Salomon trail runners..I have this fear of falling during DR training and that would end my ultrarunning goals..and therefore I would wither away and die...it was decided we would just summit as many times as we could not carrying stuff.

I had my weighted vest in my trunk (along with a pillowcase of rocks, 6 bricks wrapped in duct tape, 3 axes, a saw...you can see why men find me slightly strange when they see my car) so I threw it on (20lbs) knowing that if it was too dangerous above treeline I would make that point the turn around for my continual summit attempts...

The vest slowed me down a bit and Ryan and Bruce headed off...Keith stayed with me and then moved ahead...after the 1/2 point when we got to the part that transitions into small craggley trees and then tree line ends I turned around and headed down. It was fricken icy and I was honestly afraid to fall and smash my knee....I yelled to Keith that I would see those three on my second up. I was heading down to the car to get bricks to add to my pack. The down was slow and steady.... no where near as enjoyable as the up, although the up was difficult...I never really felt like I would fall. I made it down and grabbed 3 bricks for a total of about 18 lbs and put them in my pack..I was now about 38 extra lbs on my back and I felt that on the second (half) summit attempt...I passed the guys heading down from the summit and they said they were heading to the car to grab a bite to eat. I made it up past the 1/2 way mark and then turned to head back down to the car to grab another brick or two. I passed the guys (Bruce, Ryan and Keith) as they were heading back up to summit with some big ass logs....haha I yelled to Bruce that I hoped mine wasn't that size..it was almost as long as me!! Bruce said he had a log in the back of his car for me (a baby log!) still in length it was bigger than LOG. I dropped my bag with bricks and kept the vest on..I grabbed log from the back of Bruce's vehicle and headed out for the 3rd 1/2 summit attempt..it was awkward with the log and for the scrambling sections I had to push it in front of me and 2x's it slipped and rolled back down to the start of the rock face....ugh...this is what DR training is all about though..things that are hard, annoying, hurt, frighten, frustrate you...seek out these kind of things so that you build up an immunity to pain and frustration...you choose to do DR so wtf...don't get pissed when it sucks...training helps to bring you to that state because lets be honest...all of us have our breaking point...mine is cold water and not being able to poop : ) the worst form of torture for me is to be forced to eat a diet completely lacking in any fiber...I would cry uncle in a nanosecond!! I made it up directly to the sign that said 1/2 point to summit and decided the lack of micro spikes and the awkwardness of this log may make it dangerous for me (a woman who lacks grace in all of its forms) to ascend to the car...slow and steady I made my way down to the car and got inside to warm up and eat my chicken sandwich...Keith came back before the other guys having hurt his knee..it was decided we would head out now as Keith had family obligations that required us to leave the mountain by one at the latest..it was noon so we decided better Keith rests his knee than start back for another summit.

We stopped and grabbed a coffee and were on our way....good conversation actually spent the ride home laughing quite a bit...Keith is fricken funny and the two of us can be down right gross and inappropriate in our conversation topics..he has also been a good friend in terms of what has been going on the last few weeks with me...he never gives advice if I don't ask for it nor does he judge....he just listens and calls me out when I need to be called out...a true friend calls you a douche bag when you are well.... being a douche bag : ) ....one of the coolest things about DR is the people I have met through the race but also, just through the training.

Last year DR was really hard for me and I had to suffer in silence with a black cloud hanging over me but this year that won't be the case...yippeee!!! I have been made a promise that the cloud will remove itself from my sky and I could not be happier : )

Although my body and my mind are in a bit of a funk (seasonal affective disorder is real when you spend all day in a cold Tech Ed room aka "the shop" with no windows) I am looking forward to this weekend. I have a 50k on Saturday and I will return to Monadnock with microspikes and do a full summit or two with the new log on Sunday. I love a weekend that involves training as well as "down time". I am trying to make sure I balance social activities ; ) with training activities and so far I am doing ok....what would be perfect is to meet someone who would actually want to climb Monadnock with me carrying a log and then buy me flowers and woo me on the ride home....oh well.....beggers can't be choosers : )

I am the Queen of run on sentences........

2011-12-09T10:54:00.009-05:00

Musings...
For the next month many of my posts will be stream of consciousness musings...much like my beloved Kerouac...I am the queen of run on sentences......
and I will bring 2011 to a close with a bit of irreverent banter....

Got my first pair of magnified reading glasses yesterday at Whole Foods...a real bargain at 20 bucks...they are pink with flowers painted on the side...I look like my mother...dear god....a few weeks back I realized I could no longer make out the words on the page when I tried to read a book... disaster!!! If I am not at my local dive bar scarfing wings and watching sports I am sitting down with a glass of cheap Chardonnay and prepared Whole Foods (usually cold steak or chicken, cold roasted brussel sprouts, cold steam cauliflower, beets, and roasted balsamic onions cut up and eaten with chop sticks) dinner on the couch...I don't have a kitchen table..in fact I don't even have a kitchen really (I have a sink and a dorm fridge and a counter top and a microwave)..no television no Internet..reading is my only form of enjoyment (that and any company I may have for dinner..if I do have company I sit on the floor with my plate in my lap and offer up the futon couch to my guest...all very posh and high end...some times I even light a candle..oh yeah you got it right...ambiance baby...setting the mood...too bad the majority of people (men) I have over for dinner involves some sort of training and or running adventure and no romance) so due to my lack of electric appliances that allow me to keep entertained seeing the words on the page is kind of important. So I broke down and grabbed a pair of glasses and I realize you have to wear them on the end of your nose...I worry about nose stretch now...I don't want nose wrinkles...last night I put my old school ipod (that still has all the songs from my BF whom I broke up with in 2003) on the 15 dollar ipod/alarm clock thing I found on the clearance table at Staples...and I read my new book and drank wine and ate chicken wings and I was happy...f nose wrinkles... it is worth it...

Botox...hmmmm....I have a line between my eyes...they call it the "frown line" but for me it is the squint line...as I choose not to wear sunglasses at times...they give me acne on the side of my forehead...I hate acne worse than wrinkles....botox will fix that my dermatologist tells me as she is checking my moles...yep "fix" it so I look surprised all the time I think...damn.. people who know me know I am confused and surprised enough as it is...still....what does it all involve??? I mean I had my flu shot yesterday and that was a big mf needle and it wasn't too bad...and the odds of the flu shot keeping me from getting any instances of the flu is not 100% ..so botox needles are smaller based on what the Internet search tells me...it is more expensive then a flu shot (flu shot = free) but it supposedly will take some years off me...now thinking about taking years off...well that is a good thing..i guess..it depends really on how much....I look pretty good for 42 as it is...I could pass for 38 if I showered more...so botox may make me look what? 33? Does that mean I have to date younger men since I will look closer to 30 then 40? I have done the cougar thing in my mid 30's with a guy in his mid 20's...fun but a but difficult in the end..I was working on my PhD and he was playing beer pong...
I like men in their 40's I love gray hair and a bit of gray in their beards..I love wrinkles around the eyes and a bit of a weathered look..you see that a man has lived with a face like that..a smooth face of a 30 year old..not so much..like a babies bottom..not for me...if I did botox I guess I could counter balance a too youthful look with my magnified reading glasses..although I can't see shit with them unless I am sitting there reading a book...if I wore them out I could trip and fall..and although I look closer to 30 my 42 year old body does not bounce back as fast as my 30 year old body... I could break something..then I would have a 30 year old face but a cast on my leg and I would just end up back on my couch with my wine and my book...hmmm botox...not worth the money...rather spend it on books, wine and maybe a new futon....

Baggage...every body has it...you find some on the middle shelf right at eye level in the high end luggage store while others are found in the back of Marshalls on the dusty clearance rack..don't get me wrong...I like to search out that dusty rack...I prefer to search among the mismatched pieces with the broken handles and scuff marks for a diamond in the rough...for the piece that is missing the rest of its set...for the bright orange bag with zebra stripes that at first may seem very odd but comes to grow on your with every use....I find that those clearance pieces (although returned or rejected by someone else) can be just the right piece for me...the bag that on the outside does not show immediate promise but when you take the time to open it up...bonus..the mf'er has more storage space and secret pockets than you know what to do with...I have a bunch of odd shaped things....I often have to leave them behind on my adventures cuz I just can't figure out how the hell to store them...ohhhh to be able to bring them along for the ride...then you hit the store without really having anything particular in mind and BAM here is a piece that can fit all that is important to me and it is on sale and I have a coupon!!!!....I have been told by well meaning friends maybe it is about time that I splurge for a bit of high end baggage... but I did that once and it turned out to be a disaster..it looked great on the outside, but when you looked closely it had a few loose strings and a few uneven seams...soon enough the bag began to fall apart...it may have looked handsome but in the end it was just a piece of shit....luckily I was able to return it..seems there are people out there who prefer carrying a nice looking bit of baggage then having something that can hold together when it really matters most...

Back into the gym....

2011-12-07T12:22:00.002-05:00

I have been slacking the last three weeks in terms of my strength training..and the reason is not over training, too busy, money issues, or even time issues...to try to explain why this week was my first "real" time back in the gym..I have to go back a few months...

At the end of September I decided to reach out to John M a fellow DR friend and co-owner with his wife of Cross fit Craic. John and his wife are just good people plain and simple. Well I reached out to John about cross fit and whether or not I should move away from my traditional training methods and try something new. He sent me some things to read online and took the time to answer some questions and the end result was me walking into the Marlboro cross fit one Saturday morning for a free class.

What I did not share with John, or anyone else, was the real reason I walked across the street from my Gold's gym into that cross fit studio...

I have always been a huge "gym rat" not the kind that stands around admiring my muscles and wearing lip gloss and cute matchy matchy gym attire...although there is nothing wrong with that..in fact If I wanted to do those things I probably could not pull them off...lip gloss always ends up caked on my lips like I just ate a glazed donut and cute gym clothes always seem to involve showing the belly...I don't like to wear belly anything so those cute sports bra ensembles...so not me....I would obsess about my forty something tummy jiggling with every ball pike I did...I have always been head down, earphones on, forge ahead relentlessly without a break or time for small talk kind of gym goer...not that I am unhappy...far from it..I am in my happy place when I am lifting...pyramids on the squat rack and I am euphoric...bench press negatives simply trippy with joy...back leaning against the mirror heavy barbell curls (so not to cheat) its like I won the lottery.....you may not assume I am happy and I have been told that I look bit intimidating...that is of course not based on my physical attributes ( 5"4" and 110...don't know how intimidating that can get) but it is more so my facial expressions and how I seem to be in my own world....intimidating as in "please don't speak to me I am in the zone". I met Roy a few years ago at a gym in Groton. He had come up to me and offered me his book to read on the treadmill. After our friendship was cemented that summer he told me a bit about what he thought of me at the gym and how he was nervous to come up and talk to me..it kind of made me laugh a bit as I am really just a big dork who often trips over pebbles and snorts when she laughs....so the long and short of this is I have ALWAYS had confidence in the gym and felt like it was a place I felt true to myself....that is until a few months past.

I had struck up conversations with some trainers at my gym, one is a really gorgeous competitive body builder and she also is a trainer and the other was also in his time a body builder and now trainer. I train for my ultras and I also like to lift...I prefer muscles on my body and believe the reason I have never had muscle soreness or hardly any injuries running is because I strength train and I do it pretty hard core for my little self. I am often reminded by both other runners and friends who just lift that trying to build big muscles on my body while doing ultras is counter intuitive, to want huge quads and a J-LO butt when you run ultras well that is just wishful thinking...but I have tried nonetheless. I am also training for DR and that requires me to be able to carry my body weight for long distances...I need to have a strong grip and legs that will not crumble under weight and time on feet. I am like the little engine that could..I can go forever...I may not be the strongest in fact in comparing myself with other female DR athletes I would say pound for pound I would be pretty weak...in terms of most of them being able to bench press their body weight...well umm not even close on my end.....but the truth is I am tough..as Trooper Dave likes to say, "don't let her go all Cheshire cat on your ass..you will regret it"
I am like a tiny pissed off pocket book puppy, or a really nasty weasel...a fisher cat is what I liken myself to most (Dave continues to confuse a fisher cat with a Cheshire cat...and well both work equally well to prove my point so no worries there). I have different reasons for doing what I do in the gym...functional strength and muscles that do work not necessarily look good...when I am in the thick of ultra season I lean out...I look gaunt if I am not careful and in the past plummeted to 103...now I try to eat more and I have changed my training so as not to burn out my body and mind both physically and mentally...the thing is I started to take advice from these two trainers based not on what has worked for me the past 4 years but on what they train for....and I got very clouded and f'd

Now crossfit...I liked it....and yet...I didn't...the thing was I had my first injury EVER with weights...I f'd up my right shoulder so bad I could barely lift anything with my right arm the entire time I was going to CF..make that two months my friends...the pain was excruciating and it made it difficult to near impossible to enjoy what I was doing..running with log on that arm was so painful it made me want to leave log home! I could not press a 10 lb dumb bell with my right arm without pain and worse than pain a weakness I had never experienced before......it did not stop me from doing what needed to be done in terms of training but I was not happy anymore!!!! I dreaded heading there and instead of intensity written on my face there was discomfort and confusion....

So I stopped going to CF and I stopped going to my gym..for about 2 or 3 weeks I maybe made it to the gym once and spent most of the time doing light plyo stuff and training on the treadmill with the weighted vest...I felt my body turning mushy and my mind was just not as clear...the edges were a bit blurry....then last week Kev arrived and I got my tush out on the trails again. I had a 51 mile week and I although there was still lingering issues from Thanksgiving I was in a much better state of mind. When I told Roy how I let the words of people at the gym cause me to doubt myself he was shocked, but in hind site I think I understand why it happened...

I am the kind of person that is constantly questioning my own motives for doing what I do and I hold myself to a pretty high bar...I can't lie to me...some people can lie to themselves and all the people they love and do it pretty damn well... I on the other hand am an open book...I couldn't lie if I wanted to...so I think the past few months of uncertainty are the left overs of a pretty f'd up 2011. Seriously this year was pretty damn insane so there is really no wonder that I am questioning EVERYTHING on the cusp of the new year.

It is a good thing...I am back at the gym doing what has always worked for me and I have not felt this happy and strong in weeks. I would not have cycled back where I belong if i did not try something new and then ask myself those tough questions when i did not get what I wanted from the experience..asking myself why I am doing what I am doing and holding myself accountable to the choices I make will help me to come up with a plan for 2012..not a plan set in stone..I am far to silly at times to have a concrete plan...but an outline at least..an outline for the story that will be my training regime and my goals for the new year. I will take some of the things I learned through CF and incorporate them into my own training...my training is much like my cooking...I do not follow recipes to a T in fact I often add what ever is left over in the fridge into the recipe and make sure to throw in some cayenne pepper to give everything a bit of a kick....I get many compliments on my cooking so that seems to be working....the next time I have unsolicited advice I will just smile and say, "I will take that into consideration..thanks".

December 31, 2010 38 miles... December 4, 2011 38 miles

2011-12-05T13:46:00.002-05:00

I noticed tonight as I updated my daily mile with Saturday and Sunday's mileage that the month of December last year was a total of 38 miles and this year four days in and I have already reached that number...it forced me to take a moment to recall where I was this time last year and where I am now...and to reflect on the changes and how I feel about them. I am still thinking......

Friday night Kev, who is visiting from New Mexico, and I had a nice meal and relaxed and talked and were fast asleep by 8 so we could get up early and head to the Fells...Kev got to see the Tuggers (Steve, Dan and Em) and Norm was there as well as Paul L, Brenda M, Kevin M, Paul S...and I was so excited to see Stas (who ran up to the car to give me a great big bear hug when we arrived and I was bare bummed changing from sweats into my running shorts). I knew that the run would be tough as my mind has still been clouded as of late...I like to empty my mind when I run...and too many dark thoughts were there for me to have a sense of clarity and to reach that blissful state which for the most part is why I run in the first place.

Kev and I managed three loops and with close to over 6000 feet of elevation change (around 2000 per eight mile loop) I was feeling those three loops...we went out and back for a total of 26.2 but I had to call it quits as I was not in the mind set to run and I was getting frustrated by the thoughts that were weighing my body down....at one point along the course I stopped and just lost it for a minute or two...I cried a bit...then when we came in after the second loop to see Em, Dan and Steve standing there and clapping...well my armour came loose a bit and I needed two hugs from Em...ans she held my hugs tight...I just looked at Dan and said it has been a tough week and he said "I know" but you won't let that happen ever again....and I knew in my heart he was right..

We left and headed to Whole Foods in Sudbury to buy some lunch and then a quick stop at Starbucks and we were back at the tree fort. I slipped into pj's and plooped down and we ate and talked a bit...I was not in a good place..my body was tired...more than it should have been from only a marathon under our belts...and my heart was heavy.

On the course I yelled at him at one point...Kev was trying to get me to do the fourth loop..to be a positive amongst the clouds surrounding my head...and I reacted by yelling "I do not need a cheerleader" It is funny as Kev has stayed by me and held my hand both in real time and figuratively for the better part of three years...he has loved me and asked nothing in return...I do not deserve this kind of devotion but I am so very grateful for it...he has a piece of my heart and always will...and the man in my life will always need to understand and accept this....

I did not want to go out...I wanted to stay home and wallow...Kev left and headed off to Julie's. I was on the fence about just crawling into bed and closing my eyes...then Roy called and we talked. We had not been talking for a bit...we had another one of our arguments (if you call it that as it is hard to define) we frustrate one another because we are brutally honest and say things that we do not want to hear...this can lead to some pain and anger. The thing about Roy and I is when it is good it is amazing and when we close down and close off from one another it is really really bad. Saturday night we had one of those talks that is just so amazingly honest and yet positive for both of us...sharing what had happened over the Thanksgiving weekend with Roy was so helpful..as he had been there from the start and had witnessed all that was done to me....instead of judging me..he just listened : ) and that was the best gift he could ever have given me...Roy holds me to things that others do not...I can get so angry at him that I see red and blow my stack and yet we seem to never be able to let one another fade from the others life....he made sure I got my ass off the couch and in the shower and head off to this party as he knew it would do me good to be amongst friends...

Trooper Dave has been adopted into the Tuggers just because well...he is Trooper Dave..there is not a single person on this planet who when meeting T. Dave for the first time will not fall in love with him : ) He is the kind of person that deserves to win Megabucks...and he has been a real help with my anxiety and stress..he calms me and helps me to work through how I react to stress...he is my living stress ball...

So T. Dave arrived and we headed off to Julie's and right when we arrived I knew it was the best thing for me to have done....The atmosphere, the people, the music and the kids well they lifted my spirits...excellent food, a living room full of guitars and singers, children and pups running around...Kev and T. Dave and Julie and I talking running...and then just sitting and talking life with Julie with amazing melodies being sung ten feet away and the warmth of the stove......oh she and I are so very alike...she is just further along and at a place that I would one day like to be....she has been here for the entire saga of the past year and will continue to be here while I try to FIGURE IT OUT....

to think I was willing a second time to give up these people....I am disgusted and ashamed with me....but at the same time I am going to try to be kind to me and not beat myself up...this time it will end with healing and not a wound just covered up with a band aid.... 2011 is almost over and I can look back on it as filled with growth and forgiveness and forward motion...2012...well I have no idea what it has in store for me....but there is something about a blank slate that makes me smile...what colors will I choose to dip my brush in..ah the unlimited possibilities....will I f up? Of course! I am a bit of a hot mess and well maybe it is time to embrace this part of me..I can't be that bad if you look at the people who choose to call me their friend...

The Fells...memories past

2011-12-02T12:28:00.002-05:00

The Fells races are connected to some of the people I love and respect the most. I remember one of the first training runs I did there with Kev, Dan and Nipmuck Dave and I think Em was there over 2 or almost 3 years ago. I remember running a loop of the fells race that year with Kev and we talked about nutrition, health and wellness for the entire loop and then an email from Kev opened the door to a friendship that has seen me through some of the toughest situations I have experienced to date. I remember the winter fells race two (or is it three years now) when I crossed the finish line to find out I made the WS100 lottery. The trails make me think of Bogie and how there is no one like him and how much I appreciate his quirky sense of humor. I remember sitting in Steve P's car after one race waiting for Kev and we talked about my cancer and his sisters death and then a few days later I received a beautiful email from his wife Deb that cemented my respect and love for them. I remember Steve "The Bard" L's video of his last loop of the course the year I dropped after three loops..he continued on being one of the last ones out there on the course in the cold and dark and snow that video not only made me crack up but it placed him in a category of toughness that I could only dream of aspiring to...so many amazing people I have run those trails with...it is a blessing the fells is this weekend....
Kev is home for the week visiting from N. Mexico and we will be running the Fells Saturday together....let me tell you it could not have happened at a better time...I need him here to laugh at the absurdity of the situation..I need the race to see old friends and be surrounded by light and love....I need Julie's party Saturday night... I have lost a little bit of faith in humanity this week....but knowing me I will bounce back pretty quick..I am like Tigger...I bounce...it is just what I do...

I could have been easier on you.......

2011-11-30T10:28:00.002-05:00

.....the chorus of a beautiful song on my newest mixed CD...I love the song...and I realized this morning on my way to work when I sang along I was really singing this to myself. I have tried for the past year to move on and to forgive myself and every time I came close I WAS PULLED BACK IN and reminded of what I did and what I could have had but had given up....

My blog has been a place where I have been very open about what goes on in my life. For this latest chapter I will be silent...for the most part...but I need closure in my own way so here is the one blog post about this....

There is the truth and no in between...there are two people who know the truth...sadly there are times when a person will choose to lie to others and even themselves because they are confused or afraid....and my heart goes out to them......life is scary, full of uncertainty, sadness and guilt...we all face it every day....but the key is to be bigger than the fear...find your joy and grab onto it and bask in it.... roll around in it like a dog in fresh cut grass....like a child in a pile of leaves...lick the frosting off the whisk and laugh when someone says you have chocolate on your face....

Friends expect me to show more anger than I am....they say, "what was done to you.there is no excuse for it...it was reprehensible" and my answer....of course it was!!!! I am not a buddah I have a heart...what happened to me well people would cringe to hear of it....but the truth is I have suffered far worse in my life and I always come out a little bit better for it...stronger. I am lucky enough to know who I am and where I am going. I know my bliss.

Friends wonder how I can sit by and let people lie about what happened and make it seems as if I was the shark circling...smelling blood just waiting to move in...my response: two people know the entire truth and a few innocents had to sadly witness most of it as well.....I will choose to keep silent when the lies are thrown out against me...this is because I am strong....I have no need to lie as I am not afraid.
Those who know me know the truth and those who don't well what they think does not matter...
.
and if it ever comes to the point where I need to dispel lies because they hurt people I love or they cause people I love and respect to think ill of me...the truth...the story of the past year.... it exists in a folder on a desktop labeled PERSONAL and on a phone under a file called SAVED...It's funny because until three months ago I never knew you could save text messages.....

and that my friends is the END

Never not broken

2011-11-27T21:26:00.004-05:00

A prism hanging in the window...the sun enters....painfully bright... multi colored shards bounce off the wall and the person seated on the couch lost in thought...

I played hobo as a child. Packed a lunch in a kerchief and wrapped it around a stick and would walk along the rail road tracks from Chelmsford to Carlisle...or I was an orphaned polar bear running away from the evil zoo keepers...or I was just Mishy...and had no particular thoughts except to be weary of the water snakes that sometimes sunned themselves on the tracks...

Tchad was hot...my home was mud and shit and straw...my body was weak and I woke up covered in sweat thinking bugs were stinging every surface of my body...I left the hut and walked 5 miles in the pitch black as I had no oil in my lamp and I could not organize coherent thoughts enough to find the headlamp at the bottom of my pack...I remember thinking what if a hippo kills me...who will laugh and who will cry...who will take a bite of their sandwich and just shrug...

At one time I lived in a tiny story book cottage in Pepperell..the last house before NH....my home abutted the Beaver Brook Reservation and I would run and walk the trails pretty much everyday...The man I lived with started out as my love but grew into my friend....he made me smile..he wanted to wear a man skirt like Harvey Keitel in the piano and he looked like an otter...I liked his two front teeth and his laugh and his long funny fingers and toes. He played drums in a band and they practiced in a studio he fixed up in our basement...I was 30 and working on two masters..one at Lesley College (at the time) and one at Fitchburg State..I had no time to breathe let alone realize the stress of working full time and school and the commute was spoon feeding those cancerous cells in my cervix....I would return home from class usually around 9:30..I smoked then...he did not know....I was a closet smoker..I would look through the basement window and light an American Spirit and lean my back against the house near the rose trellis and breath in and watch the night enfold and listen to the music escape the rectangular panes and drift into the starry sky.....I would for a time forget myself...

I once took the kids to an indoor water park off of route 2....on the way home I took back roads just because I wanted to introduce them to the idea of the blue highways...and the concept of the adventure drives....we were listening to one of the mixed Cd's that Dan made for me while he was in Bakina Faso... I spoke aloud what I was feeling silently in my heart...that I love to listen to these songs as they remind me of Dan.....V who is so intuitive knew there was a story to be told and asked me about Dan...I shared the story of our friendship and how I believe he watches out for me.....it started to rain...hard...as we came near Princeton, where Dan used to live, it subsided and then we saw it..I think it was A. who noticed it first... a double rainbow...perfect..cars were stopping and people got out to take pictures on their phone...but I just continued on...

epiphany...a word I want to use in a sentence..but have yet to do so....

California..... running to Auburn....ten hours into the race...I enter the canyons and I am alone. I am sick altitude and heat and my body being broken have brought me to the brink of collapse and missing the cut off. The canyons maybe the most difficult part of the race and it is here that I need to make up time...I run with my heart and close my mind to the pain...I hear it below me..in the brush and the trees...something is following me...immediately I think mountain lion....I am so scared my stomach clenches and I feel no sourness just cold...I yell to the thing that follows me and I run faster than I have ever run with a body that has not had food and barely any water for over 10 hours...when I finally catch up to a group of runners I have closed the gap..I will meet the cutoff time...at least for now....fear was my pacer...

I have a mirror in my apartment...it is warped and old but beautiful in its scalloped frame. I look at my body in this mirror and sometimes I see its strength and I am thankful for what it can do and other times I just stick out my tongue and walk away.....

W. said she was a vampire and bit my neck and arm...little bites with her tiny teeth...little hands and feet monkey like...running over to me she says "smell my breath" and I lean forward and she blows her breath into my mouth and nose..I never hesitate...she says "I smell like peppermint" and she does....her sister says you two look so much alike...I feel the pain...it is sharp and quick like a knife that leaves only a drop of blood..

I love his hands...strong...my hands look delicate when they are resting in his..

I stand on the very edge of the dock and if I lean back too far and fall in I will probably drown.....I close my eyes and lean back because for the moment I feel like I am flying....

I am never not broken......

Thoughts on running in my back yard, taking rocks for a stroll and Betrayal...

2011-11-23T15:44:00.003-05:00

This past weekend I was SUPPOSED to have my bum out of bed at 3:45 to make it to Lynn Woods for a 5am start time of the Nougat 100k. My body had other plans. When I went to bed the pain was pretty overwhelming and I could not sleep. When the alarm went off I knew I was not getting up and turned it off and went back to sleep. 6:30 I woke up on my own accord. A little after 7am I was on the trails of Callahan running....slow but feeling pretty good. I played around on the trails doing loops. I had to run back to my apartment at one point and strip off two layers...It was November and I was running with shorts and a tank top! I was following the pink tape of the Busa Bushwack named after Rich Busa an amazing trail runner in his eighties who is a major figure head in the trail running community (he most recently ran Stone Cat).

It was my plan to just run the trails and then stop when the race started and cheer runners on as they headed out over Edmands Road and then run to the finish line to cheer runners on there as well and then run some more. The race started at 9 and by 9:30 I was in the Edmands parking lot with Wendy who was taking pictures of all the runners as they headed up the pipeline trail right around mile 2.5...it was so nice to see Wendy and then all the familiar faces who ran by yelling "Michelle why aren't you running" and "where is log?" Dan was there and ran up to me and took my picture haha then a quick hug and he was off. I ran to the 9 mile mark and stood up on a bench and cheered on the runners passing by then booked it to the school to see everyone cross the finish line..

I got about 20 in for the day then headed off to Wachusetts to do some hiking with heavy things.I did a repeat with weighted vest and log and a repeat with weighted vest and bag of rocks...the weight was about 50 lbs with the vest and rocks and it was tough...I did not drop rocks like I did at Monadnock but brought them back down with me...I felt it in my bum and quads later that night so I knew I took the right amount of rocks for a walk : )

I am happy with my training at this point...I have been doing this stuff for years so don't feel the need to be obsessive about training..overnights are good but for me there is no need to do so many this far out from DR to prepare. I have years of them under my belt and truthfully I need a good nights sleep ; ) I need to focus more on the swimming and time on feet for McNaughton....

I am going into DR2012 far better prepared physically and emotionally. Last year I went into DR with a broken heart and on the tail end of some serious health stuff...this year well let's just say I am feeling pretty positive about many things....in fact I feel downright giddy...I have spent the last year trying to deal with my loss through this blog....the past two weeks it seems like all that I have endured the past year and all the changes I made emotionally and physically have brought me to this moment in time...and I feel like I have a second chance and we can all agree that second chances are rare indeed....when you have the opportunity for one you need to close your eyes.. smile and jump!

The only problem is...before you jump make sure that someone filled the swimming pool with water!!!!

It is funny as 2012 is the year of Betrayal...hahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha jokes on me ; )

Monadnock Hike

2011-11-21T06:47:00.008-05:00

I have always loved Southern New Hampshire. When I owned a small little cottage abutting the Beaver Brook reservation in Pepperell back in 1999...I spent hours running those trails or heading out on adventure drives on the back roads Southern NH. The first time I stumbled on Hollis NH with its numerous apple orchards and farm stands and then Mason NH's Parkers Maple Barn I knew I was deeply and madly in love and I would always dream of living there. I have had this plan to open a trail running lodge...to find a place along the Wapack or Monadnock Sunapee or Metacomet Monadnock trail system and have an old school lodge with a huge fire place, no television, outdoor fire pit and Swedish sauna...no frills just comfortable...with an honor system bar filled with Berkshire Brewing Company Growlers and big family style breakfast...I would still teach and or a least tutor and the lodge would be open on weekends and holidays..all year round with snowshoeing and cross country skiing as well as a lodge "race" and just long group runs.

Two weekends ago I went back to S. New Hampshire, Jaffrey to be specific, to train with Jeff and Bruce and their friend Mike along with T.K. The plan was to hike Monadnock and Bruce and Jeff has a little extra surprise for me as I missed the last DR camp. TK and I arrived first and I had not seen him since DR...the thing about us is we can bust each others balls with ease...when the other guys arrived and we had finished our brief intros to T. the guys pulled out a bucket of rocks and a pillow case...I exchanged some toys bought for the outer limits fitness Christmas drive and in return I got a pillow case filled with rocks...hahahaha seems fitting...

We started the hike and moved through the parking lot towards the cliff walk trail which I realized I had never done before which was surprising because I have trained on Monadnock quite a bit. I had to stop and regrip the pillow case a few times and I realized I would have to dump a rock or two as the guys may have overestimated my strength. I took out two big rocks and although it was still heavy I felt like it was a perfect balance of "suck" and "achievable". I was looking forward to the hike. Meeting Bruce and Jeff at the start of DR last year and sitting with them in the front pews and then getting to know them more so through their camp and meeting Sheri has been one of the best perks of DR. Mike and I did the first Outer Limits DR camp together and were buddied up for many of the tasks and he helped me immensely with the wood chopping..he is a funny guy who I immediately felt at ease with and I knew TK would fit right in with these three as he is a hardcore like the brothers but yet very humble and has his head on straight.

The ground was muddy and my brand new sneaks were immediately inundated with muddy water...what the hell did I expect? The hike was not easy but then again it was not "difficult" I got a unique sense of just how much my fitness level has changed since this time last year. I am bigger and stronger and although I have always been able to run forever without aches and pains now I can carry the extra weight on my frame...I have started to be more about functional strength and endurance and less about how muscle looks on my body. The weight gain has been a real boon and my quads have a few inches on them since this time last year. Overall I have never been in better shape on the cusp of my 42nd year...a few more wrinkles yep but I can deal with that : ) smile lines give me character hahaha

I had one or the other brother with me for the start just gabbing about DR and some ideas they and Sheri have to get me back at a camp. Then the four guys started to set a good pace...I was behind them but at each trail intersection I would get to drop one of the rocks. I also had a fair stretch up to the summit to hike with TK and talk..we have always kept in contact via txt and email but this was the first time we had been able to talk and of course it was filled with humor and busting on one another. I did happen to pull a few dumb blond moments and make some references about spitting and swallowing that were related to the snot that was flowing freely out of my nose and yet sounded too good for the guys not to rank on me... I have always appreciated guy humor and it is safe to say I am not easily offended..in fact I can't imagine myself really getting offended by much...TK and I have always tended to call each other names that would not be appropriate to banter about in many situations...but on a hike with Mike, Bruce and Jeff and it was easy to fall back to the old banter. We talked about some serious stuff too........it felt good to see him...my body got a great work out but so did my heart...I have used the word broken to describe me..but that day I left feeling stronger than I have felt in ages..I realized I am not the broken one....and it made me finally forgive myself for things I was always told I did...when in truth I was never guilty of those things.

At the summit I had four rocks left..and I built a little cairn...then we got to the top..the brothers took off and TK, Mike and I talked a bit then TK took off and I had such an enjoyable hike down with Mike and I talking snack food the entire way...A most excellent day for mind body and heart...

Stone cat

2011-11-08T07:34:00.002-05:00

I love this pic of Julie and I pre race at Stonecat...because that smile came from my tummy and burst out of me like a big loud laugh...when I walked into that gym Saturday morning at 5:30 it felt like coming home...

I have NEVER felt this way about a group of people like I do the TUGGERS and the Trail Animals and every single individual I have ever met through trail running. There are no "clicks". Every person on the trails...fast, slow, mid pack...they are all .running the same trails..sharing the same aid table pretzels and coke....wearing the same tec wicking T-shirts from their favorite races or their running groups...GACers and Striders and WMACers and so many other New England race series....it does not matter in the end because every 50 mile finisher at Stonecat walked away with that gorgeous jacket whether it took them 8 hours, 10 hours or 12 hours to cross that finish line...

(Tuggers: Dan, Steve, Rob, Julie, me..Em was in the potty and Bill was sick...Kev was in New Mexico sending all his positive thoughts)

I mentioned how Stonecat felt like coming home..it is difficult for me to express just how much the ultra and trail running community in New England and beyond (big shout out to those out west Kev, Steve and Deb, Garry and Nancy and Bogie, Sherpa John and Bob Crowley who is bicoastal). I feel a part of something far bigger than me when I run these races...when you see runners like Norm and Chris H volunteering their time when they can run that course hours faster than me..when you see Josh K finishing his fourth loop when you are out on your second and yet he takes the time to give you a big hello, when you cross the finish line and Melanie is there to hand each and every finisher their jacket....when Julie runs across that finish line in the cold darkness with Steve by her side and I know her tootsies are frozen from river crossings in shoes that did not release the water..to see her hubby Dave and her three kids waiting in the cold and dark for their superstar mummy .....when Rob battles through the rocks and roots of those trails to grab his first ever 50 mile finish....these people who do not boast..who do not step on others to rise up but would give you the shirt off their back to see you succeed..well this is the family I am proud to say I am a member of..and at times I wonder if I am even worthy..I know that I continue to strive to be....

Picking Battles

2011-11-07T06:57:00.008-05:00

You need to learn to pick your battles

In life you can't let fear of conflict stop you from taking a stand but at the same time you need to be aware of why you are really choosing to fight for something.

In terms of teaching I pick my battles based on fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves..it is about what is in the best interest of my students. In my family I chose not to fight but instead to be a deserter. In terms of love well the one man who was willing to fight along side me I failed to see as an ally so I am still working on that aspect. In terms of friendships I have strong alliances with people I know have my back.

How do you know who is really on your side? You can focus on strategy and ask yourself what does this person have to gain from choosing your side? Is the person who blindly follows you and agrees to your every command a true ally or is it the one who disagrees with you..who takes the opposing side... are they less of an ally for standing up to you because they believe strongly that you are wrong? What is there ultimate goal..what do they stand to gain or lose and how do you fit into their strategy?

I have this thing with passive aggressive people...those people who have to have one up man ship..who have such low self esteem they will do everything possible to point out your foibles to take the spotlight away from their own. The worst kind of weakness is the person who stands on the back of others to gain attention. I had a wonderful conversation last week with Julie. She is an old soul and very wise...from what I know about Buddhism she would be a Bhikshu who lives on a mountain side running up and down the mountain and spouting wisdom with a slight air of witty "let's not take ourselves too seriously now" kick ass attitude. She and I were talking about how to deal with the friend who is worse than an enemy. The so called friend who prays for your downfall on a very personal level..an almost obsessive need to witness your destruction..this is a very scary person because they play the perfect compatriot...they fool many people and infiltrate your inner circle and unlike the outward impersonal horrors of battle..they poison from within..they gain your trust only to when the time is right strike you down...

When can you use the term obsession? I have come to believe you can when someone tries to insert themselves in everything that is yours..everything that you love..they MUST be a part of..they must do it better...they must make more noise..they must have lots of positive feedback because their sense of self comes from without and not within....obsessive behavior...I am just so sick of it...so this week end I gave up something I really enjoy just so I would not have to see a person who is starting to make me feel very uncomfortable...after talking with friends who know of the situation they agreed this was a battle that was not worth picking...they said retreating was the smart choice...but how long can I do this...retreat from the things I love because this person has infiltrated every aspect of my life? At what point to I stand my ground and fight? As a woman it is hard to make this decision because although I am strong fear creeps in...what kind of person acts so obsessively? And to what extent will they go to take from you all that you love?

A kinda sorta race report?

2011-10-28T09:23:00.003-04:00

The Ghost Rail Ultra gave me an opportunity to see just how fast I could run an ultra. I went for the 22 hour finish pace of 13 minute miles for the 100 and kept that pace easily up until the end of the fourth loop where I gave my feet a break and walked a bit. My splits for the 15 mile out and backs were:

Start time 9 am

Loop 1- 11:40 left for loop 2 at noon

Loop 2- 2:49 left for loop 3 at 3:00

Loop 3- 6:12 left for loop 4 at 6:40

Loop 4- 10:15

60 mile complete in 13:15...with 15 miles basically walking : )

My plan was to walk/run for miles 60 to 90 to give my feet a break and also because it was really dark and the rocks and roots were covered by the leaves. The last 15 miles I would push for a finish time of 7 am.

I would end at 105 miles. I was on pace for a 22 hour but would have been fine with any finish under 24 hours : )

Turns out that I did not expect the 36 degree overnight temperatures in southern NH and I did not bring pants and did not wear my hat nor gloves nor warm undershirt when I went out for the fourth loop. By the time I finished 60 miles at 10:15 my core was frozen. I was not shaking which is a BAD sign…when you shake it warms your body up. I took off all my clothes and wrapped myself in a blanket and blasted the heat. I was going to take ten minutes to warm up my body but silly me I fell asleep for two hours. Now I should have gone back out there. I still could have blasted out a midnight to nine am 40 mile run…9 hours is doable. Instead my body revolted and said no f’in way....even with the body weight up from 107 to 110 (sometimes after wings 112) I still can't handle the cold. my immune system is compromised and I have low red blood cell count (Anemia, low hemoglobin, low hematocrit). This causes the following things to happen: I fatigued easily and feel weak and at times when I am very cold or my body is taxed I become short of breath. I can experience headaches(but I do rarely) and chest pain which was one thing that happened at DR...I suffered what I thought was a mini heart attack on the ride off the mtn. My skin becomes very pale...add to this hypothermia which is a problem I face often on overnight runs or anything that involves prolonged wet conditions. The thing abut the red blood cells is they carry the oxygen and nutrients throughout my body. Less red blood cells means less oxygen and nutrients make it to the cells to provide energy..in terms of a long endurance event this can become a serous problem. After WS100 they did test on me in the medical tent and the doctor came over with my results and said "What the hell are you doing out there? You just ran 70 miles? You should not be able to make it 10 miles.." He had given me a complete blood count. A (CBC) is a blood test used to check your blood count specifically the the RBC, hemoglobin, and hematocrit are tests to see if you have low red blood count. Normal Adult females should fall in the following ranges:

RBC 4.2 - 5.4 M/ul

Hemoglobin (HgB) 12 - 16 g/dL

Hematocrit (Hct) 37 - 47%

My results are so wildly off (but not appropriate to put on my blog) let's just say it is amazing I can do what I do. Changing my diet from vegetarian for 20 something years to a full blown carnivore was an absolute must, as was training less and taking longer rest times..basically just being smart. Now I was NOT smart when I went back out without my hat and gloves and warm clothes....I just tend not to think of anything but that exact present moment in time when I am competing. I need a support person on hand and they need to know what I tend to do and they need to be strong enough to force me to take clothes or basically just dress me and shove food down my throat as I also tend to have my digestive system shut down after 50 miles and I forget at time to eat and or drink..and for the first 50 miles I tend to crave fat and chocolate (that is why I subsisted for 50 miles on peanut butter balls with chocolate bits).

When I ran with Kev he always has extra clothes in his pack I can borrow, but in terms of Dave pacing me he had never supported or paced someone in this long of a run so was unsure of what his focus should be. He said he thought I would be cold but never spoke up as we headed back out. He will come to Tire Guys with me so he can pace at Stonecat and he said he will wear a pack with an extra long sleeve shirt, hat and gloves just in case.

In terms of DR2012 Dave has offered to support me and basically stay with me for most of the race carrying food and water..Grace's husband and Hobie's brother did that and it seemed to be a big help..if the weather is kind I won't need it but if it is cold and rainy I will....a huge problem at DR2011 was I had no dry or warm clothes after the overnight and no food for a long period of time and at one point when we came out of the river I after a long cold night I had no food and no water!!! DR was so different than an ultra I think my support was just unsure what they needed to do...add in freezing cold rain and they were cold and tired as well. Well lessons learned will be taken into next year's DR....but more importantly lessons will be used to finish the McNaughton 500...I really really really want to finish : ) and I think a diet of peanut butter balls and and hot pants and tank tops is not going to equal success : )

.

Rail Trails, Peanutbutter balls, the Po Po and Akhilandeshvari...

2011-10-26T12:25:00.002-04:00

I ran the Ghost Trail Ultra this weekend and much of the time on the trail was spent in constant forward motion at a very set pace between 10 and 12 minute miles. I had lots of time to think. I ate far too many peanut butter balls at the out and back aid stations but a jar of peanut butter aside I felt strong, cold. but strong.

When I was not dreaming of peanut butter and chocolate I was thinking about men. I was thinking about the men in my life now and the ones that have long since moved on....

After the race I had a phone conversation with Kev. I was trying to explain what was going on with me. I was in the process of making a big decision to move on from a relationship I had had in my life that was not moving forward just backwards and therefore was not helping me to grow but instead to remain stuck in place. I was trying to explain why at this point in time and with this person I was unable to generate any forward motion. I was trying to explain why I thought I had had such a difficult time making strong connections with men. The simplest way to explain what was going on was to say….I am broken…..there was no drama behind this statement….I said it with the same intonation I would if someone asked me my height or weight. “I am 41 years old, five feet four inches tall, I weigh one hundred and nine pounds, I have blond hair and green eyes and I am broken…”

My heart broke and I never really had the opportunity to heal and so the heart led to the soul and the soul to the actual body and then I shattered. The conversation seemed dark but there is a silver lining....I am slowly finding ways to glue these broken pieces of me back together. And I am finding that you can barely see the lines left behind once the shards are pieced together with the gorilla glue. Truthfully some of these lines that can be seen... well they give me character.... like a plate I once found at a yard sale. It was a dinner plate from Italy. It had gorgeous red, orange, and yellow flowers on it...colors of Tuscany...obviously the plate was glued together....and I thought that this plate was loved so much that someone took the time to glue it when it shattered. I thought this plate was breathtaking. When I placed it on a plate rack on my wall in my old apartment in Groton I found myself walking by and catching the bright yellow or red hues and stopping a moment to admire the colors. In terms of relationships I can only hope that someone some day will find my glued cracks to be the same...and they will think "how compellingly flawed, so vibrantly eschew....so brilliantly off center" and they will sigh and think....her imperfections are breathtaking.

KZ sent me a link... about a blog...this woman speaks of an Indian Goddess called Akhilandeshvari she writes that “Ishvari” in Sanskrit means "goddess" and “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, she writes this goddess is......The Always Broken Goddess....I read on. She shares that this goddess is not broken as in weak..but instead her strength is in her ability to tear apart the things in life that stagnate us...those things that we return to again and again and never seem to give us bliss but slowly suck the life from us.....oh how this spoke to me...to have the strength to break the chains to relationships or habits that we repeat over and over again but they just take us two steps backwards instead of a step forward. I consider myself courageous on many fronts and weak and pathetic on an equal number...but lately I have decided to break those binds from my past all in one fell swoop...like an ax splitting through a log as if it was butter I am slicing away at the people and practices that are keeping me from moving forward.

I laugh at myself...I always do..I find inconsistencies my weaknesses my silly absurdities deserving of a good hard laugh. It is one of the things that people have told me they like about me...I call myself out on the carpet...I can take myself very seriously at times but I love a person who can bring me back to planet earth...who pulls the chair out form under me..who hits the back of my knees so I fall to the floor...I need it and I appreciate it equally in a friend or a partner.. This weekend I fell asleep for two hours when I was supposed to take a 10 minute warm up break in the car..naked and covered in my peanut butter balls I threw in the towel and gave up at 60 miles driving home through the dark cold back roads of southern NH. I was pulled over...a speeding car late at night through a small town will have that result....naked except a blanket dirty, desheleved, tired and sticky with peanut butter and chocolate I had a flashlight shined on my face and instead of being worried..I just let what ever happen happen...a warning... a smile... a shake of the head and that was that....I thought to myself at that very moment I am living life exactly how I wish to...why would I waste a single moment doing anything other than that...

Ultras....Hot Yoga....Crossfit....Weights..my head is spinning

2011-10-19T13:25:00.003-04:00

Last weekend I decided to go to Julie's Bday 40 m fatass over the VT hike. I am glad that I made that decision and it should have been a given...how could I ever have missed such a wonderful day with Julie...we talked for like 6 hours straight : ) I miss the Tuggers...I would like to see them more because they are kind, good people with huge hearts who have been there for me for the past few years when I needed friends to lean on. Still my life then was all about running races...Stonehead three years running says something...yes it says I am dedicated but it also said I didn't have much of a life or I am obsessive compulsive : ) I want BALANCE and today I can say in terms of training I am more balanced...still I spend far too much time training when I should be devoting myself to personal relationships...especially the romantic kind...my needle is stuck on that record and it just keeps playing the same chorus over and over again.. and although I would love to move back..you can't do that...so I need someone or something to help nudge my record player forward...I believe that what I truly want may come to pass if I just have faith...but until then I need to focus on making my life more even keeled.

I am working hard to do this. Last weekend I got in a cross fit and hot yoga class Saturday and lots of errands were done and I had a nice meal and relaxed with a good book and felt on top of my game for Julie's run. Now one week later I am poised to run a 100 miles Saturday through Sunday night and I am going for 22 hours and I feel like my body has had adequate rest top achieve this goal. It is all about balance (this should be my next tat after Reckless abandon).

I have a few guys from DR 2011 (Tom L, John M, Dennis and Jay) whom I really respect and connect with. They tend to do their own thing but will join in with a group when it fits. All four men have gf's or wives and jobs and 2/4 have kids in their lives....they seem to have a pretty good balance in terms of life and training...I have no one to answer to but me...I go home to an empty apartment and all my time (outside of teaching) can be devoted to training...but there is no real balance....I benefited from having Tom's kids in my life as they gave me an a window into what is important...bath time with Weenie was pretty funny and how can I say a gym workout was worth more in the grander scheme of things than bubble bath and bath toys?

I sent an email to John M today. He owns his own Crossfit place with his wife. The two of them are pretty amazing...John gave me some great advice in terms of balancing my training...he cautioned that I was trying to do too much and that I had a\can't or should not (although I think I do) have a very unforgiving and or inflexible schedule in terms of training..he stressed to listen to my body. Sometimes I think I train so much because it keeps me busy and I don't have to think about my health or my love life or my family issues...I just close my mind off from it all and get shit done...but at what cost? Is this the way to a successful and blissful 500 miles? To a finish at DR? When is something just too much? Is it bad to use training to push your body past its limits over and over again? What is my ultimate goal in all of this? Yes to finish the 500 and DR but REALLY why do I do what I do? It has a lot to do with my health issues...I kind of think these goals are the strongest medicine in my fight...and yet when does it become about the finish instead of the journey...when I get caught up in it all who is there to kick my ass back to earth...who is there beside me to celebrate these goals....lots to think about...or maybe I think too much.....

Acidoticracing

2011-10-19T12:35:00.002-04:00

Me and Michael St Hilaire at the finish...his wife snapped this photo of him holding up a twig to my log. What a great couple. I am always excited to meet new people out on the trails. It is funny because Micheal, unbeknowst to me, then took this pic and posted it to his racing team site and said they should get me to race for them and then a DR guy saw this somehow and posted it to the Spartan DR FB site...you need to be aware of the many facets of FB lol luckily this was a positive thing although people who don't know me may think I am either a crank, an ass or a bragger...

I think the idea of racing for a team is pretty cool although I know nothing about it. I consider my racing to be uber personal. I am and always will be just Michelle (and there is no real way to define that...except maybe hot mess lol) and I don't necessarily want to define myself by the things I do or the people I do them with....but in all truth I do define or label or connect or consider ultra running to be an integral part of who I am (don't get me wrong in terms of this post, this not a post against being part of a team or a particular type of racing style or pursuit...this is just about me trying to figure out me). I love DR, but not so much the "Spartan" aspect of it...in truth would rather it had stayed a low key under the radar Peak race than become the Spartan Death Race dadadadummmmmmmm...

I have no desire to do Spartan sprints, or Tough Mudders or any of that stuff as there are WAY too many people and much too much hoopla for me...I would get too anxious with all that...and I like that DR is a multi day race..that better suits me. Everyone involved in these types of races and activities (To many people DR is considered the pinnacle of these obstacle type races) are there for different reasons, and one reason is in no way shape or form better than another. What I am coming to realize is that my reasons for doing DR don't always mesh with others and when I get caught up in another person's training style, schedule, or expectations I am really only moving farther and farther away from my own personal goals which are to finish the Peak 500 and finish DR2012. I love to fast pack and hike and sometimes like to go lite while other times I like to bring a full pack or wear my weighted vest or carry a rock and I love to do overnights, but it is important to note that overnights tax the body...I know this because I have done them for over 20 years..starting way back when I was in college and a big fastpacker and backpacker.

I know I can do an overnight with ease and I know I can stay on my feet for over 24 hours and still stay pretty lucid and focused on the task at hand. I need to pick and choose my overnights as they sap the energy from me both from a health perspective and also sadly an age perspective. I am not an old lady by far but there is a difference with a 25 year old and a 42 year old...it is what it is...I can't train as much with that high level of intensity as I did in the past..I want to do way too many things now and can't just spend all my free time running..I have to train smarter especially with my ultimate goal for 2012 being the Peak 500. In terms of training for Peak one weekend a month would be better spent running 5 hours Friday after school then eating a nice dinner with a book and a glass of wine....sleeping 7 hours then running 10 hours Saturday going out to eat with friends Saturday night then sleeping 7 hours getting up having a nice morning doing errands then running 5-7 hours Sunday and hitting the sheets early Sunday night. Overnights are awesome and fun but they tax the body. I know how my body reacts to being submerged in freezing cold water and I have experienced hypothermia...I know that it is often a crap shoot in terms of whether my body can deal with 24 hours straight of being soaking wet and freezing..I have low body fat, a small frame, a compromised immune system and an alarmingly low red blood cell count..that equals being fucked when wet and cold. I know what I need to wear to combat that and what nutrition I need to take in to make sure I have energy to burn to warm myself up and keep trucking..whether or not all the pieces come together... you can't always control for it...but at this point I have experienced enough ultras in the pouring rain and freezing temps to not need an overnight that involves water in October : ) the exception would be the Outer Limits training as they have people on hand if I get to cold I can jump in a car and heat up. So although I think it is pretty cool to be part of a team..I already define myself as a Tugger first and foremost but also a Trail Animal (loud animal yelp inserted here).

Reflections on the Tarc Fall Classic and other stuff

2011-10-13T10:58:00.002-04:00

Not having Internet in my tree fort can be a bit of a drag...still I enjoy my time at the Marlborough Starbucks...I get a black eye with sugar free vanilla and steamed nonfat milk and settle down to do bills or work on curriculum or document my work outs. My phone has Internet and so most of my emails and any FB stuff is done through that...still I can't always get to the DR New England and Spartan DR page through my phone to see what the heck is going on in terms of training or updates from Andy or just some of the funny posts people do...still I like that my abode lacks Internet and television..it is quiet there and I love to read so it is cool...just finished the Sex Lives of Cannibals a very funny read and now I am starting Eat My Globe..that falls under a kind of adventure genre for food lovers.

This past weekend was great as I had a professional day Friday at school and then Monday off...got a great deal of stuff done in terms of curriculum and then headed home for the night to partake in lots of relaxing activities like hitting the gym to work shoulders...hard...before a 50k race where I am carrying my log..on my shoulders...then hitting Whole Foods and overeating and drinking too many glasses of wine when I am recovering from the flu and have a stomach filled with post nasal drip...so it was no wonder on Saturday I felt like crap.

I love the TARC races I consider myself a trail animal and a tugger and I love representing these two groups although tuggers are a quiet humble group...they have the heart of a lion and I am proud to be one of the original group members. I knew I would see some tuggers: Em, Dan, Rob were running and Bill H was volunteering as well as Dima after his amazing race in Italy. I was psyched to see the RD's Bob C and Josh K, great guys, as well as "running peeps" new and old acquaintances....those smiling lovable characters known as ultra runners who like to spend a gorgeous Saturday running around the woods in a great big circle : ) I finally talked with Michael of Acidotic Racing and Dan C was there representing in his DR bib...awesome... it was Trooper Dave's first marathon as well....too bad I spent most of the time on the course sick to my stomach and puking green slime...oh and KZ was not there : (

The first loop of the course (10k of awesome fun loopy single track trails adjacent to I think Route 3 as I saw highway on a few ridges) was great and I kept a fast pace with log...the second loop one mile in and my stomach revolted...I threw up violently and gagged on way too much phlegm to have been normal..the heat and my sloshing tummy made it so hard for me to run so I had to slow down to a speed walk for pretty much all of the second loop. I tried to run again during the third but threw up so it was back to a speed walk. Knowing I needed to speed it up to be able to get a 5th loop in I ran/walked the fourth loop but still my tummy just could not take it and I threw up again. When I finished the fourth loop Bill told me that I would not have time to get back out for the 50k and I would have to be OK with 26.2 miles with log. I was happy...I knew that having missed school Monday and Tuesday with the flu my body really was not recovered enough to run fast with log. If I ran without log I could have pr'd for a 50k even with sick tummy as the course was perfect for me, but sometimes I need to run with log....

I run with log for Dan

I miss him..he was such a kick ass guy...a girl in every port...gorgeous, fun, adventurous and yet one of the only guys my mum liked sitting down with and talking to when he stayed with me..Grammy Roy is a tough one and she saw that spark that was Dan's most attractive quality...a big heart and an open mind and an old soul...when the CD he made me goes into my car radio I catch myself crying...and if you know me..I don't cry much...

So the fact that Saturday was hard and I felt sick and I did not get the ultra distance well it made sense...Dan is not here to ride his mountain bike, or to jump on his motorcycle....so not getting a PR or an ultra distance doesn't matter...I would give up a lot just to have him back here....to hear a knock on my door and see Dan there dropping in for a week or two between his trips to Bakina Faso or Afghanistan...always with a hand made piece of jewelry or a gorgeous hand crafted statue for me...always ready to head to Crow Hill and climb or the whites for a fast pack or he would just ride his mountain bike along side me as I trained. I know that even though he is gone he still has my back and looks out for me.

So the fact I was running a beautiful course, among friends, with MM's at the finish line well that was what was important...sometimes I need to remind myself of that. Sunday I got in a great hike along the midstate trail and Monday a 10 mile trail run at Beaver Brook so this past weekend was awesome for training. The upcoming weekend is a a conundrum. Originally I was going to run Julie's fatass 40 mile birthday run, but it was canceled so I agreed to an overnight 30 mile hike with some DR people in Vermont. Then Julie decided to run and I want to go run with her Saturday. It is difficult to do both as i have to be in VT for 6 pm so that means I have to leave by 2 at the latest. I know that 40 miles running trails is better training for the 500, but 30 miles with pack walking through the river and up and over mountains will be better training for DR...I am not sure what I want to do...but knowing me I will try to do both: ) I also can do Julie's run and then skip VT na d do a night hike on the Midstate with Trooper Dave as he has Saturday off and wants to get out and hike from Wachusetts to the Wapack trail in NH and back. Hmmmm options are good : )

Ren and Stimpy return

2011-10-07T18:30:00.002-04:00

The TARC fall classic is in the morning...I just finished a quick but satisfying shoulder work out and I am now at the Starbucks with my coffee klatch posse of strange but wonderful Friday night Framingham coffee drinkers....I have two new books, a huge container of whole Foods chicken wings, roasted brussel sprouts and cauliflower and a bottle of Bogle waiting at home. It may not seem to many to be the most exciting Friday night but I am looking forward to it. Dave will be at my house at 6 am and we are heading to Lexington. Dave is running his first marathon and I think he will crush it...he has lost 30 lbs since March...and looks amazing. I am happy to be introducing Dave to trail running but I miss KZ....we still talk pretty much every night or every other night, but I have lost my running partner...

I must admit that It has been a strange transition...I do like to train alone and Pisgah was a different experience running sans KZ because I have run my races with him for so long... running with him had changed the experience for me....to run alone again brings me back pre-Nipmuck Dave....before he mentored me in my ultra running..when I was running with a huge pack and cotton socks ; ) when I was dating Morris and living in Arlington....it seems a life time ago...when my body was so strong and I thought it would never fail me...

I am recycled...taking all these old parts of me and melting them down and creating something new...I feel like to be truly alive I have to burn down to my embers and then be reborn....this may be something that makes me unique and strong or it may be seen as a character flaw...I guess it depends on who you ask. I find my happiness from within but don't get me wrong....I love to share in the joy of others..let me warm myself in their happiness..toast marshmallows in their joy...and eat them with dark chocolate and graham crackers....yummy

In the past year I realized that my happiness would not be found from outside myself...I thought I found it but it was just a dream...a glorious one in truth but like tissue paper it tore and flew away....still I hope to one day experience that connection...to be able to settle inside myself enough to settle beside someone else....

but for now I will wake up and eat my oatmeal and run trails with my log...and just be....

Recovery

2011-10-03T12:33:00.002-04:00

So I took pretty much all last week off from training....I was tired and my hands were toast so hitting the gym was not a huge priority. In fact did not step into the gym for over 5 days. I did one quick trail run mid week and then trained with Chris this past Friday. I hit the cape cod canal rollerblading with Cappy D Saturday and Sunday morning I ran a 10k trail race....then hit the gym for a work out after failing to find the DR training that was happening in Belmont. In truth it was nice to take a week off and let my body recover. When I returned to training I hit chest and noted that I was weaker. For my flat bench I was up to 25 lb dumbbells for 4 sets of 10 (20 seconds rest) for my endurance workout and I was feeling strong at this weight. Yesterday I grabbed the 25lbs dumbbells and honestly struggled...the dude next to me noticed and came over and spotted me. I do not need a spotter for this weight but yesterday I did. Now I had not done any lifting since before Tire Guys camp. I pulled and pushed a shit load of weight during the 10 hours of that camp and took off a good 5 days from lifting....on my return to the gym should I have felt this weak? Was I really still recovering from the camp? In the past when over training was a way of life for me I would run a trail marathon in the morning and by the afternoon I would hit the gym for 2 hours. I ate half the amount of calories I eat now (and I was a vegetarian then..now I consume beef and or chicken with each meal) and yet I could go on like the little engine that could. Mind you after 2 years of this I crashed..other things came into play of course...yet I question how I could need this amount of recovery when I have gained more muscle, my health is in a pretty good place, there is little to no stress in my life...when I was a hot mess physically and emotionally I trained like a machine and now that I am balanced I need more rest and recovery? Is it just age....I will be 42 in January am I officially an old lady who needs to take naps now?

I did chest, tris and abs Sunday and today after I take a nap (yep a nap...I have what feels to me like a cold...a cold?! In October? I never get colds....cancer yes...colds no....what is going on here? so I thought a nap would help after school before I head to the gym) The plan tonight is to either hit legs hard or do glutes only and then take a spin class. I am meeting up with Trooper D tonight to train and he is not a huge fan of my glute work out nor would I imagine him being interested in a spin class...so I think it will probably be a hard leg night...pyramid squats, leg press wall squat superset (10 sets of 30 reps (90lbs) leg press straight into a 60 second wall squat with 25 lb dumbbells on thighs then back to leg press no rest at all between the 10 sets except to drop dumbbells and walk the 5 feet to leg press...it is a killer, box jumps, lunges with 50lb barbell 10 sets 10 per leg 10 seconds rest, then some body weight lunges (side and back) and step ups.

I will be interested to see if the week off (and the nap) help : )

Outer Limits Death Race Camp

2011-09-25T15:58:00.013-04:00

one should rather die than be betrayed

there is no deceit in death

it delivers precisely what it has promised

steven deitz

This past Friday night I traveled to Rhode Island to participate in the Outer Limits DR camp with the Foster Brothers, Bruce and Jeff, two of only thirty-five athletes (out of two hundred total) to finish the 2011 Death Race.

So the training started off as it usually does for me....I got lost and drove by their house like two times before Sheri emailed me telling me that everyone was watching me drive by the house…ugh nice way to start the night…a real confidence booster…"oh good now the dumb blond in running tights has arrived we can commence the training" ; ) I participated from 7 pm until 8 am when I left with just two tasks remaining knowing I would need sleep and recovery if I wanted to run my race on Sunday.

We placed our bikes in the garage, signed a waiver, got a swag bag courtesy of Joe D, put on our packs and started the fun.

The following description of the tasks may be wrong…I will probably write what happened out of order or I may have skipped one task, I may have made the distance we traveled during a task or between tasks too short or too long...but it was a long night in the pouring rain so forgive me if I f it up....after you read this you will get the gist of what they do at Outer Limits. Be prepared to work hard and fyi....try not to bitch while doing it....Bruce and Jeff are super supportive and respectful guys but if you complain you will get some good natured ribbing : ) The brothers do the entire camp with you and they will push harder, do more and have big shit eating grins on their faces when they do it...so complaining really does you no good. Just smile and put your faith in Bruce and Jeff...they know what they are doing.

So here is a summary of the camp from what I can remember....I ran a race today and I am fricken exhausted so I have done my best to recount it...
1. Search through contractors buckets located around the yard filled with mud and water for an item that turned out to be small green Lego piece…I found 2 red Lego’s so I was the only person without a green Lego…uh oh…that can’t be good….the year of Betrayal…hmmmm

2. Partner up. Packs remain on for most of the tasks starting with this one. Play catch with a 20lb (at least) rock you throw and he catches and he throws and you catch…that is one rep….do it 499 more times…it was during the second task that I did the worst damage to my hands ripping off the flesh on both palms (the rock tore right through my home depot work gloves) and they hurt for the rest of the camp. To be able to “catch” the rock I made sure to use my legs and squat down with each catch.

3. Indian carry (extended arms overhead) with a squared off stump…so heavy I was unable to run to the front of the line without balancing it on the top off my head…needless to say by mile two I needed to ask to carry the stump in my arms as I was going to knock myself out. We did this Indian carry for four miles at least with pack carrying ax, saw, food, bladder, change of sneakers, clothes, rope, carabineers, cords and other various things …up and down hills and this was when the rain began in earnest and did not let up until around 4 am : ) FYI the result of carrying a fricken log on the top of my stupid head is that today I have a wound that can only be described as “breakfast cereal” like on the top of my head… all night long said wound (unbeknownst to me) wept pus and blood all over my pillow and then hardened up to the size and feeling of a frosted fricken flake…

4. We met up with the Tire Guys family and friends and a huge truck and trailer filled with wood. And another truck and trailer filled with the 2 huge tires and two smaller ones, cement blocks, 50 lb bags of sand, wheel barrows, contractors buckets (ugh I hate contractors buckets: )…I knew then this was not to be some vanilla training camp. We had to take out the wood and stack it in 6 piles..there was around 10 pieces of wood in each pile..not as bad as the wood at DR but there were some HUGE stumps in there. We started to cut the wood and then we needed to stack the wood back in the trailer…I was able to do five out of my ten and then Mike (what a sweetheart) jumped in and helped me finish my stack off. The bottom line is I am very light I can’t get the weight behind me to get the ax out of the log if it sticks. Nor does a whack constitute a split in the wood for me…it usually takes 7 to 10 whacks to shave off a piece!

6. I think we stopped at a dirt section off the road first to do some plyo stuff…we did push ups and frog jumps and this weird thing with our feet up on the huge tire and our hands on the ground and three of us per tire moved around the tire (that was hard) and some jumping jacks and sit ups..then we got back to our wheel barrow, bucket, tire brigade and started off back in the road.

7. This was a tough walk at least 3 miles and we arrived at a farm that is owned by a family member. Here we had to swim across a pond (everyone got PFD’s yippee!!!!!! ) Then belly crawled through a horrible smelly swampy river with mucky squishy mud then get out and filled a wheel barrow with wood and stack it then go back and start to chop 10 pieces of wood (some of them big huge stumpy pieces) then go back in the pond and crawl through the swampy section then stack your chopped wood then back in pond and swamp and then cut three pieces of wood with a hand saw off a huge tree, then do this Lego thing ( I did not have said green Lego piece so I was excused….betrayal…. hahahaha they had to do a bunch of burpee stuff then again I was still cutting at my wood….I was the last to finish my wood (just like at DR) and I still had two pieces when I was sent back through the pond and mucky swamp then headed over to the hand saw…I cut a section of the wood and then we were back on our walk with our buckets, wheel barrows and tires. Before we left the farm I had the option of taking some person's Lego and I took Mike’s as he helped me cut wood earlier in the night. I thought I could do his next set of burpees as a thank you to him…Mike and I should have remembered “betrayal” is the theme for 2012 : )

8. We walked another 2-3 miles at (least) to a school. We met up with Sheri there (she is AWESOME) and we had to do a bunch of crazy stuff here including: flipping a huge tire across the field (I could not do so they had me walk back and forth the football field with a cement block) teaming up and doing this running thing back and forth across the football field carrying the two cement blocks, walking around track with an egg g on spoon and not drop then run with egg on spoon and no drop…if you drop egg you burpee back and forth across field as punishment. Then we placed all of the wheel barrows and tires and buckets on the trailer and headed to the stadium stairs then we did box jumps with pack up and down stadium stairs (I had to take pack off too heavy for me) then we did smaller bunny hops with pack up and down stairs then we went and did hill sprints with our packs on (steep hill!!!!) 3 sets of 4 sprints front, backwards, side and other side. Then we headed into the woods…this was awesome..the rain started to pour sheets and we were bushwhacking completely off trail through swamps and then we came to a deep swampy muddy section with string tied all across and we were on our belly dragging our packs through this section under the strings that got closer and closer to the ground as you moved forward (if you knocked string you were punished) This was easier for me then the guys as I am little and I can’t remember who, Bruce or Jeff, laughed and said hey that was too easy for you as I never even really had to get my face close to the muck : ) We had to have walked at least an hour through this section and came out around 3 am near the state trooper barracks where we met up with Sheri and we had to say good bye to Tim cuz he had to go to work for 7!!! Here was where my offering to take Mike’s Lego screwed him…Sheri had a big basket filled with yummy treats (she had fruit and water and Gatorade for the entire time…this was soooo well run I can’t even begin to tell you what an amazing job they do) and only people with a Lego could take a treat : ( poor Mike..and the rule was I could not share my treat with a non Lego holder…at this point I was tired and getting cold…it was funny that all the guys were like love the rain and I was starting to shiver…I was the only one wearing a rain jacket!!! I guess I need to pack on some body fat lol

9. When we left this stop after enjoying our treats we had to leave carrying a 50lb bag of sand….now I am all about trying to do what the guys do and not calling on my “girl card” but holy shit that is half my weight!!!! So I asked the guys if I could take some sand out after I unsuccessfully tried to heave it over my shoulder. They took out about 20 lbs and I had a still very difficult but doable bag of sand to carry. We had to walk three or four miles of the Blackstone river bike trail carrying these sandbags…I held it in my arms like a baby…my hands at this point were killing me so I had to keep the bag balanced on my forearms…this section took some time and I talked a bit with this guy Dennis who is a friend of the brothers helping out but mostly I walked behind the guys and just got lost in my own discomfort and pain…it is when I am separate from the group and I can just “exist” within my own pain and discomfort that I know my little body is capable of so much… I know that the Peak 500 come May will be perfect for me as I do best when I am alone....when my mind tries to fuck with me and I am alone I don’t let it…when I am with others I can get out of my head and I find myself talking too much or not focusing on the task…the devil comes to me in the guise of a group…now when there is a group challenge I am fine…but the walking and carrying heavy things..I need to just lose myself : )

So when we got to the end of this walk I was supposed to take off but decided to stick around for more. Sheri had the trailer and she had a yummy bottle of hot cocoa and let me have her fleece jacket as I was freezing…we filled wheel barrows with 2 cinder blocks…Mike and I shared one cuz they only had four and the other three guys pushed theirs the entire time..Mike and I took turns..the hills were tough…I admit when you are my size and have to do the same weight as bigger guys it can be overwhelming but it helped that I was able to share the task with Mike : ) We pushed this up quite a few big hills and then through a down town area to one of the brothers garage spaces where he holds equipment. We dropped off the barrels and started off on a hike carrying yard rakes….hmmmm we walked another 2 miles or so to a trail head and entered into the woods where eventually we came to one of the brother’s daughters cross country teams training trails…we walked a while and then we were told to “rake” the trails clean of all the debris until we came to the field….we did that until we reached the field then we walked further until we eventually came to a church where we went Sheri and Dennis gave up our rakes and headed back out on another section of trails. These were really gorgeous trails and we all had some nice conversations as we hiked along. We eventually came out to a state park kind of place where I was taking leave from the group. I knew that they had one more task to flip the huge tires up and down an abandoned ski hill and then do a workout around the tires and then mountain bike 20 miles back to the house…I realized if we were 20 miles from the house and we went through the woods and the bike path we had to have trekked at least a marathon or 50 k distance throughout the night carrying and pushing and pulling crap…no wonder I was tired ; )

We took a group pic and I said my goodbyes as I drove away I watched the two brothers hefting up that huge honking tire ready to push it to the base of that mountain and spend the morning doing something that most would never experience in a life time…and yet for them it was just another training day.

For more information about the training call 401-871-4448

Pisgah

2011-09-19T11:19:00.004-04:00

Funny that something I had lost and was so important to me was found on the trails of Pisgah. I say funny because the last time I ran this race my body completely failed me as I was in the midst of a health crisis. My time was an hour slower in 2009...and if it weren't for Stas coming back out on the course after he finished to pace me my finish time would have been at least another 30 to 40 minutes slower. I ecked out a few more races that year and got Stonehead but it taxed my body something fierce....I barely finished Stonecat...again relying on Stas to come out and run me in...

I got into WS for June 2010 and my goal was to head there and finish...my body was not healthy...I went into WS unprepared and I failed....I did not run again in 2010 but to pace Kev and Patty and Sara at their first 100's. I did not run Pisgah in 2010.... I had signed up but never showed... my life was in a different place this time last year. I was probably at a pop warner game to watch V. cheer : ) I think the time off in 2010 and into this year from trail running (in terms of racing) was a good thing for my psyche. For three years I ran pretty much every WMAC race and was Stonehead... breaking records for most points and most races run for women. I was in love with the trails. It had come to define me though and was the only thing really at the time that mattered. After WS I crashed and crashed hard...the trails and I went our separate ways..I could not find my bliss there..I figured it was lost to me.

I found other things that mattered and opened myself to new people and experiences during this time away from running..I was part of a family for the first time in my life and I found the Death Race. My focus changed in terms of training. I gained weight and took time to figure out what really mattered and it did my body and soul a world of good. But as it often is....just when things started to seem balanced in my life... I crashed again. My body gave up on me and I was forced back into fighting mode both in terms of my physical and emotional health. Everything was lost...I was at my lowest point and I was coming to terms with the idea that joy was a word that would never pass my lips again...

and yet...just when I least expected it...like a phoenix..joy rises from the ashes..

I came to terms with what I had lost and I called a truce with my body finally being comfortable to let what ever higher power is out there decide on its fate...I went into DR with a sound mind and body and it was amazing...and yet it did not bring me back my bliss...I had come to peace with the fact that I would never feel that way again...I ran a few races and paced Patty and Sara at VT this year and enjoyed myself immensely and even had fallen back in love with the trails but the bliss (a thing hard for me to describe) was no where to be found..I signed up for Peak 500 hoping I would have almost 10 days on those trails to come to terms with what was lost and what I now needed to find to replace it..

and then yesterday a funny thing happened...when I wasn't looking for it I found it...on the trails of Pisgah I found my bliss.....isn't life a corker ; )

a bit of a tirade..

2011-09-09T13:34:00.002-04:00

I am happy.
I feel healthy and strong and in a good place.
I am looking to buy a small home and just started the search and I am very excited. My health is improving, my running is on track, my strength training is also improving. I am at a very positive place right now.

So it is at this very balanced point that I have decided to remove all negativity from my life...I want to surround myself with people who, like me, are less about talk and more about action...so what kind of people do I want to cut out of my life? I was thinking about it today and the result of this thinking is the following tirade lol.........................

I think the thing I loathe most is whining and lack of internal fortitude. People who just crumble under pressure and think the world owes them something. People who care so much about what others think..who come across as having a strong sense of self but in reality they are weak as they depend on putting down others to lift themselves up....passive-aggressive people, people who use social media to create a "persona" people who talk big but deliver small, people who exaggerate their abilities, people who search for meaning by "jumping" on someone else's bandwagon or coat tails, people who care more about what they look like on the outside then what is on the inside....weak men and catty women (awful on their own and a terrible combination especially if you have to sit next to them at a wedding lol).

I think the things I admire most in people is inner strength, people who speak only when they have something important to say, people who do not rise up by stepping on the backs of others, people who do not preen like a peacock, people who eat pain for breakfast, people who would give the shirt off their back to anyone and never have to announce their good deeds to the world, people who admit when they are wrong, take responsibility for their actions, people who "suck it up", "put up or shut up", "shit or get off the pot" people who have the balls to say to it to your face instead of behind your back, people who you can count on to have your back when you need them...people who in the face of adversity are stoic and most importantly DO NOT WHINE...

just saying ; )

loving things

2011-09-06T21:45:00.004-04:00

I am falling in love with things...things I once loved and maybe lost a connection with or that I had not realized that I ever loved in the first place..whatever the reason I am falling in love all over the place!

I have fallen in love with teaching again....12 years into the profession and just 2 years ago on the brink of despair as I thought I had lost my passion for it...well it is back and I could not be happier.....the kids make me smile and laugh and I feel it....the feeling like I am making a difference.... that I have the power to be a positive influence. I have fallen in love with running trails again..oh and does it feel soooo good. The fall is the best time to be in love with trail running...the cool evening runs on the pine needle covered trails...how the night air feels when you breathe it in...magical. I am falling in love with this bigger and stronger body of mine..it is a slow shy love... one that I am not so sure about but that I feel could grow into something lasting and beautiful if I just give it a chance. And finally there is a man who always seems to be there for me who asks nothing but gives of himself...who just wants to make me smile, who makes me feel safe and secure... it would be quite impossible for most women not to love this man....but then again I am not most women...my walls are high and strong... my defenses impenetrable..but at least I have finally come to a point where I can smile at the thought of falling in love again...

How I spent my last day of summer vacation

2011-08-27T22:15:00.002-04:00

yesterday was my last real summer vacation day as I start back at school Monday. I was not sure how I wanted to spend it but I knew I was feeling a bit out of sorts. I was supposed to go to a concert with Trooper D., I also had an invite to head to the cape for early dinner with an old friend to catch up (he ended up having to get his boat out of the water for the upcoming visit of Irene) or I would just do my own thing all day and then go for an easy run, watch a movie with R. and then get to bed early.
I had talked with Kevin earlier in the morning and had shared how I felt pulled in so many directions lately, and how I am mourning the loss of "quiet private" time that I had loved this past spring. I decided to spend the day doing low key things.

I started off by drinking coffee and enjoying my grapefruit and egg breakfast on the porch and reading my new MF hers. I left by 7:30 to drop off my laundry as I have it done (my tiny studio obviously does not have a washer...it does not even have a stove or range!) by this great laundromat in Ashland. Since I was already heading that way I decided to hit the Ashland Golds for an ass kicking back, bi and tri workout....I am in love with the Navy Seal pull up push up pyramid to warm up whenever I do any upper body training so started off with that and felt great. I noticed how cut I looked and my stomach well lets just say this morning it was not causing me any physical or mental distress. I had a shake after and headed to DD to grab an iced Turbo. I have no idea why..but I felt the need to do some DIY projects in my apartment so I hit Home Depot and proceeded to spend over 150 on paint, tools, and shelves. The plan was to take down all the crap that was on the walls of my "under eves office nook" and paint and rearrange bringing the space clarity and clean lines so I can actually sit there and do work. The apartment is TINY but I do love it....it is just right for me. After I gave away most of my possessions this past winter I felt really light...and I realized today that I wanted to simplify my place and my life even more. So I removed everything off the office walls and the kitchen walls. I painted the office nook and tried to put my shelves up in my kitchen. The painting was a great success but I needed to call on Trooper D. for help with the shelves. So after D. dropped off his son he came my way with an iced coffee and extra tools in hand. 4 hours later we had a gorgeous kitchen (minus the paint as I ran out of time) and a perfect office nook to start back at school.

It is amazing how a bit of DIY work can clear your mind and help to lift your spirits...now I need to focus on the inside DIY

Been a long time since I rock and rolled...

2011-08-25T17:42:00.002-04:00

So I have not written in a looooong time. Just have had nothing interesting to say and I have been a bit up in the air...felt like I was not "fitting" into my own skin. Had to let go of the past to move forward but could not force that had to just ride the wave until I woke up one day and said "wow...it's all good". Funny that I felt today was the day that it is "all good" as I have been awake for like two days having done an overnight fastpack last night and having yet to feel sleepy enough to take a nap. So when I got home this morning at 9 am from the Mid State trail head I updated my training log, made a delicious steamed kale with black sesame dish with grilled chicken, drank a gallon of water, and read through "silly" chick magazines in my baby doll nightie..until 12:50 pm when I decided to start up my blog again. I feel like it is a good time as I am returning to school and a sense of normalcy...summer is like a fantasy time for me...I just flit and float around like a boob..training 2-3 times a day, going for adventure drives, traveling, reading books on my porch drinking wine in the middle of the afternoon..yep it is time to get back to it! No more flouncing around like a twit...

I have Peak 500 and DR 2012 to focus my attention on as well as getting back into the shorter ultra distance races and losing the belly fat I have accumulated from too many buffalo chicken wings and beer! I have also started to look into my PT license as I have had such a great time working with friends and coworkers helping them to achieve weight loss goals (upcoming blog post about Trooper Dave's transformation!) I have returned to keeping a pretty specific training log both online and in my Staples dollar notebook. I have also returned to documenting my daily nutrition. I am trying (and have some what succeeded) in gaining mass...the good kind ie muscle mass...now as I alluded to earlier there is a bit more belly and hip chub as well ; ) and although I do not like the belly and hip chub I know that it is a good thing as it signifies I have made some really great strides in terms of my food and body issues : ) I mean now I actually eat ice cream and chicken wings...this time last year I would NOT have been able to do either. Yes as my close friends will attest at times I do still beat myself up after having inhaled wings, ribs and beer, but I get over it now (well KZ may have something to add there as I can kind of...well sometimes talk a wee bit too much about my fat belly). I kind of talk myself down from any BDD issues with a mantra that includes "tomorrow is a new day" where I remind myself that tomorroww will be a new day to eat healthy and get back on track. In the past I would have hit the gym for a three hour training session or gone out and run on a full belly..ugh or worse I would have laid in bed and cried...soooooo I am feeling pretty chipper about my new found "zen" attitude towards the occasional cheat meal.

I have been reading a great deal about nutrition lately, both from scientificallyly backed research tomes to the women's health rags like Women's Health or Oxygen (and the occasional US magazine titled "(insert yo yo dieting starlets name here) Diet Secrets and How She Lost 10 lbs!" I have taken to documenting what I eat, when I eat and how I feel every day in terms of my food intake. I am trying to determine if I eat when I am hungry or eat when I am sad or stressed... at times I am checking to see if I have eaten enough based on the amount of training I do. In the past I was skinny yep my belly was flat as a pancake but I was far weaker. I was not eating enough...I was able to accomplish high levels of training for both ultras and in the gym by shear will....eventually though my body just kind of gave up..especially when I got sick again my body finally could not keep up with the determination in my head and my heart...and the poor thing just threw in the towel.

It is true that I have been tough on this body of mine...in the past berating it for being ugly and weak. I now realize that it is time for me to let this body know how much I appreciate it. How it is strong and allows me to do cool and amazing things, how it is not like any other woman's body but is special and unique and therefore a gift to be cherished and not bullied or despised...this body is the vessel for my heart and my mind and those two things are not too shabby or so I have been told by one or two people ; )

So now I eat. I eat often and I eat alot..and about 85% of the time it is based on smart choices:

GOOD DAY

6am coffee with stevia, grapefruit, boiled egg

8 am banana before Cardio

9:30 am Chobani plain with 1/2 c blueberries and 6 walnuts, med size skinny vanilla ice lattee from Starbucks

11:30 turkey sandwich with tomato, sprouts, tbl hummus on pita

1:00 pm weight training

2:00 pm whey protein shake (120 cal of whey powder ice and water)

3:30 apple with 12 almonds

6:00 pm 1 cup grilled chicken and 1/2 cup buffalo steak, cold beet salad with balsamic vinegar and dried cherries, steamed beans

1-2 glasses of wine (4 ounces each)

100 calorie bar dark chocolate

BAD DAY

A bad day always starts out good...some eggs and fruit followed by healthy snacks of yogurt and nuts and an apple and usually some 300 calorie sandwich....but then as the afternoon progresses I will have ordered 2 skinny vanilla lattes but this time the big size or worse a DD large ice turbo with toasted almond coffee and caramel syrup extra skim milk...then dinner is on the horizon...oh boy...

one of the following things will happen

I will eat bar popcorn at least 2 bowls then I will order 6 large buffalo wings or 12 small ones along with 3 or 4 ribs, wine and or beer (at least 3 glasses)

or I will eat chips and salsa and guacamole at least two baskets full of chips and a huge bowl of guac..then a steak then I will get two large scoops of ice cream with jimmies on it...extra jimmies and I will have drank 3 glasses of wine or a sangria and wine or a sangria a wine and a beer...then when I get home I will be buzzed (an important disclaimer I do not drive when I have these nights) so I will eat two 100 calorie dark chocolate bars or an energy bar saved for an ultra run because it will have chocolate in it or I will actually eat GU if it is chocolate or vanilla flavor...a few months ago I ate an entire container of vanilla frosting on a binge...

So one of my goals for this new blog is to obviously write more : ) to try for an every day at least snippet of what I eat and how I feel as it will help me I think to share with the three of you that read this how I am faring in this battle against negative body image...I don't talk much or in great detail about serious health issues in this blog cuz it is very personal but I want to try to work through a few tough choices I will have to make in the near future. I am also trying to work through how women deal with cancer in terms of their sexuality...basically how they perceive their sexual identity...but that stuff is still being "thought on" and I can't yet put any thoughts to this blog. I want to continue to work through the never ending crazy saga that is my love life and how I am trying to grow and change in terms of relationships. I also want to share my training as I am upping the intensity and changing it up for the upcoming goals I have in the spring and early summer. I am also starting back at work and my Turnip is leaving me for the great wide west...so lots is a happening and I think I feel like sharing a few of things with whom ever is interested in reading...

2012 Peaks Ultra 500

2011-07-14T16:15:00.003-04:00

Race Name: 2012 Peaks Ultra
Location: Pittsfield
State: Vermont, U.S.A.
Name of Event: Peaks Ultra 500
Distance: 500
Measurement: Miles
Date: Thursday May 3rd, 2012
Start Time: 6:00 PM

No turning back now.....I have stepped in this pile and it is just too messy to try to scrape off...best to just breathe through my mouth and move forward with purpose...ignoring the looks of disgust from those around me and hold my head high....

Crazy. That word has been used to describe me...and it is funny in just how many different ways this one word can be taken depending on who is uttering it.....
Ex boyfriends hmmmm not often used in a positive light as we know all men call their exes crazy to give a reason why a relationship ends (lol being tongue in cheek here for those of you who do not get humor) (then again just recently the word "demons" instead of "crazy"..was used in regards to me but then again I guess it really just means the same thing lol again being funny)
People at my gym... always positive
My family.. well that depends...the word "crazy" is often followed with a sigh and a shake of the head if it is my mum....so not really negative just said wearily as in "what has she gone and done now....I did not raise her to be this way".

I love running. I will never be super fast and I have plenty more DNF's ahead of me I imagine so what makes me think I can run 500 miles? Well I will have from May 4th until May 13th to run 500 miles... I think that is around 240 hours give or take...if I do 60 miles a day I can run 500 miles in the time given. My own pace with breaks when I want them. I have run the ten mile loop and it is pretty...tough but pretty nonetheless. I will be on the course with few people I imagine to start and so I will have long periods of quiet reflection or more aptly long periods where my mind is blank and empty of all thoughts...my own kind of meditation. Yep I can do it and more importantly it sounds like something I would actually enjoy doing....crazy??? Nah...not really...ice climbing and sleeping on a hammock thingy stuck to a ledge off of a sheer cliff face in the freezing cold..ugh that is my definition of crazy..running 500 miles in 9 days may be someones definition of crazy..but it ain't mine.

Death Race 2011

2011-07-07T17:38:00.003-04:00

4 a.m. Scotland….I can’t sleep.

The Death Race has been at the forefront of my thoughts for the past nine months, and yet it seems like this adventure started so long ago….so much has happened in my life from the day I went online and signed up till today. I sit here in the kitchen of this mansion drinking coffee from a china cup and it is all a bit surreal…so very different from my tiny studio over the garage in Framingham. I am having a difficult time being truly comfortable with the decision to come to Scotland…no gym…food far too rich and fatty (too many malted milk balls, glasses of wine and snacking). My sleep pattern is fucked up and my wrist is as well. The opportunity to come here is an amazing gift…but it comes on the heels of something that is raw inside me…it is hard to separate DR from Scotland and because of this…because I am not easily understood and what I chose to do…. the way I choose to live my life….it is causing some discord and I am troubled and hurt by it… in truth I should know by now that what is not easily understood is often suspect and I have been portrayed in a certain light for a very long time. I have come to the conclusion that you must pick your battles….and this is not a battle I will pick instead I will shut my mouth…take the scolding…strengthen my resolve to live the way I want to live…to turn the other cheek.

Roy understands the importance of DR for me…he was wonderful…I had so much fun with Roy. Hiking those gorgeous mountains…well I had forgotten the joy I feel just from running trails… and to run down that amazing mountain…. well it was a gift…a bit of healing you can say and I owe Roy for that gift. I have such amazing friends. So many people including but not limited to Kev, Julie, and Dave who took time away from their own lives to help me try to achieve something that meant so much to me….so selfless….what did I do to deserve these friends? I am blessed.

Although I have come to terms with some of the experience well other aspects not so much and I have been really struggling to find the way to share my DR experience with the few people who read my blog. This one is tough as it is not resolved… the lingering physical aches and pains will eventually be gone but how long will it take me to mentally heal? To wrap my mind around the race and the outlier experiences that are intrinsically tied to this experience. I know that my blog has always helped me to work through things so I will continue to have faith in that and just start where every story must start…at the beginning.

Kev and I headed up Thursday night. I picked him up from the train station and I felt so relaxed, confident but not cocky, just a feeling that heading to Pittsfield is exactly what I should be doing this weekend….that I am in a perfect moment in time and doing what I was meant to do. I was not scared although I kept telling people I was “good” scared…I guess that really just meant I was excited and my adrenaline was flowing. We went straight to a little dive bar called Jax where the locals hang out. I found this place the night before the death camp the weekend of McNaughton. They have the most amazing wings and the greatest bar staff and I knew Kev would like this place. I wanted the wings but decided against that because I knew I would have intestinal distress…I love wings more than anything…they are my crack. Instead I ate a plate of veges and hummus and grilled chicken. Had a glass of wine and then we called it a night and headed off to the Swiss Inn (this place is awesome and the owners are so nice). I slept well all things considered. In the morning I am up and putting my hair in my braids as I always do for a race.

Kev and I had breakfast and met up with William C., Joe Crupi and someone else (hmmm super nice guy but I forgot his name…dang…I am terrible with names) I gave them their tools. And they gave me like 10 boxes of orange tic tacs!!! Yummy!!! I had been talking with William over txts and had offered up a bunch of extra tools for him since he was flying in for the race. A few other racers John M, Joe, Pete, Erica, Dan, and I forgot who else donated to Johnny’s POGO charity so I brought tools with new bits for them to use. I brought a bunch of extras which was good as a racer showed up without one…I was a girl scout until the 12th grade so I am uber prepared, dorky, but prepared. Then Jay, Dennis and Jay’s sister Ashley showed up for breakfast. Ashley was doing support and I have heard so much about her from Jay and she was everything I thought she would be. We saw Sophie there and boy is she a cutie….so beautiful, sweet, and yet tough as hell. It was her birthday and she had flowers waiting for her at the Inn. Dennis had some rope for her and he showed all of us how to do the swiss seat in case we had to climb… everyone but me was familiar with it. It is a silly looking contraption as it makes your woohoo look like you have this huge package. Sophie was the model and it was so funny…actually it was even more funny when Dennis did it.

Jay and Dennis pretty much rock. They have the same sense of humor as me…and what really means a lot is that they get me…I swear like a pirate and what comes out of my mouth would at times give my poor mother a heart attack. I don’t pretend to be anyone other than who I am…so to me one of the most important aspects of this race was meeting Dennis, Jay and John Mcevoy. I feel like I have met guys that I will be friends with and that I can train with and who respect and like me for me. My training takes up such a big part of my life and it is one of the things that brings me such joy so to be able to find people who feel the same way…well that means something…..the thing I am coming to understand about the Death Race is it is truly a gift. I don’t think Joe and Andy realize people like me consider their race in this light, but I do.

After Jay fixed the straps on my pack and showed me again how to get in and out of it with ease we sat around a bit gabbing before heading to Amee farm to claim our spot. Kev and I carried our stuff to the top of the cess pool hill and gosh the smell was awful. We started to set up camp when a guy comes over and asks if any of us would be willing to be interviewed. Jay and Dennis yell “she would” and point to me. I thought what the hell I will take my fifteen minutes here and now : ) So I was interviewed by something called Spartan television. Now here is the kicker about this interview as well as the interview I did over the phone for NewsWeek’s The Daily Beast…I ended the interview saying the only thing I am truly afraid of is regret and I will finish this race…that they would have to pull me off the course for me not to finish….as I type this it seems so strange considering what happened.

We got in line to do our interview. While we were in line Joe came over and asked for volunteers. I can’t explain why but I always volunteer when it comes to physical labor. I find it helps me to get into the right mind set to clear out cobwebs and such. So for the next two hours I basically just did as Joe said which was to move rocks and hay bales and pipes filled with water and logs all around the general vicinity of the farm. What we were really doing was setting up the first task for all the racers which ended up being a 5 hour “cleans” marathon. But at the time I did not know that and just took it as something Joe does to keep us busy and keep us guessing : ) I got back in line when we were told to buy a fishing license for 20 bucks. It ended up being that Joe and Andy just needed these I believe to get permission for so many people to be walking through the river. I can only imagine how many loops Joe must jump through in terms of the gov’t branch that deals with natural areas of VT. Anyone who complains about the price of this race….basically anyone who complains period should just shut the fuck up because they have no idea what these two men must go through to get shit done. So I gladly paid my twenty. I see Tom. He looked happy and excited and I truly hoped he would finish…he txted me after the race to see how I was healing and to check on my upcoming surgery…..he made it clear that I will always have a place in his heart which was very sweet of him to say, but that part of my life is not something I think back on…the past is just that……the past…and I always try to focus on the future and move forward in life with no regrets…in fact that has always been something that is very important to me….no regrets…ever…and this was the theme of my pre-race interview. I sat in this little room to do my interview where I agreed that I am going into the experience with full knowledge of possible negative outcomes…hence youmaydie.com and death race..and they ask me questions. I talk a little bit about how my health issues have been a big part of my drive these past few years. The people closest to me know how I have struggled through a few years of ultra running due to what has been taking place with me physically…Nipmuck Dave, Kev, Stas, Garry they have first hand accounts of me hanging on by a thread during some of my races…while Tom and the kids experienced the crisis of this past winter. Others knew I was battling some serious shit while I focused on goals such as Stonehead or to tackling WS…my scars (some visible some not) and my tats mark milestones in my battle…my body is something that I continue to try to come to a state of equilibrium with….at times I love it and at other times I curse it for failing me..I tried to share some of this in my interview without coming across as some sick 41 year old oh woe is me...feel sorry for me or aren’t I so inspiring kind of crapola…it is difficult to know what to say and who to say it to as I am not that much of a talker I am more of a doer…I am not sure what my interview was like…but I know I spoke of regret. I can’t abide by it…..it is worse than cancer..it is far more insidious and to me is what I am truly afraid of...well that and water but more on the water phobia later…

Interview done Jay, Dennis, Ashley, Kev and I head down to the church. When I get there the twins are looking for Jay, Dennis and I. Joe wants us to sit in the front pew because we, along with like 5 other guys, did the most work or something when he asked for help. That was nice as I am 80% deaf in one ear so I would not have heard much from the back of the church. I am not religious, but I am spiritual. I have always loved church though…does not matter what kind I like temple as well. I just have always loved to listen to sermons, and this one was no exception. I loved what he had to share about finding the strength within yourself to forge ahead. I knew I had that strength in me…anyone who knows me knows I do not quit and I bear my pain silently…I have been called intense, cold, aloof, and at the same time people call me silly, outgoing, and up for anything. I think it is easier for me to be the aloof and intense self then the silly and outgoing self because I am more internal than external.

As I listened to the sermon I was thinking about types of negative traits that I struggle with….I was listing in my head my strengths and then I was listing all my weaknesses and I realize that I have a shit load of weakness…it is funny because I am constantly saying “I like myself just the way I am and I won’t have people trying to change me”, and yet as I sat in that church I questioned whether or not I really deserved to be there…I questioned my motives, my strength, my fortitude…I questioned ME. I wanted to look within myself and push away all the cobwebs so that I could see myself with blinding certainty. I want to break through to the marrow of me…there are still so many walls I have built that need to be knocked down…I wondered if the next few days would help me to clarify or would it just make the waters more murky… I sit here drinking coffee in the silence of the kitchen…the 27 hours I spent doing DR is somewhat a blur and hard to recall all the details but I will do my best. This is not really a race report but more a reflection of my experiences.

We leave the church to walk back to the barn where the race begins. Joe starts calling off numbers and we are placed in groups I believed at first I was in a group with Dennis and Jay but then they kicked me out…I was so bummed and spent the next few minutes walking around trying to find what group I was really in. Finally I move to a group, it was a large one, and I joined them. In hindsight I am so very glad that I did as the gentlemen in this group were absolutely amazing. The next 5 hours I worked with these men to clean over 15 rocks, weighing from 10 lbs to I believe heavy as 70 lbs, a hay bale, a pipe almost as long as me and at least a foot in circumference filled with water and then 4-5 other rocks weighing between 50 and 90 lbs (guessing here on actual weights but the stones in the center took two people to clean and the pipe at least 4 people). We were told we would do 150 sets…a set consisted of each of us doing a clean with the fifteen rocks in the outer circle then stepping into the center and as a group lifting the 4 to 5 other rocks, the hay bale and the pipe all at the same time. So for me that was 16 cleans per set multiplied by about 80 because after every 30 sets the 20 or so women got out for 5 sets….I am not sure how fair this was to the men but the problem was there were always at least 2 rocks I could not clean on my own and I would need the men in my group to help me. They had to keep their packs on but the women could take them off…did they work harder than me? I can only say that based on my size 5’4” and 107 lbs I worked very hard to clean those rocks and always used the best form I could. I think if asked they would say I did my job and did not complain a single time. In truth I loved this task…it was so fricken crazy to do that many presses…it is amazing what your body can deal with and how far you can push it. I am not sure if my wrist was fractured during this task or from the fall but it may not make sense to people but it was worth the pain now to see how far I could push my body. Mark made sure to stand close by to give me water and Kev had Ensure on hand. Julie and Kev were really amazing…without support this race would have been far more difficult.

After about 5 hours they told us to stop grab our packs and follow them. The next task was to walk to the river get in and do a 3 mile hike down the river to a beach. It was at this time I hooked up with John McEvoy and I am so glad I did. He is a calm and focused man and very determined…the perfect training partner…never a complaint a positive attitude and an open heart and mind….a good man. This was not exactly hard, in fact I was the first woman to get to the beach. This first part was kind of exciting. It was scary when we had to cross the river but John held my hand otherwise I would have been swept away…the current was very strong and again my size does not help..at times it was up past my boobs and difficult and other times it was just awkward as the rocks were slippery. It was strange to be walking it in the pitch black…I held a flashlight in my mouth for the entire trek. When we got to the beach they f’ed with us by making us sit there cold and wet and wait for all 150 racers to reach the beach….then they sent us back in the river. I was not getting too cold at this time and this kind of amazed me…hypothermia is a serious thing with me and I have been hospitalized two times in the past for this…the most serious at VT50 where they could not get a pulse and my body’s core temperature was so low they put me in one of those huge bubble things after rushing me to the ER. So I was tickled pink to find I was not that cold. When we finally got out of the river from that second hike we were at a big field where the lower section had a pond. Kev was there to meet me which was very reassuring. We were told to go stand in the pond up to our waist for 5 minutes. I went in and immediately saw Hobie in there totally shaking like a leaf…I went over and hugged his body and rubbed his back and arms trying to keep him warm. He has no body fat and the water tasks are hard for Hobie and usually me because I have no body fat either. My five minutes were pretty easy and I thought yippee this will be a snap! Then my world came crashing down…Joe told us that we would be required to swim across the pond with our packs on then climb a steep wall of mud and barb wire and then grab a lit candle and walk around a field keeping the candle lit or we would have to start again…and we were to repeat this process 7 times… it was at this time that I turned to Kevin and said I would have to quit. I was terrified as the water and swimming is something I do not like or do…there was no way I could make it across that pond with my pack even with the rope to grab on to. Kev gave me a pep talk and said that I needed to just try. It is hard for me to recall this task as I was so terrified it is impossible to really get across how my heart pounded in my chest. When I jumped in that pond and made my way out grabbing onto the rope I was the closest I think I will ever be to drowning…the pack pulled me down and I was crying and I think possibly screaming for Kevin…I don’t know how I managed to struggle across that pond but when I climbed up and out of the embankment I was ready to quit. I could not manage 6 more swims with my pack….Jay and Dennis said they would carry my pack and help me along…how can I explain how much this meant to me…William and Erica also said they would help me…and yet I did not want to have to depend on them to make it further in the race. I guess it was at this point that Jay and Dennis went and talked with Joe. I don’t know what they said but they came back to me and said Joe said I could do this task without my pack and take a penalty at the end of the race…I went and checked with Joe and he said he would make it really tough something involving an extra hike…knowing it would be tough and I would feel like I made up for the swim without the pack Again proof that Jay and Dennis are amazing men and I am so blessed by their friendship. I agreed to try to continue on with the swimming..mind you I was still terrified and swimming across that pond that night was far scarier than any operation or procedure I have had these past 5 years…I don’t want to spend too much time reliving this but I will add how amazing the support was that I got from my fellow racers : ) so many positives from this experience…people reaching out to one another…so many people would yell out encouragement when I entered that pond….and their positive reinforcement helped buoy me up : ) literally. I ended up doing 8 swims and not 7 because I was so “in the zone” I entered the last time at a full throttle run and Kev did not have time to yell out to me that I was done! When I was done I have to admit I was a bit cold : ) I was given a solar blanket but I immediately saw other racers freezing in shorts and t-shirts so I got a group of them together and put the blanket over them and stood behind them and started to rub their arms and backs to get the circulation going..it was raining and we had to sit and wait for the final two swimmers who ended up being pulled by Joe due to hypothermia. We were punished as a group I guess for wasting too much time around the fire? Joe had everyone take off their shoes, but me as I was swimming the entire time, and he poured oil or something in them and threw all the shoes into the woods where there was poison ivy. Since I had my shoes I went in with Jay and Dennis (who has no shoes) and retrieved as many shoes as I could find. We were then sent away from this area back into the river to walk to the next task…as the sun had come up things seemed a bit brighter and the terror of the pond swim was far behind me. I felt strong, and although I went from first at the start of the river walk to the last group to leave the task I did not care…I was on cloud nine that I had swam across a pond 8 times and it was cold and rainy and I was no keeling over from hypothermia..yippee!!

The next task was at a person’s home. It turned out to be a woman we had met at the Swiss Inn the day before at breakfast. She told us that her home was part of the race course and that she was looking forward to seeing us out there. We started with three logs that needed to be cut into 8-10 pieces I believe. The problem with these logs is that Andy and Joe got the crappiest wood they could get with knots and the wood was wet. The first two pieces I cut relatively fast but that last piece…ugh it took me over 1.5 hours to cut it. I had Joe and an elderly stranger and the woman who owns the house there cheering me on. I WOULD NOT GIVE UP but that damn log was the bane of my existence…I could not stop smiling and laughing when my stinking axe would get stuck in the woods and it would take all me energy to pull the damn thing out. The elderly gentleman was very upset because he said he saw two people cheating and was upset that I spent 1.5 hours cutting my one log and they were able to move on….he said he was going to tell someone about it and that it was not fair. I told him not to worry it is the nature of the race and they were probably just helping each other and we are allowed to do that during the race…it was funny that I was trying to calm this gentleman’s worries and explain why it was ok all the while I am struggling with this silly log…I guess he reminded me of my dad : ) In DR each person does their own thing and it is not my concern what anyone does other than me : ) I loved all the positive encouragement I got from everyone while I was chopping away…Joe was really great and I realized the absurdity of the situation when I was second to last to finish cutting the first three logs. I never gave up though and never let the situation bother me…I kept laughing and talking with Joe. It is not worth getting frustrated and angry during DR. Two people next two me had finished the mountain hike and one was cutting up a log while the other was eating..I was horrified when one of them screamed and swore at an elderly gentleman who also reminded me of my dad…I realize just how frustrated and emotional this process is for people…I am sad though as I would have given anything to have my dad standing here giving me words of wisdom and his big smile….I felt sorry for this person because it was done in the public forum and I wish I was not privy to the scene.

I am still cutting away at my log when I look over and see these two gentlemen putting on their packs as they are done with all the tasks at this stop and were ready to leave….one guy comes over and says to me “give me your axe” with 5 swipes this lovely man cut my log up into its final pieces hands the axe back to me and was on his way : ) Racers are allowed to help other racers….others had asked me if they could help earlier with this piece..but I wanted to do it on my own….at this point though I would have been here forever…I felt ok that I tried for 1.5 hours and I was ready to move on…next year either I gain like 20 lbs or I get a better axe : )

At this point I run over to a volunteer and say “what’s next”. He tells me to find a log with a W on it and carry it up the mountain and back down. There are not many left and they are all pretty big. I wander around and find one that is big but not insane….I spend about 5 minutes trying to rig up some sort of carrying system and then say “fuck it” and just wrap my arms around it and take off. I power hiked that sucker up the mountain…I would stop when it became unbearable to hold and drop it for 20 seconds I would actually count to 20 then I would heave it back up and take off. I passed about 20 people on this task : ) and went from second to last place to somewhere other than second to last…later on I spoke with Julie and Kev and they said there were people back at Amee talking about me motoring up that mountain with that log…I erased some of the embarrassment of the pond swimming debacle hahaha. Once I got to the bottom I found out I had to cut up this log as well….this of course took some time and it began to pour at the end. I saw Erica after I finished and she said she was thinking about quitting her log was just not splitting. I told her not to quit to keep chopping away at it. Erica was so awesome to me at the pond swim and I so wanted to see her finish…she has a huge heart you can tell. She is humble and kind and sweet and never once tooted her horn or tried to be the center of attention…she was there to do something for herself and not to show off….she deserved to finish…I left her chopping away at that log….I met up with a few people to enter into the river again for a hike back to Amee. It is rainy and cold at this point I think around 10 am. There is a woman with us and she is amazing… not afraid at all of the water…a real positive influence for me as the water was so scary for me. John M is there and Justin aka the barn beast…and a wonderful guy who shaved his head and eyebrows who had a kick ass attitude and life view but I forgot his name…and of course Ken who was such a positive influence for so many parts of the race. This part of the hike is really tough. I am getting very cold and then I slip and I am totally soaked I start to feel the hypothermia coming on. I wonder where the bridge is and just when I feel like my body is coming close to failing I see the bridge ahead with Kev and Julie waiting on top for me…I come out of that river and it feels like coming home : )

I walk back with the two of them and I get in line to do my next interview…I sit with my pack on and I honestly have no idea what the hell I say as I am starving and freezing….when I am done I head back to our tent and Julie helps me undress and put on dry clothes and I am so thankful for the warmth and the amazing hamburger Joe makes me and I feel rejuvenated. Dennis and Jay share with me a bit about the next task which requires us to walk up past the inn and find a log and measure and cut it (18” for chicks) and then bring it down and drill your race number in it and then carry that sucker to the top of the mountain and then back down. Ok I think I LOVE to hike so this is awesome. While drilling Andy I guess yells out whomever is still here in the next 10 minutes is pulled from the race…UGH my pack is all apart and I rush to get the shit back in lace and the log in. I leave my raincoat, hat and gloves behind and in the rush do not take any food or additional water and run pell mell away up the road towards the mountain. It turns out that Andy was an hour off and did not mean to yell this out…and after I left my support crew debated following me with food and clothes but thought well it will be an easy hike as this is Michelle’s thing….well it turned out to be a big issue as the hike took me from 2 p.m. until around 7 p.m. and I had no food except some chews and 1 gu. I had on a long sleeve t on and a cheap dollar raincoat. So I ran up and passed Joe C and John M trying to catch up with Jay and Dennis which I did. I was so happy to be back with them. The hike to the top was a fucking riot…seriously…we ran into the Glamazons and I had so much fun for that last part of the hike.

When we arrived at the top it was easy to complete the tasks…100 pushups…no problem…move logs…no problem…get log out of water…no problem as it was just on the edge of the pond…carve some writing in log…easy peasy when I borrowed a knife…I was able to take my time…in hind site I wished I had left the top a bit earlier but I needed the break as my pack was not comfortable and was killing my shoulders by the time I reached the top…and it was great to see some people at the top and especially to see Ray he looked strong and positive and I knew he would finish…so I wanted to talk and rest a bit. We finally left the top when the rain started to pour from the sky…ugh…I was in trouble. I was really hungry and the hike down was far slower do to the dangerous conditions of the trails…I was slipping and very nervous about my axe. Dennis had fashioned a cover for it at the top as mine had fallen off earlier and the axe was basically swinging right behind my head…one fall and the fucker would split my head open (in hind site I owe Dennis big time considering what came to pass). Dennis, Jay and I took to bushwhacking to avoid the trails that were sketchy. This was sometimes a positive and sometimes a negative depending on where we went. The trails were an absolute mess. At some point along the way I slip and fall forward. I hit my forehead and the axe hits me in the back of the head. At the time I don’t think twice about it. Jay sees me and asks if I am ok and I say yep…sit for a second and then slowly bring myself back to my feet. Well it was this fall that was the catalyst for a series of real shitty events. I start to feel real chilled….like seriously cold…I know this feeling and when Jay and Dennis take a break I tell them I am moving on as I am cold. I take off making mistake number 1. I am stumbling down the trail falling over and over so I start to bushwhack and lose the pink tape…I am off course but I see a fire ahead in the distance and I assume it is a task for racers that are far ahead of us. I walk towards the fire but come to find out it is William and another racer setting up for the night as they are concerned with moving forward or backward with being tired and cold. Mistake number 2 is moving on from them…William asks me to stay and I don’t even remember my response to him. It s this point that things become fuzzy. I think I remember seeing a racer and telling him to tell the guys at the burpee station I am really cold and hoping they have a way for me to war up a bit before moving on. Then I see a guy walking up who I swear has a picnic basket in dress shoes??? I think I talk with him and then I move on…I remember having an extremely upset stomach and I think I was farting or maybe I just imagined it…but the next thing I know I am at a house and then on a porch and the next thing I am in a car with the guy with the picnic basket and he is slapping my face. The next thing is Amee farm and Kev and Julie yelling at someone with a camera and then an oxygen mask and people stepping on my feet and then in an ambulance where I think I yelled at Kev or cried about the IV they put in or maybe I am making this all up.

Bottom line is after 27 hours my DR is over. I am devastated later that night when Kev and Julie come into my room at the hospital. The doctor will not let me leave until I eat something and Julie gives me crackers and I cry and I have a broken heart. When we return back to the room and I crawl into bed I not really able to remember much of that. The next morning I am a fricken mess….sad and angry at myself and Gretchen comes to the room and she talks with me and what she says well it is between her and me but it does help. I just want to leave….to go home. To forget for the moment that my body gave out that I am not as strong as I think…that what I wanted more than anything was not to be. Jay and Dennis text me and check in with me and tell me 35 racers finished at the church and I am so very happy to know that Ray is one of them…it makes the sadness lift for a bit. Kev and I leave. On the way out he stops and grabs my log…he shares that they removed it from my pack and I want it….Dennis will train with his and so will I…

The next few days are a whirlwind of emotions. Andy sent a great email to me…and that was appreciated. But what I am experiencing is not all positive….there are arguments and some issues that come about from the race. I feel pulled in many directions….Scotland is not an easy choice and what comes from my choice to go in turn has some negative consequences… I am at once a shell and at other times my heart is so big it fills my chest…I make a choice that is negative for my health and I hurt someone in the process by going and at the same time I make someone else happy… it is never black and white…always shades of grey…. I am not easy and I have been made to feel bad about that but the truth is I am who I am and I will not continue to explain myself to people…take me or leave me…I am done with compromise and I am done with begging for forgiveness and understanding….pretending to be less of who I am because others are not self assured or others are jealous or whatever short comings they have…screw that…I have no one to answer to but me.

I wanted to finish DR…in truth it meant more to me than any man, family, my job, my health…judge me if you want…I don’t care…I don’t have to live my life by any set of rules other than the ones I set for myself. In the end I need to be true to myself and only people who like me for me really matter I will not compromise or change...life is far too short...

I will train harder, smarter and I will cross that finish line in 2012.

Count down: 8 days....thoughts

2011-06-15T10:21:00.002-04:00

First off...here is the link to the charity that from this point on I am connecting to each and every personal adventure and or challenge I make....I have a personal connection...and it is time to give back.

http://www.crowdrise.com/OvarianCancerResearchFundTeam/fundraiser/trailgrrl

I slept OK last night but I feel like I should be putting sleep away like money in the bank : ) I had a great work out with Trooper Dave at the Westboro gym lots of hard work and laughter...he is an awesome training partner as he has no problem taking suggestions from me..some men just get angry and snippy when working out with me..they can't take the fact that I work harder then them...my fav training partners have been Brian and TK as both men were just as focused in the gym as me and I would always learn from them. I have trained once with Mark but I really liked hitting the gym with him...we trained different body parts but because Mark is focused and has a real love for training it was just fun to go with him. I want him to help me with my squats though : ) He has pretty amazing trunks! Dave, like Roy, is different....he will take suggestions from me and help me with my pull ups and bench and laugh with me and it is just fun. Dave is my silliest training partner to date even though he worked really hard he just can't help but making jokes : ) Roy is a big guy and he focuses on the big lifts when at the gym, bench, shoulder press, squat, dead lifts and push ups pull ups and crunches..he is going for strength and does not bother with any of the single body part moves. I love training with other people as each one of them brings something to the plate that I can learn from.
In terms of my training I feel really good about it. I have peeked at some of the other Death Racers and honestly for a moment I felt like a little pip squeak ; ) there is this gorgeous creature Sophie who could bench me ha ha and Katie wow love the strength that she exudes...these woman are so strong and beautiful...what to me is a true reflection of beauty...strong, confident, muscular..not "skinny fat" they should be on the cover of Glamour and Vogue....so for a moment I had this little niggling hint of self doubt...yep I am strong for my size and I can run forever but there are certain things that may be really big and heavy at the race and I worry will I physically be able to move, carry, drag these things? Well when I feel this way I take a deeeeeeep breath and say to myself "yep you will...it will take you longer Mish but you will be able to do it". I know some of the D. Racers have posted their work outs on the Peak facebook site and they seem pretty fricken hardcore! Yet....I have to go into the race day doing what works for me : ) I need to bank on my strengths and not let my weaknesses hold me down...my heart will help me when I have to push or pull or carry heavy things, my legs will keep me moving along at a steady pace..my humor will keep me calm and at peace, my penchant for self depreciating humor will keep me humble and thankful, and my support will keep me fed, warm, dry and will kiss my boo boos ; )

Kevin always reminds me to love myself...hahaha it is funny but I NEED reminding at times...every morning I get a txt from Kev that says "good morning sunshine" and almost every night a txt that says good night in french : ) Dave txts me every morning when he leaves the overnight shift to say good morning and have a good day and txts me good night. Roy sends txts and leaves messages about his day and the farm and Quenton that always make me smile. Each day I am given little reminders about just how precious life really is and just how lucky I am to be here doing such amazing things and meeting such good people.

Someone once told me that I throw the word "friends" around too much...that men and woman really can't be friends and I have thought long and hard on that point....there are some truths to that statement but then again there really are some exceptions. I am who I am...at times I have "dated" men and even though it did not work in the long term I liked them so much I wanted to remain connected in some way...I have been accused of NEEDING male attention...and that is why I keep in contact with men from my past....but that is just not the case....those people who really know me know I do not like that kind of attention from men...I am not and never will be a flirt. If I am in a relationship with a man that person is my only focus and any other men in my life are there because I like to train, work out with, talk with or want to be a shoulder for them to lean on. I do not jump into relationships with men...it takes some time for me to get to know them and trust them I guess it takes a certain kind of man to be in a relationship with me and I have come to realize that I can not change who I am to be in a relationship...I will not pretend to be someone I am not.

I keep connections because I have come to realize just how precious life is and how the connections we make with people is the difference between living a static life and continuing to grow as a person.

Through the Death Race I have met quite a few amazing men. Strong men who are committed to their wives and girl friends, family, friends, goals, and who challenege themselves each and every day. I am so lucky to have the opportunity to get to know them, to train with them and come June 24th to race besides, behind and in some cases in front of them. I have met some of the women racing through facebook and I have seen through their pages and blogs the wide range of commitments and accomplishments they have made...some have sacrificed things and some have experienced hardship. I continue to be in awe of these athletes and this experience...if you asked me last January would I be doing what I am doing right now...well I can't say I knew in my heart I would be..I hoped my body and soul would heal enough...so today I end with this thought.....that which does not kill us makes us stronger....

Thought of the day....

2011-06-14T11:18:00.003-04:00

“Well behaved women rarely make history.”

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, American historian

true that!

Monadnock... the biggest little mountain in New Hampshire

2011-06-13T10:57:00.002-04:00

It was a good weekend...I am really excited that my fund drive for Ovarian cancer research has already raised 600 dollars in 2 days!! My mum stayed over and we had such a nice time getting drunk and gabbing about her childhood and mine at 4 Pond Street. Saturday I got many DR errands done and got in a good workout at the gym.

Sunday I went back to Monadnock to get in another DR training day. This time I met up with Dennis Lynch another DR guy from Goffstown NH. He will be doing the DR with Jay Defina from Manchester NH (Jay is a most excellent gentleman as well as keeper of the peace). Based on Jay being close with Dennis I knew I would like Dennis...and let me tell you.... he is the shit. Dennis has climbed Denali and Rainier

as well as all over the Whites. He is an ice climber and first responder. He is trying to get a job as a fire fighter. He is getting married to his gf Jen a nursing student in July. Dennis also just bought a fixer upper in Goffstown, he is training for the Death Race oh and cherry on the top of the sundae...he adopted a new puppy..oh wait for the sprinkles... he leaves Wednesday to climb Rainier again....and I was worried about over training before the Death Race...I am officially a big wussy...

Dennis had his pack ready to go for our first ascent, but for good measure he threw some huge rocks in it : ) I did the first summit with my weighted vest and smaller pack. We took the steepest route straight to the top and made excellent time...I fell in behind Dennis as he is a far stronger hiker than I am...and I am pretty strong. I have realized a few things in terms of training these past few months. The first thing is a weighted vest rocks for training..thanks TKLee...I have better cardio and a stronger core and back from wearing it. Second, hiking with a pack and hitting Monadnock as much as possible has made me and will continue to make me stronger and therefore I think when I return to training for my summer and fall ultras I will be able to knock time off of my 50k and 50m prs. I was also asked today to pace Sara and Patty at VT100 and my goal is to help get them to a sub 24 hour finish and get them their belts so all of this DR training helps me to help them!!!

The descent down white cross was so slick I had some seriously epic falls right on my face..lol I looked like a dork. I hit the bathroom and went to my car to fill my large pack for the second ascent. We took a side trail to the white arrow trail that was steep...we were making excellent time. The pace was WAY faster than any pace I would do for DR and that was actually good...I felt very strong. My legs are shorter and I had to use more total body at times to move up the rocks when Dennis was able to just step up onto the next rock, so I was pleased hiking with him and really putting in a good workout. We summited and then headed down the white cross trail a final time where I had my worse fall slicing my thumb all around and under the nail..looks pretty yucky today. At the end of the hike we decided to team up our support crews at DR..Dennis's fiance Jen, Jay's sister, Kev, Julie, Roy, Mark, Dave and other friends I have popping in throughout the weekend will all be set up together so that the three of us will always have someone there when we come in, and it will just be more fun for the support crews : )

Thinking back on the day..it was great...we had an easy convo going for the entire time we hiked...he is a funny dude...I like how he lives his life, and I love how he speaks about Jen...the way a man discusses his girl says a lot about him. The trail was pretty slick. I had some excellent falls...and when all was said and done last night I had pain in my right knee climbing stairs and climbing in and out of my car at Dave's softball game(to get warm) because of one terrific face fall, but that only helps build my mental strength as I WILL get hurt at DR and have to suffer through the pain.

Bliss

2011-06-09T13:02:00.002-04:00

I know that seems like a strange thing to post about, but it hit me today that I am happy and it has been quite a long time since I truly felt blissful.....

When I first started trail running, before the ultras and Death Race, back when I was focused on just being Stonehead champ...just running as many of the WMAC races http://runwmac.com/ that I could, training with my mentor Nipmuck Dave, when I first met the Tuggers (Kev, Dan, Em, Julie, Streph, Rob, Steve, Stas, Bill H) when I went on my first Blue Hills run with Garry and Kev and met Bob C. Deb and Steve Pero, Bogie and all the Trail Animals crew, when trail running was my muse...I experienced that state of euphoria quite often.

Those friends had my back when I got sick the first time, and again the second time...they were always there even though I turned away from them for a period of time... they always asked Kev about me...always checked in with him as he was the only one to still be in contact with me....I am lucky. I would not change anything that has happened in the past year as I think I have emerged a stronger person. I failed at WS but it made me rethink my training methods, I loved living with the Lee family and felt a part of something really special that I feel so blessed to have had in my life but I made some choices that ended up hurting people I cared for, and choices were made that ended up hurting me...it is what it is...I miss them...but there are things in life you just can't have...and accepting that fact is what makes you stronger. I experienced some serious health issues but I dealt with them the best I could. I isolated some people when I got sick again, but I felt I did what I had to do to keep the people I loved from having their lives disrupted.

I have been really hard on myself the past few months, but yesterday I just realized it was time to forgive myself.

I realized that I had moved to a point where I could look back and not feel regret...ahhhh the thing I hate most, second only to jealousy. I was able yesterday to say my past is just that..my past...and my future is wide open. I need to take what I have learned about myself from the past year and use that to make decisions that will bring me back to that state of bliss. I know what I want and need from a relationship, from my friends and family, from teaching, and from training and competing.

The Death Race is something I am doing for me. It is one path back to that state of bliss...it is 2 weeks away. I am so excited...not so much for the prerace hoopla...in fact that makes me anxious as hell. I am gonna stay low profile as my anxiety may come across as being snobby when in truth I am just kinda shy and uncomfortable with lots of talk and noise and people....What I am excited for is the race itself...for the moment when the group thing they make us do to torture us and make us quit is done with....the moment I get to be on my own ...some where hopefully out on those gorgeous trails in the dark with some stars in the sky...lugging whatever crazy thing they want me to lug..just me challenging me.

I guess this years DR theme is religion.....I am not religious in the traditional sense, but in a way the state of bliss that I am searching for is the closest I get to whatever presence is behind it all...so my bliss..my religion will be experienced on those trails around Amee farm....

Amee Farm weekend Death Race training 3 weeks out and Peak 53 ultra

2011-06-06T12:39:00.002-04:00

Spent the weekend on the Peak campus (penned by KZ) and I would not have wanted to be anywhere else.

Gorgeous weather for a race and training. Kev and I arrived early and sat our big tushes out on the Grist Mill patio for a few drinks and for Kev a few friend Pickles (ugh). I was tired from being pretty sick Thursday and Friday so the resting on the porch was good for more than my soul : ) Kev and I also needed to decompress and catch up. I have been going through some tough shit so far in 2011.. only a few friends people know what is going on...Kev and Julie are two of the few.. so I spent some time talking not always serious as I am not really a doom and gloom kind of gal..just me trying to work through what is going on, how I am going to handle it, and as always busting my own balls cuz that is what I do best....

We left the General Store and checked into the Clear River Inn http://clearriverinnvt.com/cool place with a great dive bar right there. Clean enough for me as I am not too picky...we dropped off our stuff and headed to the General Store so Kev could get his race number as he was running the Peak Ultra as was Julie and our friend Christine M. We saw Sara P at the store as well she ended up rocking the course as first female and 3rd overall..Christine got 3rd female...cripes those two amaze me. We saw Andy and I let him know I was on my way to the farm to carry the hay bale to the top...he kind of laughed and said that he did not get any bales delivered yet. I explained that Kev and I already stopped at the farm and asked one of the workers if he had a hay bale...he walked me over to one that was wet and kind of gross and he said you can take this one. So I bid Andy adieu and Kev and I went to Amee Farm http://www.ameefarm.com/ . We saw Julie right off the bat and she walked over the the hay bale with us. I decided to cover the bale with my roof rack netting to keep its form better. Kev had two plastic handles and I put them through the twine on the bale and picked it up and onto my shoulders.

I had Kev take a pic and put my camera in my bag so I could take a second pic at the top to show Andy and I was off. It was about 5:15pm 3 hours later I was running along the road to the General Store to show Andy my pic. It was not as hard as I thought. My legs and back are ripped up and have lots of little bites all over them due to bugs (fleas I imagine) in the bale. I hiked with it on my back to the metal bridge...then moved it down to carry it along the front of my legs for about .5 miles but the bites were really annoying. I decided to attach the two plastic handles together making a foot long handle and attached that to the bale and proceeded to drag that sucker up the mountain. I took the race course or Peak53 course following the pink ribbons then I took the stairs trail to the escalator trail and then jumped back on the pink ribbon course. There were shorter routes but I was not familiar with them and for the Death race they don"t allow short cuts... It was tough when the netting got stuck on roots and rocks and I would have to stop and go unwrap it. Otherwise I just moved up the mountain at a pretty even pace...I did not have to stop and rest as my cardio is good. The last section was tough as it was steep and there were lots of rocks at one point I was like parallel pulling the bale but kind of being suspended until I could get my footing : )

The worse part of the whole thing was forgetting to put on bug spray at the farm...the mosquitoes had a feast I had some huge honking bites on me...two on my forehead that were somewhat disconcerting ; ) When I got to the top I took the netting off and the clicked a pic.

The run down was gorgeous...I just floated down that trail. When got back to the store Andy laughed and asked me to send a pic. He and Kev talked about his swim of the English Channel he was training for and Kev talked up using duck tape for keeping stinging nettles off of him....I just focused my attention of the jar of Swedish fish and begged Kev for some money. I bought myself a yummy little bag of candy and then Kev and I took off for our room to shower, eat and head to the bar. We had stopped in Whole Foods in Boston before heading to VT and I had brought a nice prepared salad of chicken and veges which I devoured on the bed while watching the History Channel. We took quick showers or a least I did but I refused to wash my hair as it is a pain in my butt to dry it...I just combed out the bugs and washed the dirt off my body..the scratches, flea and mosquito bites were covered by my jeans but the huge bites on my forehead were not
: ( We went to the bar had a few drinks gabbed and laughed and listened to a dude playing some cool southern acoustic rock...I was happy happy happy....life does not get any better than this...a great workout glass of wine, good music and good company....bliss baby.....

We went back to the room and pretty much I fell asleep by 11. Alarm sounded at 4:30 am. Kev had to prepare his drop bags so I just lolled in bed a bit and then I ended up going to the General Store at around 5:20 to grab coffee and the girl there made me a delicious smoothie with my protein powder I brought..oh was it yummy..went back and grabbed Kev. I was not dressed to start training but saw Ray at the store and told him I would meet him at the farm to send Kev and Juli out and then would need to go back to the room to get ready for our training. Kev and I arrived at the farm. I saw Amy L and gave her a big hug she is so sweet she just came off of a first place finish at Pineland and was here to pace her bf Brian as he ran the 53..she is training for VT100 and was taking a well deserved rest day. I saw Kev and Julie off on the course...went over to ray and it was decided he would head off up the mountain and I would meet him at the top. I went back to the room, changed put water in bladder grabbed a sandwich and a GU and made my way back to the farm. I headed out on the trail with nothing so I could catch up with Ray. We met on the stairs trail he was carrying a bucket of bricks and had on his full pack...I was lite as a feather for this fist part of the hike so I grabbed a big rock and decided to carry that.

I am mostly a loner..there are few people I enjoy training/running with..obviously Kev is one, Tom was always someone I loved training with, my friend Brian was one of my fav gym partners, and John M. has an open invite to train with me any day and now there is Ray.

Ray is someone that has gained my utmost respect and admiration. He has an amazing story to tell, but it is not mine to tell, so I can only say that I was blessed with the opportunity to hear it from Ray as we hiked up that mountain. He is a good man, and I don't throw that compliment around lightly. I especially liked hearing about his wife and kids...this man will finish DR and if I can help him in any way while out on the course well....I have his back. We hiked up and down the mountain then went to cars. I grabbed my weighted vest and Ray dropped off his buckets and we headed out to the trails on the opposite side of the street from the farm that I am unfamiliar with. We talked alot about the race, our lives, some times we just hiked in silence. This loop was long and some sections were pretty tough..we got lost well not really lost as Ray always had an idea where we were. We kept going on and off the Peak 53 course and at one point ended out on these beautiful back roads. I was glad to have the vest..Tom was so right..it is a great training tool. It makes your shoulders ache and you need to keep your balance and your core strength at all times.

I felt good out there....I liked training with Ray because he is humble and kind and generally appreciates life..he is not a whiner or a bragger...I don't mesh well with those kind of people. I can't wait for those times during the race, especially the over nights, when I am alone and it is just me and the trail. I hope they make us do a marathon...I hope they incorporate long hikes carrying something....I am at my best and feel most myself during lone overnight hikes. Kevin will laugh when he reads this because he knows me so well. I become so overwhelmed by situations where there are lots of people and noise...I am not shy exactly....how to explain it...well I work with kids who have Aspergers and I often connect with these students when others don't.... I just get where they are coming from maybe it is because I experience similar reactions to the world as they do.

When we finished up Ray had to head out. I gave him a big hug and headed back out on the trail with my bucket and harness system Dave sewed for me. I filled the bucket with a gallon of water and enough rocks so that it was about 30 lbs. I headed back up the Amee farm side of the mountain. The harness system needs to be tweaked a bit it is too long and hits my thighs, but overall it worked well. When I was done with this loop I dropped off my bucket and headed back out on the course to hopefully meet up with Julie and Kev to run the last loop with them. That was when I saw Brian and Amy. I knew then that Kev had seriously underestimated his finish time. Later after the race Kev said he realized out on the course that this was the case. It was about 5 p.m. (I think) when I went to mile 37 to see if he had come in and found out they were still about 2 hours back. I went back to hotel and got it for a second night. Showered and went to bar ordered a wine and chicken wing and watched baseball. Headed back to mile 37 and Julie and Kev rolled in and I gave them both big hugs and grabbed their drop bags and saw them off. At this point I knew they had some time before finishing so I kept myself busy. I eventually headed to the finish at the farm and joined the small group around the camp fire. I was quiet and just enjoyed the heat of the fire until Andy called attention to me as Death Racer and I blanched...I am not super talkative but thankfully most people there could have given too shits as they just ran Peak and or were waiting for friends to finish so I had a few "that's nice" or "that's cool" and a few nice smiles were made in my direction and then I was quickly ignored : ) and I went back to my quiet mode in front of the fire waiting for Julie and Kev. A little after 10 pm Saturday night my love bugs crossed that finish line with HUGE smiles on their faces...I could not have been more proud of both of them...Julie has some shit in her life that she mucks through with grace and beauty that I could only dream of showing and Kev...well what can I say about my turnip other than he has a huge f'in heart. These two are my Death Race support and I am truly blessed...

We went back to the room and Julie and Kev showered and Julie and I talked for a bit which was nice as I have not had lots of time to be with her. I have been MIA from the ultra community for a variety of reasons so far this year, so I have missed talking with Julie.....Kev always keeps her up to date about what has transpired in my life and she always sends good advice and positive energy my way. Kev and I went back to the bar and chowed on popcorn and had some drinks..we pretty much passed out pretty quick when we got back. Sunday we slept in and then went to the General Store for a big breakfast and yummy espresso. Back to the room to pack up and head off. Great conversation on the way home. I had been mulling over a really tough decision all weekend and Kev just listened he did not put in his two sense as he has kept out of this part of my life and has just lent an ear to me. I know he has hurt watching me hurt and cry the past 6 months over the loss of someone dear to me...I made the decision to break the tie as I was not moving forward and not healing but instead hoping for something that would never come..it was hard and I felt my heart break all over again. Then we stopped at a McDonald's to go to the bathroom. I saw a Luna moth on the wall and the moth walked on my finger and Kev took a photo. I love Luna moths and rarely see them..in fact I have only found a dead one once...

I felt like this was some sort of sign....I took the moth and put it on the back seat of my car and when I got home let it go in my landlord's garden. Maybe Dan sent it...I believe that he is always watching out for me...maybe it is a sign that I made the right decision letting go of the past even though it hurts so much...maybe it means my DR will be everything I want it to be...or just maybe the moth was there because it was dying....maybe it has something to do with death....I hope not....I have some health decisions to make in the next month and I want the end result to be positive....whatever it means it is like my friend Kelly always says...there are signs everywhere you just have to have an open heart and an open mind and if you do they can help lead you to the right path...that path may not be one that is easy.....it may be filled with pain and sorrow but it is still the path that we must sometimes choose..if you always choose the easy path...well where is the fun in that!

Monadnock DR overnight training

2011-05-31T13:42:00.002-04:00

Well it is Tuesday morning and I am back at school...the long weekend just a memory....
The highlight of the Memorial Day weekend for most is beach or boating picnics or excessive drinking...but for me it was all pretty low key...the highlight was spending Saturday night into Sunday with two most excellent men who for both hiking all night in the woods and seeing the sun rise on the trail was a first...

Saturday I drove into the city to pick up Jon McEvoy a crossfit athlete and owner ,with his beautiful wife, of Craic Crossfit in Dedham. The June Death Race is John's first and this overnight was his first as well. We were driving to Hollis NH to Tom's house meeting up with him and then heading out for food and then to Monadnock to start the overnight around 9 p.m.

I was really impressed with John right off the bat. A level headed guy just 26, already achieved his childhood dream to own his own gym. God I laughed to myself as at 26 I was back form the Peace Corps living in my brothers walk in closet owning nothing and just trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I knew that he would be a good fit with Tom and I for training so I was getting excited to get out there. When we arrived at Tom's both John and Tom had HUGE packs they stepped on the scale and each of them had about an extra 60 t0 70 lbs on their backs...I ended up with about 30lbs on my back.

We headed out for dinner at Pasta Loft...I was the only one who ordered a drink ; ) as I pretty much can't go without a glass of wine with my meal. We ordered the salad that Tom and I used to get whenever we ate at the loft. We left and made our way out to the back side of Monadnock and we were ready to head out on the trail by 9 p.m. Tom suggested we head up Monadnock first. We would summit and return to the trail head for the Monadnock Sunapee trail system. http://www.msgtc.org/ The goal was for Tom and John to experience an overnight, being on their feet all night, check pack comfort and nutrition for an overnight. We wanted to get in as many miles as we could without running but just keeping a steady fast pace.

We started up the trail with me in the lead. I had done overnights many times and had experience on Monadnock and the MS trail system. I also had less weight on my back having only 30 to their 65 lbs....I also am lighter and more like a mountain goat to Tom and John's bull..hehe...the hike was tough at times as we were basically climbing up a running river. The rocks and roots were slick and at times you must climb up and over huge boulders and getting a grip is difficult...both Tom and John, but mostly Tom had some wicked falls..I had 2 one I rolled and it was actually not bad as I am used to falling with trail running so I know to just let my body go with it and trust gravity when I fall..I have one bruise on my leg and some nasty scratches from prickers and that is it. The temperature at the base of the mountain was perfect. We all stopped to take off clothing layers as it was around 60 to 65 degrees all night...a slice of heaven. As we ascended higher and higher visibility started to really decrease...I am talking like 5 feet in front of you was black...the air got colder...and the wind really picked up.

On the top of Monadnock there is no tree cover and it was really sketchy in terms of footing as you need to climb up huge boulders...there was not a single star in the sky...at one point we turned off our headlamps and stood near the summit in the pitch black...I have experienced this before so I forget how awesome it really is...but both Tom and John were the right people to do this training with because they totally understood why this is such an awesome thing to do...I have years of over night hikes under my belt..my friend Dan who died two October's ago in Afghanistan understood the power of this and we would take off for the whites last minute and start a hike at like 2 or 3 am so we could be on the summit for sun rise...I took a moment Saturday night and thought of Dan as I truly believe he watches over me...It was pretty fricken cool to say the least. We headed back down and it went faster although we tended to fall more in the descent. When we returned to the car we felt pretty good although we decided to lose some of the weight for the main portion of the hike. I had some trouble at first finding the trail. I took it on myself to lead and Tom and John did not seem to mind. I enjoyed watching out for the white blazes and did pretty well until around 2:30 am when I got us lost. The goal was to stay awake all night and keep moving so getting lost was not really a big issue. Tom and John were cool and at one point we looked over the map as we stood at an intersection of streets trying to figure out where we went wrong...and we were not really worked up about it...the Death Race is all about being flexible and keeping your cool so it was good practice : ) Tom must have fallen like 20 times on the mountain and he never let it get to him. We will experience frustration levels times 100 in relation to that night. One thing I realized was boy they eat alot!! I had an egg sandwich that took me like 3 hours to eat and 4 chocolate covered espresso beans...Tom ate so much I don't know where the heck it all went! At one point along the hike there was a bear off to the left of the trail which I heard snort and alerted the guys to so we could slowly retreat a bit to allow the bear to hear us talk and move along. Later on we had to do the same thing with a big fat skunk walking on the trail..Tom finally threw a rock to get him to move off the trail. This was the 4th time I have encountered a bear when hiking at night.

We ended up doing some where between 17 and 18 miles total and ended the hike at 6am. The final part of the hike along a dirt road I could tell that John and Tom were having their second wind...experiencing the burst of energy that comes with the sun rising and the birds singing. It was cool to experience this with them. It was a great night. I wish for more nights like this...I realize I would rather hike all night then hit a bar or go to a fancy restaurant....my egg sandwich on the trail was delicious : )

I feel like I am at a good point in my training mentally and physically. Next weekend I head to the farm to tackle the hay bale Friday night and train all day Saturday. It is strange to say but I would not want to be any place else next weekend..it makes me giddy and light and happy : )

Death Race Training: Bucket brigade, Monadnock, and focus

2011-05-27T13:33:00.002-04:00

So the other night my buddy Trooper Dave came over with his sewing machine....yep Trooper as in "State" and sewing machine as in "machine that sews" and he got down and dirty with his bobber and fashioned me the coolest system to attach my bucket to : ) I relaxed on the couch sipping wine while Dave (who has the most menacing stare I have ever seen) sewed away with a big smile on his face....

I tended to get slightly annoyed when I was asked to get my fat butt off the couch to try said harness system on and I made sure that Dave saw how large and menacing my guns were...just needed to let the man know who he is dealing with...all 107 lbs of badass that is me...I snort as I write this... I was like "ohhh a picture hold on let me fix my hair....does my butt look big...hold on I need some lip gloss" ..heheheh

Well the system is amazing and Trooper Dave is a whiz with a bobber (I couldn't stop laughing when he kept talking about his fricken bobber..hahaha) so I will use this Saturday night for the over night training.

So Saturday into Sunday Tom, John M a DR guy from Boston and I will be doing an overnight. Plan is to meet up with Tom at 6....grab dinner and a couple of beers(Tom Beer me wine..John have not met him so no idea if he drinks) then head to Drumlin trail head at Monadnock with full pack (I am wearing weighted vest as I imagine Tom will as well) summit Monadnock then return to car and hike the Monadnock Sunapee trail out and back for about 30 miles. I plan to then summit the mountain at least 2 more times with a bucket or a tire Sunday. Basically just time on feet, lack of sleep, fricken buckets, Tom's incessant gabbing..basically just pushing a few of our own buttons....actually Tom does not "gab" in fact the word "gab" and TKLee will never share the same sentence....actually Tom is friendlier than I when training...I seem to come across as quiet and or intense...really it is just that I don't have anything interesting to say.....

This morning I was txting with TKLee and at one point he wrote "you need to focus". It kind of stopped me in my tracks. I NEED TO FOCUS. I really do...I am all over the place right now...it is kind of who I am in a way...but I am also someone who likes to retreat into the solitude of myself and lately I have not given myself the luxury of any solitude...I can't wait for June 4th...I am heading to Pittsfield...Andy graciously said he would get me a hay bale...I am taking all f'in night if I have to to get that thing to the top...and down if Andy says he wants it back...and then hopefully training with Ray on Saturday...

Friday night will be so awesome..quiet, dark, all by myself.... just let my mind go blank...empty it of all the shit that is floating around in there...DR training is so good for my mental health...it is what I do for me...every other worry... my health, relationships, family.... fall by the wayside and it is just me pushing my body past comfort points that it would normally put in place . Those things your mind tells you to protect your body from pain...your mind wants to f with you.... it whispers..."you can't do this Michelle because (insert word.. it is too hard, painful, scary)".

Well I have had enough crap piled on my plate the last 4 years and I made it through pretty much intact...this past year in a nutshell sucked.. it can't get any worse...trust me ; ) so I have nothing to lose and everything to gain from this point on...

sicky sicky sick sick sicky

2011-05-18T08:03:00.002-04:00

Oh over training..... when will I learn my lesson....blobs of green phlegm in the sink... coughing fits that make me look like a tomato...sipping theraflu like it is good scotch...and yet I still go to the gym...I still put on that damn vest on and hit the hills..I run around sledgehammering tires and dragging chains and jumping on boxes and in between circuits spit up chunks of my lung....good times...I go out for sushi or wings after and drink and then go home and get a few hours of sleep...wtf...I am not in my 20's anymore...jeez I am not even in my 30's...

Monday and Tuesday I have taken off from training I have dragged my sick tush into school and the kids have been wonderful as I croak out directions like a frog. I stop at Whole Foods after school and grab some yummy veges and grilled chicken head home slip into pj's pour a glass wine and read through my stack of books. I finally called the doctor went in after school and she put me on antibiotics and gave me codeine infused cough syrup...last night after the most delicious rare steak, tahini veges, and kale I took two teaspoons of the stuff...it stated only to take one...I woke up with this morning with my alarm buzzer screaming and like 5 minutes to spare...teeth brushed, messy pony tail, jeans, black T, pink Chuck Taylors and I am off to grab the largest espresso laden coffee I can find. How do I feel today? I am not sure... still think the codeine is in my tiny body making me a bit foggy.

Today I will go back to the gym...Chris and his big tires are waiting for me...two days...that is all I can give myself silly as it sounds...June 24th is creeping up on me...

Camp without the bug juice

2011-05-10T13:35:00.002-04:00

This past weekend I headed up to Pittsfield for DR camp. It was being held at the same time the McNaughton ultras were going on which was wicked cool as I have considered myself an ultra runner until just recently when I decided to release myself from the need to define myself as anything : )

I headed up Friday night to avoid a three hour drive in the dark. I got a cheap room in Killington for like 50 bucks. I stopped by the farm to see how the runners were doing and saw Andy. He suggested I head out for a loop or two of the course. I needed to stretch my legs after the drive so I went to the room and changed headed back and Andy gave me some pink tape (perfect match to my pink shorts) and headed out. Oh how I loved this 10 mile loop : ) I was feeling really strong and did the loop in 1:40 without really putting any stress on myself. The treadmill work at 15% incline I did all winter have really paid off in terms of my ability to run so many more inclines than any prior racing season. I felt really strong out there. All the runners on the course were friendly and in great spirits. I made sure to say hi and give encouragement to everyone I saw. I know how those long overnight runs can be really difficult and how far a little smile or positive feedback can go a long way : ) I tied quite a few more pink ribbons focusing on places that may seem confusing during the night portion. Confidence markers can be helpful when you are zoning out from exhaustion. Saw a cute guy with lots of tats..introduced myself and he said he would love to have a pacer for some of the overnight..I never went back out instead going out to a bar for Bruins and wings...I regret not hanging around as I think he would have been far more interesting than the Bruins ; )

After gorging myself on 2 orders of wings and two glasses of wine I headed back to my room and literally passed out. 4:30 alarm goes off and I make some cheap hotel room coffee and watched the PX90 informercial (I love it) I ate an orange and then got myself dressed and headed out to the farm. Of course I was late and Tom was already there in his fancy new tights with everything but the kitchen sink in front of him. His gf was helping him organize his pack and wiping his runny nose for him (haha not really).

After a quick discussion we were sent out on the first task which was to walk to the river fill a contractors bucket with water and then head up to the top of the mountain pour it out then find ten pieces of wood and cut it for the fire and then fill bucket with rocks and carry it 5 miles back down. I started out with Tom and a few other guys but I was going at a far slower pace from the bucket smacking me in my leg...told Tom to take off would see him later and then found myself alone. It was hard going with the bucket for me. I just could not keep it from smacking into my leg...as I type this I have yellow bruises all over both sides of my legs from moving the bucket back and forth between hands. Carrying buckets with half my body weight will be the toughest thing to adapt to come June. I realize it will just be mind of matter...zoning out and letting the pain just be accepted part of the whole process...the pain won't be there forever..once the race is over I don't have to pick up another fucking bucket if I don't want to ; ) haha when I am about 3 miles into the hike a girl comes running by and yells "I am one of you" I had no idea what she was talking about..she then went on to say a long string of information that I missed most of (she was a cute young thing but a bit of a fast talker; ) and then she ran off. Later I met up with her at the top..I guess she was there for camp but arrived late so she did not fill her bucket with water and may have been worried I would have thought she was cheating. Truth be known I would not have noticed or cared what she was doing as I don’t put any energy into what other people do with their training but just focus on what I need to get done. So once at the top I meet up with Tom and the two other guys getting ready to head down. A quick bit of silly banter with Tom and they are off. Tom said he would wait but I told him not to worry and just keep on moving. He offered up his axe and I said no which I regretted as mine sucks (note to self...need new axe). When the scrounging through prickers for wood and chopping up of said wood was done I filled bucket with rocks and headed down. After one mile of banging into already bruised legs I said f this and started to carry the bucket in my arms like I was carrying the groceries..I have strong biceps so it was a good choice and I was able to pick up the pace a good deal.

Once I got to the bottom I saw Jack and Andy and they shared that we would be putting a puzzle together next...so I hate puzzles..but turns out I hate cold water even more...and surprise surprise..Jack thought up this task of us standing in the pond with the puzzle on a piece of cardboard....I need to give the man kudos for this one ; ) I would have to put this together with Will who Andy grabbed and sent into the water with me. Will....such a cutie if I was like 20 something years younger ; ) I believe I was old enough to be his mother..he was a great sport and we were able to finish the puzzle of an Amazon wood frog I think in about 30 minutes. Needless to say I was shaking like a god damn leaf (and so was Will) I had crazy chapped lips and my woohoo was numb..good times...I got out and forced a hug on my new bff Will and headed to my car to change. Next task was to do 100 burpees, 100 sit ups, 100 lunges, 100 pushups and 100 jumping jacks. This is especially fun to do when your feet and legs are still numb from the cold. Once that was done I was sent back to the river to drop off my rocks. When I got back with my bucket I was sent back again to get enough rocks to build two columns high enough to lay my axe across and crawl under. Luckily I am 5'4" and 107 lbs..I needed like 6 rocks total...haha...Tom's gf told me to build mine over a divit in the earth which made it even easier to go under. Then back to the river to drop of the rocks and back to the start. We were then told we had to run the 10 mile loop and it was timed..I was psyched : ) yippee we could run without our packs...I grabbed my hand helds and took off...but not before I heard the time comment was a farce...haha they do mess with your mind. I loved that run..felt awesome was able to finish up doing 10 minute miles. I passed the other campers and then got back to the start. I was told there were a few more mental challenges we could do but I decided to take off as I am mentally challenged enough and I had a three hour ride home. Got home around 6:30 showered and headed to halfway cafe where I proceeded to down 3 bowls of popcorn and 10 chicken wings...and to think I was a vegetarian for 20 years up until like 9 months ago..haha...mommies day was sunday and I had to be a good daughter so off to sleep I went

I love camp...

Death Race Training

2011-05-04T11:35:00.002-04:00

So Tom and I have decided to do the Death Race together. We have been through a great deal since we first met. We have had some amazing times together, but we have also worked our way through some really tough times.   We were not always so nice to one another. Anger and accusations...hurt feelings.... but at the same time I learned a great deal about myself since I met Tom. I realize so many things about myself and I am far happier. I have regrets, but then again doesn't everyone? The bottom line is we will have a blast at this race and will motivate one another to finish.

Kevin and Julie will be our support. I don't know how to begin to explain the comfort I have in those two backing us. Julie has been with me throughout the last few months through a virtual universe and through phone calls with Kev.   Kev well what can I say.  He is steadfast in his friendship even when I run away and hide..he patiently waits for me to come out of my little hole in the ground and always forgives me my silliness.   What did I do to deserve such friendships? I am blessed. I have had many friends say they hope to stop by even my Mom said she wants to come and see : )

So now that we have agreed to commit to this race as a team we have decided to not leave one another's side. One will finish with the other beside them...we will not let each other quit. Tom understands why this is important to me and I understand why this is important to him. There can't be failure...there can't be any regret. It is not all seriousness with Tom and I..in fact our training is mostly baiting and teasing one another and calling each other nasty names ; ) For example Tom couldn't stop talking about his fricken weighted vest. Seriously it was boarding on obsessive compulsive rain man like blathering. I teased him mercilessly about it. Tom kept sending me links from weightedvest.com or some such silly sight...and many jokes were txted back and forth about the fact that a weighted vest is not really that important a thing to have for training.

Last week we get the email from Matt Sorka about the final D.R. camp this coming weekend. There is a list attached...note item number 7...are u joking....

-Water

-Food

-Ax

-Back pack

-Camel pack

-Change of clothing/ socks

-Weighted vest

-Trail shoes

-Head lamp

-A Smile

Of course Tom thought this v. funny....but not as funny as me running around between work outs on Saturday to find a weighted vest...haha just desserts Michelle...60 dollars poorer actually 79 as I bought some cool grips for carrying buckets for long distances without having to deal with the extreme pain of heavy wire bucket handles digging into the flesh of your palm.

So on to training. I have been working with a trainer for a month or two. Chris out of Gold's Marlboro. He is an excellent motivator and we actually have a great time. He pushed me to do a variety of things that will mimic some of the tasks at the Death Race. I feel stronger. I am not that happy with my weight loss. I am down to 108- 107 at the end of the day and that is on a full stomach! I eat very clean minus going out dinner most every night...

I am running in the morning and in the afternoon now. 2x a week either a morning interval on the treadmill or a trail run and then in the afternoon either a treadmill speed workout or trail run. I have started a kind of run/dinner thing on Thursdays with my friend Scott who is training for his first ultra. I like his pace and I like Carlisle where he usually trains. I also like to grab dinner after or like last week make dinner and listen to music. Again I am blessed with the people that come into my life.   I will also hit the gym an additional day or two for upper body and lower body.

So training schedule looks like this:

Monday:
Upper Body and recovery run

Tuesday:
Speed intervals (3 mi) on treadmill and trail run (5-8 mi)

Wednesday
Train with Chris
Treadmill with weighted vest

Thursday
Speed intervals
Legs & shoulders
or
Trail run 5-6 mi

Friday
Train with Chris
treadmill w weighted vest

Saturday & Sunday
Depending on whether or not I have a race I will do a gym workout one day total body low weight high reps and the other weekend day I will either run a race or train long with pack/vest/weight in hands/arms.

This weekend I did dbl gym on Saturday and Sunday I trained with Tom on the Wapack trail. We headed out pretty early. Tom had his new pack which we had bought at REI last week. It is the first pack he has ever owned...Tom Lee is no boyscout. We hit the trails and did a great workout by the end my back and arms were sore as hell, but we both agreed after the fact we should ahve trained longer and harder but Tklee needed to spend time with his woman so we cut it short. Monday morning I did intervals 3 mi 33 minutes at gym and then in the afternoon I had a tough recovery run with my friend Ken in Pisgah....omg it was a recovery day and I had run in the am. It was a super fast pace along a very hilly rock and rooty single track trail in Pisgah in Northboro...it was awesome to be challenged as much as I was, but I will keep my runs with Ken for non recovery days. Tuesday a tough upper body work out and then 2 miles on treadmill with 20lb vest speed 3 elevation 15%....tonight train with Chris..2 miles on treadmill with vest after and then meeting a friend out for wings and Bruins. Thursday hopefully train with Scott and Friday rest as this weekend is the DR camp and I plan on heading up after a doctors appointment Friday. I am psyched....I know this will be the first taste of what the race will be like..even though I did the Winter DR Andy and Joe said that was far easier....Tom will meet me at the farm Saturday and we will motivate one another and I am sure bust each others balls : ) I joked that I plan on wearing my hot pants as there may be a cute guy or two running the course for McNaughton or at the camp....then again I will probably be too smelly, muddy and disheveled to garner a second look hot pants or not..

TARC Spring Classic

2011-04-26T11:12:00.002-04:00

This past Saturday was wet. Wet and cold. Two things that I had some issues with in 2010 in terms of my DNF's.  I have had three DNF's in my life... two of the three were Wapack and VT50 both ran during downpours in late fall and early spring respectively, and for one I ended up in the emergency room naked, dirty and compromised in a way that does not need to be repeated here....DNF's are a sore spot for me because for the past few years I was dealing with cancer, over training, and as a result I had my DNF's but let it be known my complete lack of common sense in terms of dressing for the weather never helps. I don't have huge stores of body fat to keep me warm...I get cold in the summer in AC...

So I have always had a slight issue with downpours and cold. My lifestyle can often be described as based on a "less is more" attitude and that relates to clothing as well...I do not like a lot of it and do not like anything tight or restrictive...running tights are the devil's tool ; )

If I had my way I would live in baby doll dresses and flip flops or hot pants and tanks. I can't stand running in pants and that can be an issue in winter weather as well as rainy weather.  It is funny as I run so much with Kev and it is a running joke between us that he is gear man and I am never prepared. That has actually worked to my benefit though as Kev always has extra stuff for me to borrow...god bless Kev and his over packing (although he is getting better!)

Still you can't wear shorts in the dead of winter. So I bought a pair of tights for running this winter...searched high and low and finally found the ever elusive "low riders" running tights which did not squish my tummy but did fall off my ass for the entire 32 miles I ran the Cape Cod Frozen Fat Ass... luckily I had a long jacket on.

So to get to the point...what the hell was my point??? ummm oh the Tarc Spring classic..I again did not set out to run the race appropriately attired. I had no hat no gloves no pants...nope...just pink hot pants, a long sleeve shirt and my pigtails. Luckily Kev had a pair of gloves I left behind from DRB (actually gloves I made him carry during DRB...well not MADE him carry but asked him nicely to carry...along with my jacket and some fuel...oh I am a pain in the tush)

This was the first ever TARC spring classic 50k and it was in Weston, MA. Bob C and Josh K put the race on. And I was really excited to get out there. Bob C will always hold a special place in my heart as he helped me so much in my goal to run WS100 last year....he set me up with the best pacers and the people on the ground in CA that he had set up for me were amazing. I am proud to call myself a Trail Animal. But I am also a Tugger...so this race meant a great deal as I was able to see so many fellow trail animals and tuggers like Emily, Dan, Rob, Steve, Christine, Garry and Paul running and Bob and Josh put on a truly spectacular race and of course Kev was there doing his volunteer work for I believe The Bear...

The course was a loop course and the volunteers did an amazing job setting up the markers, both chalk "trail animal" feet on the ground and ribbons on trees and on poles in ground. There were rocks and roots and mud galore and stream crossings and some nice hills to run up. Just a really gorgeous fast course. The 50k was 5 loops of the course and if this was a dry sunny day I believe many of us would have had a 50k pr. The race started with I believe Josh dressed as the big hairy Trail Animal...the racers let out a collected growl yelp or roar and we were off. The first loop felt great...my speed work on the treadmill over the winter has really helped as well as the incline work on Tom's crazy incline treadmill. I miss that treadmill!!! It kills me to think Tom runs on that thing with a weighted vest...I would die just doing the 40% with out holding on to the bars! I felt great for the first two loops but I was honestly a bit hot by the end of the second loop..so I set out for the third loop with out my rain coat. The rain had petered out or so I thought. BIG mistake. The rain came down and came down HARD. I was soaked immediately and chilled to the bone. I saw Rob on the third loop and we knocked knuckles today he was going for his first ultra finish and he was looking VERY strong and confident on the course..I knew he had it in the bag...When I came in to head out for the fourth loop my hands were frozen into claws. I removed my wet shirt and ran just in my sports bra and rain coat...Kev had to help me get my gloves on and Emily had to pick my wedge (I love my little kitten...who else but an amazing friend would pick your wedgie for you ; ) I did not see Steve or Dan on the course, but had run for a bit with Christine...she looked so strong in fact she passed me easily on the fourth loop with about 1.5 miles to go and took off like a speeding bullet.  The fourth loop I was not sore my legs still felt good I was just so cold that all my muscles were seizing from running in a hunched position. I knew when I came in for the fourth that I would drop down to marathon as my lips were blue and I was becoming dangerously cold. I had prior experiences with this and now know how to read the signs of my body saying no can do Michelle...your core is just too cold. I did not know that you could not drop down...so even though I ended with a marathon PR (almost 25 minutes faster than my Nipmuck PR) I am listed as a DNF.

Truth is if I knew I would have been given a DNF I would have gone back out on the course for the 5th loop and that probably would not have been the safest course of action for me. Dan, Rob(ultra finish yippeee) and Steve all stuck it out and finished the 50k. Dan has had some serious issues with injury this past year so this was a major deal for him and it is soooo cool, and well Steve just sticks it out no matter what you throw at the guy.

I am a bit disappointed but as I am still dealing with the repercussions of my last health crisis and I must realize I am not like other people in terms of my training and racing...I have some stuff that will always be there in terms of my health...much like Julie and Streph have had to deal with in terms of their running so I need to be smart about what I push my body to do. The Death Race is my ultimate goal for this year. It seems as if Tom and I txt about the race and our training at least 10 times a day : )

I was proud of my time Saturday and I need to remember why I do what I do..ultimately it is for me....DNF yeah I don't like it...but when I am just ashes being thrown off a mtn top no one there is going to bring up the fact I DNF'd at the TARC 50k : )

DRB

2011-04-18T09:40:00.002-04:00

This past weekend was excellent in terms of training. Hit a workout with Chris Friday night and increased weight and or reps for all exercises in the program so VERY pleased with that. My wide grip pull ups are really increasing in terms of reps and ease. Had a nice dinner out Friday and saw some live music so perfect start to vacation. Saturday got in a wicked arm work out at gym and then did a short but vicious series of body weight exercises that really fatigued my arms. Saturday night out to Halfway with a friend then grabbed Garry at Logan as he is staying with me for the marathon. Headed to bed early due to the 4 am wake up for DRB.

Kev rented a car so Garry could have my car to head into the expo in Boston to grab his race number. After a huge snafu with the zip car Kev rented we arrived at the start well past the 6 am start. We headed out closer to 7 but that turned out to be a godsend as the rain ended right when we finished the first mile of the course. What stunk is having to carry our jackets and sweatshirts for the first 13 miles! Kev grabbed my rain jacket though and I just had to tie my WS sweatshirt around my waist so that was helpful. Any one who has run DRB knows your times will be VERY slow compared to any other race time you have had...Kev and I got lost within the first 4 miles and had to back track. You need to stop at intersections just to read the map! click on link and see for yourself!!!
http://www.trailanimals.com/photos/

We went out there planning to run between 26 and 32 miles depending on how Kev felt as he had back to back races with a entrance into the Boston Marathon this year. Knowing this I went into DRB as a training run knowing on my own I would surely get lost...This turned out to be both good and bad. I had so much fun running with Kev, but I was feeling really strong...I mean REALLY strong and so I wanted to go out fast. I did but I would have to stop and wait for Kev because A. he had the map. B. even if I had a map I would probably read it wrong and C. Kev was out there for a training run and did not want to blow out his legs for the next day. So I would run ahead and stop and wait for Kev at any intersections. The slightly competitive side of me came out ; ) and at one point I bitchily yelled at Kev for getting us lost. he ignored my outburst as he knows me so well and he knows when to ignore me and when to take me to task ; ) The course was sopping wet..I was running straight up and down rivers that were at one time trails. The rocks were slippery and muddy so you needed to take care on the downs. The Blue Hills are a great place to train. I feel like my endurance for any distance at the Death Race is well taken care of and will only increase as my training continues..I was hitting those ups with ease(Garry told me after the fact it is close to 8000 feet of total elevation gain/loss and that is impressive trails so close by) even Kevin commenting on how strong I was. I have a race schedule for the next three months that will ensure I will be one of the fitter entrants in terms of time on feet and ability to stay moving...basically relentless forward motion really will describe me to a T.

So the bottom line in terms of DRB is we took out time, got lost, stopped often to check map and had long periods of time at the car refueling and changing and yet we finished 26.2 in 7 or 7:30.
Garry showed up to hang and see friends..so awesome to see so many friends and running acquaintances...Bob got me into the closed Tarc spring classic 50k for next weekend (pays to know the RD) Paul was there having run the 50k, and Doug stopped by. It was very cool to see a friend I met at Western States last year at DRB and to hear he got in again and will have Kenny pace him if his hernia heals quickly enough....basically yesterday felt really good...racing and training always reminds me how many people I have met through my running and just how many of them really are glad to see me out on the trails and how many wonderful people I am blessed to know.

As I write this I realize I am actually really happy today and I feel really lucky...funny thing...I lost something precious to me last week but through the loss I found strength...I mean I know I am strong but I forgot just how strong.

A weekend of training and thinking

2011-03-20T11:56:00.002-04:00

Friday was a school free day and I had everything packed and ready to head to Pittsfield, VT for the D.R. camp...I even put it on my F.B. page so you know I was on my way ; ) but a last minute weather check calling for rain there while it was 64 and sunny here made say the heck with a 3.5 hour drive instead I put on shorts, a tank top and my pack and headed out the door for the first of two runs in Callahan State Park. I made my own Death race camp here at home and saved gas money and wear and tear on my car. I did two runs Friday, one in the afternoon and one at night with a upper body and leg work out at the gym (ending with a treadmill elevation work out) in between the two runs. I had an amazing healthy dinner; read a fantastic book and was asleep by 8:30. Up early Saturday and hit the gym for another strength work out and treadmill hill work out then got some school work done at Starbucks and some shopping. Home by 5 where I started a new book, had a healthy meal and just relaxed...that was until a brief text exchange that really knocked me for a loop and made me very sad and heavy hearted....I fell asleep by 9 in a bit of a funk. This morning up at 5 but felt really crappy... thought it was the flu...layed in bed and watched a coyote play in the field out my window then fell back to sleep for an hour. Woke up and felt a bit better so went out for a quick run in Callahan and managed around 4-5 miles in an hour....and now here I sit at Starbucks doing bills and writing my blog post with sipping a skinny vanilla latte. I plan on a second run after lunch followed by hill repeats of Gibbs Mtn with my pack. Only a few months to get serious...

Peak Winter Death Race 2011 or How I Sucked it Up....

2011-03-06T13:35:00.002-05:00

5:45 p.m. Friday in car quick pic before I head out for the Winter Death Race. I planned on doing it just for the training and then quitting when I got too cold, dirty, tired, hungry or which ever came first. In truth, I went up there with a great deal of self doubt running through my pea size brain; a car filled with gear and yet concern it was not the right gear for a race with the word "death" in it and my well known aversion to the cold. So I thought of the race as just a stepping stone to the summer Death Race I have been focusing in on in terms of training (actually now I realize the winter race was just as important and just as much fun as the summer race)...The race was at Amee Farm in Pittsfield VT. I arrived around 4 p.m. and started to prepare my pack with the gear and food I would be bringing with me. Andy and Joe the RD's were no where to be found, but a few other racers were arriving. I knew I was the only woman of 17 or so racers to have signed up. I met a few guys in the parking lot from NY, med students who were really nice, I lent my second pack to one guy whose pack was just not appropriate for what we were doing then lent my gloves to another guy (hind site the second pair I had as backup were useless and I basically spent the entire race bear handed or with sopping wet gloves... worth helping out the other guy though as he was so kind and thankful for good gloves : )

By six we were standing by the start with our packs and still no Andy or Joe. Two guys on snow mobiles pulled up. Turns out an old friend Dave Darby was one of the guys on a snowmobile. I knew Dave from AR. Dave raced with my old beau and I did support for them a few times, Dave was there as a support/volunteer and was friends with Andy from AR. Dave was really positive throughout the race... giving me encouragement whenever he saw me. As we were waiting for Andy and Joe a youngish looking guy...reminded me of the actor from that Kevin Smith film Clerks...not the stoner but the video store dude...came over and told us we could do something while we were waiting for Andy and Joe. This turned out to be out first task in the race. There was a huge pile of snow...under it was wood then pallets then a huge tarp then more wood then more pallets . It was all covered in a thick film of ice under the snow. As a group we had to remove it all and stack the wood, carry pallets to fire, stack them, clean snow/ice off tarp and fold tarp neatly. We had axes and one guy found a small shovel in his car...we used a big piece of pipe we found as a crow bar. Mind you this first task took 3 hours. I was not heavy enough to do diddly squat with the crow bar, and the axe job I could not get near enough so I took it on myself to stack my arms full of wood and drag huge pallets back and forth from the pile through the dirt/ice parking lot to the fire...3 hours back and forth back and forth...at one point Andy and Joe showed up and they both commented to me "where is everyone else?" and later hehe Joe walked over to check on us and said"the woman is the only one doing anything" hehe made me giggle but it was not true as they other guys were just taking a well deserved break from chopping when he came over. Next task was to hold a string over our heads with arms straight up for 5 minutes and while we were doing this we needed to memorize a 4 sentence limerick....I hate memorizing!! I took my gloves off before we started....what a big mistake....the 5 minutes turned to 10 then 15 then 20 and so on until 40 minutes...my hands were so cold that at 36 minutes I was the only one have to put my arms down and take the penalty to carry a huge pallet around the barn property (drag that is...too heavy for me to pick up).

Next task we were told that we were running a marathon up and down the mountain. I thought cool! That is right up my alley. Of course there was an additional task added..the course was the snowshoe marathon course...4 six mile loops...up and down the mountain...we had to carry all our gear and a log....for the second loop we had to carry our gear and 2 logs..3rd loop 3 logs and the 4th loop 4 logs..huh?! So we grabbed a log and headed out. I carried it in my arms in front of me with my biceps curled around it....needless to say as I type this my arms are ropey with blue veins and I have me some tickets to the gun show!!! I started up the mountain at 10 p.m.

Now this is the funny thing about this "training" race. After the first loop I was in first place!!! Turns out for most of the marathon I was about 20 minutes faster than the next racer. I was sent back out with my second log...one under each arm, and I had to do the course backwards so I ran past all the other guys who were congratulating me on my pace. I felt great. It was hard going up those snow covered trails..many of the guys had post holed and I kept falling in their deep holes with the logs under me and I have bruises all over me today. It hurt to fall and yet I realized I was having an absolute blast and felt on top of the world!!!! It was actually fun! I was not too tired or cold....either....wtf??? Third loop I see the bonfire in the distance feeling strong and happy and truthfully just at peace more than I have been in a long time : ) The guys at the fire say "this race is yours Michelle". I know that it not true, that the marathon is just one small part of the race, but I am so proud of myself at this point. So much harder the third loop to hold the three logs. I have my arms hooked under them and I balance them under my chin. Each time I fall it hurts worse, but I get up and keep going. It starts to snow and my gloves are useless so I take them off...my snot runs freely down my face and over my lips but I can't do a damn thing as I have the logs. My snowshoe breaks three miles into the 3rd loop so I trip and drag it under me. I am annoyed but suck it up...one mile out I take it of and carry it in my pack. I complete the loop with one sneaker and one snowshoe. I fixed the snowshoe before heading out for my fourth and I lose some of my lead time. The fourth loop the gap closes between me and the second place guy due to my snowshoe issues. 4 logs and I am tired..legs screaming but I have felt this before during ultras and then I am no carrying a heavy pack and 4 logs so I just close my mind to it. I found out on the fourth loop that I heard Andy wrong and that I could have lashed the logs to my pack or if I had room put them in there. How much easier it would have been for the first three loops to have my arms free!!!! I saw the other runners doing this but I just thought they were bending the rules and that is not my issue..I wanted to do just what Andy expected me to do...but of course my deafness ends up kicking me in the ass and I made it far harder on myself then needed be...duh...I head out for the fourth loop and one of the snowshoe 100 milers (there were 5 out on the curse with us....Sherpa John was one...he looked strong all night) ran up behind me and said Andy wants you to drop your logs at the top of the mountain. I said ok dokay and headed off to the peak. At the top I met up with the second place runner... I realized then first...second...last...who cares...I was just so proud of myself...all the guys out there were so positive when they saw me on the trail throughout the night and I felt a real sense of comraderie..this meant more than anything else..so I offered to untie this runners wood from his pack so he would not have to go through all the trouble of taking his pack off...I took my pack off and helped him knowing he would be able to leave ahead of me..but it just did not matter. I said "nice work see you at the bottom" and he headed off..I felt good about helping and gladly gave my first place up...it was mine for most of the marathon and that was something I could be proud of.

I left the top for the last 3 miles down and my snowshoes broke again, but this time I just say the heck with it and run pell mell with a broken snow shoe. The last mile the snowshoe racers started their races and they are now running directly into us..they do not for the majority get out of my way I must step off the trail to let them by...in fact two guys physically knock me clear off the trail into the snow without an "I'm sorry" ......karma : ) I see Steve, Kev, Emily and Dan which was great. When I get to the start I am in second place tired but so happy. It is at this point that I actually tell Andy that I am going to quit as I did this race purely for training and I don't want to be driving home in the dark exhausted.....he was really nice about it but said "are you sure?" "you are doing well". I said yep and walked away and immmediately felt a stab of regret that made me want to puke. I ran back and asked Andy if I could rejoin : ) He laughed said yep but told me I could not do this at the June Death Race. So glad I did not wuss out and I decide to stick it out....it starts to rain. Here is an abbreviated account of the rest of the race:

1. Take buckets to the river...get in river...fill buckets with rocks...bring back up hill to the start and build a three foot tall cairn that will not topple (oh this sucked...my hands hurt so bad from the thin wire handle and my gloves were long gone..sneakers and legs sopping wet and my cairn kept falling Joe had to give me a talking to during this task to be smart about staying warm and not give up as I was getting frustrated and a bit whiny...
2. Build two birdhouses in the rain with wood glue...oh this sucked as well as glue would not dry....took me an hour of just sitting in rain..hands frozen solid...had to take breaks and try to unfreeze them in bon fire...Sherpa John was there giving me great energy and advice...he had just done a 50K snowshoe race through the night)
3. Get a wheel barrel...run it up the road to another barn fill it with 15 logs (take as many trips as you need) return to base split each log in 1/4's then stack wood. I had split wood before so after a 60 second lesson from Andy I started...it was so much fun!!!
4. Grab a shovel and dig out a huge greenhouse that is covered with ice and snow. It is now raining hard and the snow is HEAVY...this took me an hour and a half. (turns out later I found out when I saw Joe at the General Store he said I did not do this task as well as the other guys, but he says it was not my fault as I was not told the parameters...I feel bad...he says I can go back and help the other racers out with their greenhouses but again I think of the long drive home in the dark and I say no thanks...realize later that I coped out and acted like a baby and a bit ashamed I did not go back.)

Now I am still in second place. A woman comes over and tells me that after I finish the greenhouse she will take me to my last task. When I am done what I dread comes to pass....I must post hole through a field to a pond and immerse myself in the water for 60 seconds.....not too much to say other than I had a mini breakdown crying like a total girl as I hate swimming (can't swim just doggie paddle like a spaz) ugh putting my face in water makes me freak out and I especially hate freezing cold water. The woman who took me (i forgot her name..blond very pretty...stunning actually) was soooo nice to me!!!! She did the summr race last year and I can't wait to see her there this summer...when I was done I had to repeat back the limerick to her:

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked
If Peter Piper picked a peck of Pickled peppers
Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Then I stripped naked...put on dry clothes...said thank you and good byes and took off. I went to the General Store with Emily, Kev, Dan and his wife...Kev bought me fruit and coffee and then I drove home. Got home took shower my hands and feet a mess..pulled huge prickers out of my hands....put antibioitic ointment on then crawled into bed and out like a light.

I had so much fun and realized I am tougher then I thought...Summer Death race..here I come I know it will be WAY harder but this race made me believe in myself and I met so many wonderful people; racers and volunteers alike : ) Joe and Andy are amazing....I learned that to make it in the summer there will be no whining, no negativity and you must see the humor in the absurdity of paying a lot of money to get the crap kicked out of you..hehe....I think I get it and that will be the key to surviving this June.

February a good time to head to the beach

2011-02-14T11:41:00.002-05:00

This past Saturday I ran the Cape Cod frozen fatass again. I loved it sooo much the first time when I ran it in subfreezing temperatures with sleet and snow and arctic winds whipping the beach sand up and into my face like tiny little daggers....yep...I had to go back for more! I was sick as a dog Thursday afternoon and by Friday mid afternoon I was in the midst of an emotional and physical breakdown of epic proportions and yet...that annoying little part of myself that refuses to give in managed to hold it all together and join the other Tuggers at Sandy Neck Beach in Barnstable on a cold but bright Saturday morning at 7 a.m. to run close to 33 miles....on sand.

This year I was pleased to say despite what is going on in my life I ran a great race on very little training mileage. In fact since December 25th I have probably run a total of 50 miles....26 of them at the G.A.C. fatass and the rest 3-5 mile spurts on the treadmill at the gym.

Seeing old friends and meeting new friends at the race was also a real high point. I loved running with Kev, Bill and Steve..and seeing Mark, Jeff, Dima, Karen and so many other familiar faces (Dima kicked tush and got 2nd place and Mark for his first ultra smoked a bunch of us old pros) as well as making two new friends: first Danielle who I introduced to my water bottle system (I gave her one of my many bottles to keep...love spreading the gospel of gear to anyone who will listen .....in fact Salomon should sponsor me as I introduced their trail runners to T who through his athletic endeavors as the winner of the 2010 Farm Challenge got all his friends to buy them in the hope of repeating his success next year!) and Szusanna who came in first for women and is such an amazing runner and generous soul (she gave me her last two bites of chocolate brownie and therefor made her my new nonsexual girl crush). I also loved two excellent nights out on the town..the first amazing food with an old friend who I am glad has come back into my life and then dinner and live music after the race.

What I know for sure is that I am LOVING running again. Taking the break I did over the summer and into the fall was needed and now I feel 2011 will be a great year in terms of racing.

Here comes another cold fat ass

2011-01-31T11:52:00.002-05:00

It has been so hard to keep up with my writing as I have yet to get Internet in my new apartment! I bring my computer to Starbucks but find that I am focused on doing my online bills and school work while there that I do not have the time to blog. School rarely affords me a second, but today I am skipping lunch and catching up.

I find that I am easing into my new life and finding that the quiet time has brought me much needed peace of mind during a time when I am struggling to make sense of things. My health has benefited from the shortened commute, less stress and anxiety that comes with wanting to be everything for everyone. Since moving to Framingham I have focused first and foremost on my health of course, but in doing so I have found my way back to things that were important to me but had been some how lost to me: I have read over 20 books, returned to running (and logging my workouts) my nutrition plan is helping to keep my body going during the struggles of the past few weeks and will keep me strong during the next few months. I have reconnected with old friends and have tried to build bridges between those friends who did not understand my flight from running.

I struggle with returning to running...not the physical act but the mental aspects of returning to something that at one time became to me the only way of defining myself...an obsession if you will. I realized this past year that I am not Michelle the runner.... I am Michelle the teacher, daughter, friend, cancer fighter, voracious book reader, writer, maker of lists and calorie counter, tone deaf car singer, cat lover, silly twisted annoying little twit who wants to live each day as it is her last but a times crawls under the covers and cries because she thinks she is fat. I am so much more than an obsession....I am at once hard as a diamond and as cold as steel and the next moment I am crying over a humane society commercial. I am a woman who is more comfortable in a dive bar then at a restaurant with too many pieces of cutlery....oh and by the way I still love to run through the woods with reckless abandon.

I can do nothing now but focus on health. I have not been running in terms of serious training. I am going to run the frozen fat ass and will finish on sheer will power and not because I am in training shape...for now I will run with my heart as my body slowly catches up ; )